Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Until The Break of Dawn
Wednesday, December 8, 2010 at 12:56pm
Indeed “The night is darkest before the break of dawn.” In my eight month post transplant period the scourge inflicted upon my body and mind become stronger. With each strike a groan for pain is inevitable, with each strike cuts are getting deeper I can no longer contain it I have to air complain. I have no escape! I cannot run away, a barrier is installed right in front of me. Not a mountain that I could go around about but a wall so long and so high I could not climb. Whatever courage left in me is slowly fading away; whatever strength left in me is no longer enough for me to take even a single step forward.
Why finality takes so long to come? It is of preference, I am ready. I have been since my second admission this month. I no longer consider it selfishness or unfair for my husband and children to wish for final rest for even them is forced to take part in the suffering. They have done their part; they have taken more than their portion of bitterness. I cannot let them be hurt much longer, no matter what they say a single hard blow is a lot better than moderate constant scourge. Though not cornered I rest, not to reflect just to rest and stop fighting.
I wanted to “switch off” my thinking but even that eludes my will. Even in my despair GOOD things of the past flashback for a split second. Have I not experienced wellness two months ago? Have I not been back on my feet enjoying household chores and my family? In all abnormalities of my other organ system isn’t my cancer cured? In the abnormality of my liver isn’t my bone marrow working well already? Why don’t I succumb to profuse bleeding with my abnormal clotting factors? Is this not my third sepsis? Why am I still alive? Don’t I have a man whose love and devotion to me and our marriage been tested by what seems to be an element hotter than fire? Don’t I have three beautiful children whose emotional quotient is more than genius? As they (our kids) do perfectly well in every aspect despite the constant sorrow in their hearts. What am I missing? Oh I know, I am missing the flicker of light in what I perceive as total darkness.
I struggled to have a comfortable life and I did not get it. Now I wish for worst but neither that was given. My life is truly not in my hands! “Only God can do all things; and no plan of His can be thwarted” (Job 42:2). His plans are so hard to accept because at the moment they seem so horrible and unfathomable. But “Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge” (Job 42:3). Indeed who am I to interfere with His plans for me? Didn’t Job in his blind faith emerge victorious in the end? He did not only become more blessed with earthly things. More than a blessing for his life is in history used by many who lose hope because of affliction. His misfortune is now used as an example to give hope, to never give up and to wait upon the Lord in every impossible situation. With assurance thru His words I know that I am in a plan designed for His greater glory, thus, it is good for me. I will hold on tightly to this lovely passage “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future” (Jeremiah 29:11).
So right now I decided to stand up and start walking again. I don’t have any choice nor do I? My life will not be taken unless it is time, even if I stop I will be in the same situation so I might as well keep on going. Who knows I may just be few steps away from His goal for me. As to the seemingly tall and long wall in front of me, is not Mt Everest the known tallest mountain on earth has lost its prestige to a lame? Is there anything permanent in this lifetime? I can think of nothing! Both good and bad fade away. This moment of my lifetime shall also pass, as to when only He can tell. Bravely now I will keep on walking, where to? I don’t have an answer, but hopefully towards that small ray of light. Until when will I go on? WITH BLIND FAITH I WILL WALK UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN . . .
Indeed “The night is darkest before the break of dawn.” In my eight month post transplant period the scourge inflicted upon my body and mind become stronger. With each strike a groan for pain is inevitable, with each strike cuts are getting deeper I can no longer contain it I have to air complain. I have no escape! I cannot run away, a barrier is installed right in front of me. Not a mountain that I could go around about but a wall so long and so high I could not climb. Whatever courage left in me is slowly fading away; whatever strength left in me is no longer enough for me to take even a single step forward.
Why finality takes so long to come? It is of preference, I am ready. I have been since my second admission this month. I no longer consider it selfishness or unfair for my husband and children to wish for final rest for even them is forced to take part in the suffering. They have done their part; they have taken more than their portion of bitterness. I cannot let them be hurt much longer, no matter what they say a single hard blow is a lot better than moderate constant scourge. Though not cornered I rest, not to reflect just to rest and stop fighting.
I wanted to “switch off” my thinking but even that eludes my will. Even in my despair GOOD things of the past flashback for a split second. Have I not experienced wellness two months ago? Have I not been back on my feet enjoying household chores and my family? In all abnormalities of my other organ system isn’t my cancer cured? In the abnormality of my liver isn’t my bone marrow working well already? Why don’t I succumb to profuse bleeding with my abnormal clotting factors? Is this not my third sepsis? Why am I still alive? Don’t I have a man whose love and devotion to me and our marriage been tested by what seems to be an element hotter than fire? Don’t I have three beautiful children whose emotional quotient is more than genius? As they (our kids) do perfectly well in every aspect despite the constant sorrow in their hearts. What am I missing? Oh I know, I am missing the flicker of light in what I perceive as total darkness.
I struggled to have a comfortable life and I did not get it. Now I wish for worst but neither that was given. My life is truly not in my hands! “Only God can do all things; and no plan of His can be thwarted” (Job 42:2). His plans are so hard to accept because at the moment they seem so horrible and unfathomable. But “Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge” (Job 42:3). Indeed who am I to interfere with His plans for me? Didn’t Job in his blind faith emerge victorious in the end? He did not only become more blessed with earthly things. More than a blessing for his life is in history used by many who lose hope because of affliction. His misfortune is now used as an example to give hope, to never give up and to wait upon the Lord in every impossible situation. With assurance thru His words I know that I am in a plan designed for His greater glory, thus, it is good for me. I will hold on tightly to this lovely passage “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future” (Jeremiah 29:11).
So right now I decided to stand up and start walking again. I don’t have any choice nor do I? My life will not be taken unless it is time, even if I stop I will be in the same situation so I might as well keep on going. Who knows I may just be few steps away from His goal for me. As to the seemingly tall and long wall in front of me, is not Mt Everest the known tallest mountain on earth has lost its prestige to a lame? Is there anything permanent in this lifetime? I can think of nothing! Both good and bad fade away. This moment of my lifetime shall also pass, as to when only He can tell. Bravely now I will keep on walking, where to? I don’t have an answer, but hopefully towards that small ray of light. Until when will I go on? WITH BLIND FAITH I WILL WALK UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN . . .
Saturday, August 14, 2010
God’s Gift . . . My Strength and My Shield
Tuesday, August 3, 2010 at 1:55pm
With God as his protector, this tall, dark, Marines stayed for several years in the “area” fighting battles. Ruthless to the enemies, he was the “Braveheart” of my life. God, country before his own personal whims, for me he was a true selfless patriot. He remained loyal to everything he stood for before we got married, an unsung hero of some sort of the country, AFP, and Marine Corps. Who else can be prouder than the woman behind this man?
But at some point I stopped being mesmerized by his selflessness. It felt like he was too much of a hero for others for even when he was no longer in the “field” he was still always at work. Always thinking, planning, and doing something for the office he was being assigned to. Everywhere he goes he was always into improving things that needs improvement, believing in his heart that consolations follows ones love for his work. Although my heart bleeds for him knowing that he was under appreciated and devaluated at times, I torture him by subtly letting him feel that he was neglecting me and the children, that he was effortless in keeping his family happy and that he loves me less. He was a hero no more in my perception; but he just continued doing what he was doing despite my waning support.
Ten years of marriage is not an assurance that you know your better half that well! I judged him wrongly when I thought of him as someone who does not care for me. When I was diagnosed to have an AML, he showed me that he will be there for me too when I needed him most. There was never a time that he was not at my side. Without hesitation he gladly accepted the RHAC he was placed into, despite knowing the fact that it is something that would surely hurt his military career. He does not mind not being able to follow the military pattern he wanted so much until he sees me well and out of danger. I am now sure that heroism is something innate in him, helping those in need, be it a family member or anybody else. I now clearly see that selfless act of disregarding his own need to be with his bride during the battle in Mindanao was genuine!
He is not perfect! He snores loud he disturbs my sleep. His mouth stays open in our long talks and he looks at me as if I talk in Chinese. He hates reading and deliberately misinterprets things to get away with reading. He is not funny. He has all the imperfections I thought I could NOT live with. But all these imperfections are compensated by HIS FEAR AND LOVE FOR THE LORD!
No one may ever know how loyal he is to this country, he may never get the chance to realize the goals and good visions he has for the present organization where he belongs, but as his partner in life I would always thank the Lord he was born so that I can have and possess the greatest gift I can have in this lifetime! As I rejoice in my first victory over my cancer I have to thank him for being obedient to the Sovereign Lord command on the day we got married . . . For richer and for poorer, in SICKNESS and in health, till death do us part. Finally I thank GOD that I come only second in my husbands heart, as Jesus Christ is the first! He may commit mistakes along the way, but I am assured he will return to the right path as his loyalty is to HIM!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
When All are Gone .....
When All are Gone...
July 28, 2010 Tuesday at 7:22am
I am reluctant to make any kind of “updates” the past few days as putting my mind into words seems to be a hard “task” for me these days. It must be the long term effects of my medication that is slowing my neurons down, as I have been on these drugs for almost four months now. Good thing that two of them were already withdrawn and one is being tapered as my laboratories (except my liver profile) are almost normal. The plan is to have most of my medication removed before the end of August as these drugs can cause potential harm when used for prolonged period. Potential danger that includes recurrence of leukaemia, damage to other organs and myriads of changes in me physically, mentally and emotionally.
I am now in the period of re adjusting myself to “normal” and I am starting with my youngest son who, among my three sons, was the most deprived in terms of time spent with me. Something indescribable beats in my heart whenever I try to lift him up but could not sustain for even five minutes. I can see in his eyes that he is as frustrated as I am not to be cuddled longer. I could not explain to him (he is only 19 months old) that my spine hurts real badly whenever I lift him up and try to play with him. The painful reality is not only that I could not play with him at his present age, but the fact that my physical ability may never return to me anymore. Every move I make is done in slow motion. It is as if my muscle had acquired a “mind” of its own, it controls the pacing of physical activity. Even brushing my teeth and writing is an effort as my fingers would go into clonuses if forced to do work. If I walk fast my calf muscle will suddenly contract itself painfully as if to remind me I am doing things very fast, that I am not calm, and that I am not fully resting. Is this God’s way of fulfilling His word to me that “I will give you rest”? If I will be able to come into terms with this truth, the answer will be yes it is. My corporeal being is in the twilight of acceptance and struggle to regain complete control of my physical being. I find it hard to accept that at my age I have to slow things down already, that I will never be able to beat the day by accomplishing more than its number of hours. Being in a predicament beyond my control, I will have to come to terms with Him who is all knowing. For reasons He only knew I am physically remoulded. “MY OWN” strength is gone, and I am left with “SERENITY”! “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)
Organizing thoughts and putting them into words is one of the things I can do easily. It comes naturally for me that I never thought it can be “taken” away from me by anything, not even this sickness. The thought that I still have my mental faculty in its full capacity made my acceptance of my physical limitation a lot easier. Since I was confined, I do nothing but read, write, update myself on things both important and not. All these done to make sure that the seat of my human knowledge will not be affected by both the sickness and medicines. To my dismay, I guess this once unappreciated gift will not be spared. I feel it is being taken away too as collecting and collating thoughts for me these days is an effort. I struggle and refuse to let go as I have to be the master of “MY OWN THOUGHTS”. My words should be chosen by my own brain, nothing should be spontaneous, and everything should be consciously picked so it will have an impact on those who are reached. Shamefully I use the name of my Deity but in my heart hidden the boasting that they are my words therefore my credit. In His great plan for me though, He needs to take away and remould even my human knowledge. Just like my body, my brain now is tired of struggling. I have come to terms with the fact of its limitations. HIS great purpose has to be revealed in HIS own words, not mine. The credit had to be HIS, not mine. I can never be wise or intelligent unless He feeds me with it, my effort to be one only lead to my unrest. “MY OWN” knowledge is gone, and I am left with “WISDOM”! “I am determined to be wise – but this was beyond me” (Ecclesiastes 7:23)
Too caught up in my emotional web since I got sick, I feel nothing but pity upon myself. Day after day I have to convince myself that I am alright, I am blessed, and that it is with reason that my life’s potential is cut off at its midst. With my training I have succeeded in counteracting this self pity for almost a year now. I smile in the face of nothingness, I blabber in the midst of uncertainty, and I even entertain others with my seemingly hopeless situation. I was able to solidly convince myself that I will survive the emotional turmoil brought by my illness by being emotionally well balanced. I focused myself on myself alone, never looking at the periphery lest my balanced will be toppling down. Two or three fellow patients attempted to talk to me, some non cancer patients tried reaching out for me but I ignored them all. I am in too much pain I cannot allow other people’s pain to add up otherwise my balance will be disturbed and I may not survive even for a second. I labour to achieve positive outlook let them find way to heal themselves too. I have built a strong bricks around my heart I am emotionally intangible. Always on my guard to keep the bricks on hold, I am starting to tire. Lately I am starting to become irrationally “emotional” over a lot of co patients during my checkups at the BMT OPD. As if my eyes were opened, I starting to them in a different angle and I could not make myself see their pain objectively. To the very young cancer patients I feel that they are more deprived than I am. To the older ones I feel their struggle to hold on to what little time they have. To some who just been diagnosed, I sympathize with their hardship and struggle in accepting what had hit them. They are all pain, pain that I used to experience yet deny. Spontaneously and unknown to me, my guard for self preservation is out of my hands; I had allowed myself to be lost in other peoples pain. My heart not only bleeds for my fellow cancer patients but on others also who clearly manifests heavy loads that maybe unknown to them. These people are all just like me, strong people who knew how to manipulate perfectly their emotions into their advantage therefore thinks that contentment is at hand. Unconsciously though the shout for search for something more quenching is clearly manifested in the manner they send their emails. When I am conscious and lost in other people’s pain, when “MY OWN” emotional sense of stability is gone, I am left with “CONFIDENCE”. Confidence in Jesus Christ that HE is working in my life here on earth to secure my eternity by being a channel of HIS love for everyone. “The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave HIMSELF for me” (Galatians 2:20).
The changes and still ongoing changes in me are not easy as it involves first and foremost HUMILITY. The acceptance that I now exist with so much limitation requires utmost humility and obedience. Limitations on the matters I used to enjoy so much (seeing my patients which took up 80% of my time, going out with friends, playing badminton) but also take up so much of my time I disregard the more important ones (I spend less than 5% with my children). As they say “All are permissible, but not all are beneficial”. I thank the Lord for stirring the course of life to what is beneficial, and with gladness I accept the PEACE that comes along with it!
The remoulding that has been done and still being done entails PATIENCE! I thought I could not stand the wait, and that so much more will be asked. Then when I stopped struggling I realized in fact that it was easy for it only requires keeping a still and quiet heart. I thank the Lord for teaching me the discipline of quietness, and with gladness I accept the PEACE that comes along with it!
Like a larva ready to metamorphose into a beautiful butterfly, I am coming out soon! To enjoy God’s gifts that are vital and beneficial for my existence, and to radiate to many people the LOVE and COMPASSION of GOD through CHRIST JESUS!
WHEN ALL ARE GONE, I AM PARADOXICALLY FULLER THAN I USED TO BE!
July 28, 2010 Tuesday at 7:22am
I am reluctant to make any kind of “updates” the past few days as putting my mind into words seems to be a hard “task” for me these days. It must be the long term effects of my medication that is slowing my neurons down, as I have been on these drugs for almost four months now. Good thing that two of them were already withdrawn and one is being tapered as my laboratories (except my liver profile) are almost normal. The plan is to have most of my medication removed before the end of August as these drugs can cause potential harm when used for prolonged period. Potential danger that includes recurrence of leukaemia, damage to other organs and myriads of changes in me physically, mentally and emotionally.
I am now in the period of re adjusting myself to “normal” and I am starting with my youngest son who, among my three sons, was the most deprived in terms of time spent with me. Something indescribable beats in my heart whenever I try to lift him up but could not sustain for even five minutes. I can see in his eyes that he is as frustrated as I am not to be cuddled longer. I could not explain to him (he is only 19 months old) that my spine hurts real badly whenever I lift him up and try to play with him. The painful reality is not only that I could not play with him at his present age, but the fact that my physical ability may never return to me anymore. Every move I make is done in slow motion. It is as if my muscle had acquired a “mind” of its own, it controls the pacing of physical activity. Even brushing my teeth and writing is an effort as my fingers would go into clonuses if forced to do work. If I walk fast my calf muscle will suddenly contract itself painfully as if to remind me I am doing things very fast, that I am not calm, and that I am not fully resting. Is this God’s way of fulfilling His word to me that “I will give you rest”? If I will be able to come into terms with this truth, the answer will be yes it is. My corporeal being is in the twilight of acceptance and struggle to regain complete control of my physical being. I find it hard to accept that at my age I have to slow things down already, that I will never be able to beat the day by accomplishing more than its number of hours. Being in a predicament beyond my control, I will have to come to terms with Him who is all knowing. For reasons He only knew I am physically remoulded. “MY OWN” strength is gone, and I am left with “SERENITY”! “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)
Organizing thoughts and putting them into words is one of the things I can do easily. It comes naturally for me that I never thought it can be “taken” away from me by anything, not even this sickness. The thought that I still have my mental faculty in its full capacity made my acceptance of my physical limitation a lot easier. Since I was confined, I do nothing but read, write, update myself on things both important and not. All these done to make sure that the seat of my human knowledge will not be affected by both the sickness and medicines. To my dismay, I guess this once unappreciated gift will not be spared. I feel it is being taken away too as collecting and collating thoughts for me these days is an effort. I struggle and refuse to let go as I have to be the master of “MY OWN THOUGHTS”. My words should be chosen by my own brain, nothing should be spontaneous, and everything should be consciously picked so it will have an impact on those who are reached. Shamefully I use the name of my Deity but in my heart hidden the boasting that they are my words therefore my credit. In His great plan for me though, He needs to take away and remould even my human knowledge. Just like my body, my brain now is tired of struggling. I have come to terms with the fact of its limitations. HIS great purpose has to be revealed in HIS own words, not mine. The credit had to be HIS, not mine. I can never be wise or intelligent unless He feeds me with it, my effort to be one only lead to my unrest. “MY OWN” knowledge is gone, and I am left with “WISDOM”! “I am determined to be wise – but this was beyond me” (Ecclesiastes 7:23)
Too caught up in my emotional web since I got sick, I feel nothing but pity upon myself. Day after day I have to convince myself that I am alright, I am blessed, and that it is with reason that my life’s potential is cut off at its midst. With my training I have succeeded in counteracting this self pity for almost a year now. I smile in the face of nothingness, I blabber in the midst of uncertainty, and I even entertain others with my seemingly hopeless situation. I was able to solidly convince myself that I will survive the emotional turmoil brought by my illness by being emotionally well balanced. I focused myself on myself alone, never looking at the periphery lest my balanced will be toppling down. Two or three fellow patients attempted to talk to me, some non cancer patients tried reaching out for me but I ignored them all. I am in too much pain I cannot allow other people’s pain to add up otherwise my balance will be disturbed and I may not survive even for a second. I labour to achieve positive outlook let them find way to heal themselves too. I have built a strong bricks around my heart I am emotionally intangible. Always on my guard to keep the bricks on hold, I am starting to tire. Lately I am starting to become irrationally “emotional” over a lot of co patients during my checkups at the BMT OPD. As if my eyes were opened, I starting to them in a different angle and I could not make myself see their pain objectively. To the very young cancer patients I feel that they are more deprived than I am. To the older ones I feel their struggle to hold on to what little time they have. To some who just been diagnosed, I sympathize with their hardship and struggle in accepting what had hit them. They are all pain, pain that I used to experience yet deny. Spontaneously and unknown to me, my guard for self preservation is out of my hands; I had allowed myself to be lost in other peoples pain. My heart not only bleeds for my fellow cancer patients but on others also who clearly manifests heavy loads that maybe unknown to them. These people are all just like me, strong people who knew how to manipulate perfectly their emotions into their advantage therefore thinks that contentment is at hand. Unconsciously though the shout for search for something more quenching is clearly manifested in the manner they send their emails. When I am conscious and lost in other people’s pain, when “MY OWN” emotional sense of stability is gone, I am left with “CONFIDENCE”. Confidence in Jesus Christ that HE is working in my life here on earth to secure my eternity by being a channel of HIS love for everyone. “The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave HIMSELF for me” (Galatians 2:20).
The changes and still ongoing changes in me are not easy as it involves first and foremost HUMILITY. The acceptance that I now exist with so much limitation requires utmost humility and obedience. Limitations on the matters I used to enjoy so much (seeing my patients which took up 80% of my time, going out with friends, playing badminton) but also take up so much of my time I disregard the more important ones (I spend less than 5% with my children). As they say “All are permissible, but not all are beneficial”. I thank the Lord for stirring the course of life to what is beneficial, and with gladness I accept the PEACE that comes along with it!
The remoulding that has been done and still being done entails PATIENCE! I thought I could not stand the wait, and that so much more will be asked. Then when I stopped struggling I realized in fact that it was easy for it only requires keeping a still and quiet heart. I thank the Lord for teaching me the discipline of quietness, and with gladness I accept the PEACE that comes along with it!
Like a larva ready to metamorphose into a beautiful butterfly, I am coming out soon! To enjoy God’s gifts that are vital and beneficial for my existence, and to radiate to many people the LOVE and COMPASSION of GOD through CHRIST JESUS!
WHEN ALL ARE GONE, I AM PARADOXICALLY FULLER THAN I USED TO BE!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Need for LOVE . . .
Saturday, June 19, 2010 at 6:14am
At the onset of my illness a very good friend of mine sympathized with me. I felt her deep sadness along with a question that until now still lingers in my mind. After all the kind and encouraging words she uttered, she also asked me, “I just wonder why this has happened to you when both you and Stephen were very prayerful, Godly couple?” The question offended me that time, but as I realized that the question was more for herself than mine, I felt great woe for her.
That feeling of woe to my friend made me ask myself what kind of life was I showing others back then. Surely after I have received Jesus Christ in my life years before my sickness I made it a point to do my part in making Him seen in all my endeavours. In all my struggles I call upon Him, in blessings after blessings I give thanks to Him. I never fail to mention Him to people each they come for non therapeutic advice. I thought that I was already doing what God wants me to do for Him in my everyday living.
Looking back, I can say I have been up and down my own little hills in life. I always get to the peaks of these hills. Down on my knees throughout med school especially during board exams I was able to make it despite financial difficulty. I remember I used to just feel so much for my batch mates who had the capacity to waste their time and money in med school while I have to stern, work double time, and never really enjoyed the days. I know I had scarred many hearts back then as they perceived me as someone hard to approach and never easy to get along with. Little did they know that the “id” behind my facade is envy of their good and comfortable life. I have compensated this need (envy) by “not being one of them” all the more. I have placed myself in solitude, seeking and searching why my heart is always in turmoil. I pray, I get calmed but like opium my prayer does not last very long. My mind is right but I always feel that my heart is always wrong as it was never at peace, and I did not see the reason why for I was making it better than the others.
My marriage to my husband is the highest hill peak I had reached. He made me more anchored to God, made me more at peace with myself, made me more confident with myself. It was a relief finding someone who would take you as you are. I don’t have to be brainy (my strongest defence from all my inadequacy) with him all the time. But our union was not at the peak all the time. In fact, it was about to go downhill early on as it was tested by infidelity early at its stage. Took me years to forgive, and until now I still remember the pain of the worst thing anyone can do to someone, betrayal! My love for him never allowed me to tell anyone about it so I suffered alone not wanting to destroy his image of a God fearing person. It was a good thing that truly he is a God fearing person, and that situation was just a one event. Through prayers God did not allow my pride and pain to destroy us. The Lord won the battle that I thought I could never make.
I chose psychiatry as medical specialty perhaps to help myself on the first place. One school of thought psychiatrist believes is that “ones behaviour is determined by her “id”. As “id” is that part of the mind that is always for pleasure, comfort and release I may have been in the field because I wanted to find the peace I have been looking for everywhere. For even when my mind is right, I feel that there is something wrong in my heart. I did find myself, knowing my own psychodynamics and all and it gave me peace at the beginning. Knowing me though was not the answer. The jungle I was into still ate me up and made me more a monster. Competing with others is my worst weakness. I always have this need to prove my supremacy over others. I do a lot of extra reading, extra work, extra of everything and I shout it to the world. I needed to be appreciated! Although it was part of my psychodynamics I just did know how to treat it. I am stressed and just plain tired but could not stop. My “id” was just too powerful than my “ego” and “super ego” combined. In my inner struggles I keep working for the Lord through lip service, showing that I am Christian in my walk in life but deep inside, God as my opium just did not work anymore. My personal relationship with Christ, which is the only thing He requires of me, was no longer there.
Now my friend’s question struck me as very valid and relevant to all that has happened and happening. How come my sunny life been gloomed with thundering rain despite my struggle to be in allegiance to the Supreme Being. It was after all an utmost effort to show His presence in my life despite not feeling Him, thus it deserve good blessing instead of sickness. “God sees through the heart”! “He is all knowing” and “there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing that can be hidden from HIM”. “He knows my every thought, he knows the deepest part of my heart and He knows MY EVERY NEED!” He saw my struggle, He perceived the tiredness of my heart and He saw my need for rest. The unrest in my soul is His reason for placing me in my present SITUATION. He wanted to tell me that I am more important than what I do. My happiness and my comfort are more important than my need to be appreciated by others. He wanted to tell me that I have no idea who He is and my perspective of Him is far from the truth I know. In my present solitude He wanted to tell me of my NEED FOR LOVE.
LOVE a very powerful emotion that can both build and destroy. Even the biblical definition of love is so hard to achieve as it is a perfect manifestation of something that seemed to be just a concept. “Love is patient and kind.” the book of life says. “Love does not envy, it does not boast, and it is not proud.” “Love is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no records of wrongs.” I could “act out” this definition of love but I find it difficult to feel. I am exactly the opposite of all of these therefore it is so difficult for me. Is he giving me something difficult to achieve? Something that would make me crawl on my knees just to perform? Is He making my life more miserable? Of course not! As He opens my eyes in my daily reflection, it dawned on me that the LOVE that I NEEDED is not the emotional one. Ii is Jesus Christ Himself. He is the perfect manifestation of love, He turn the concept of LOVE to reality. He is kind, patient, not rude, not easily angered, and KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONG! I can love easily if I walk with the source of love Himself. Such a beautiful realization of Him it touches the core of my heart! I find it hard to love because I never have or I never allowed the SOURCE of love Himself to dwell (and I to dwell in Him) in me completely.
As I go back to my friend’s question which I perceive as tantamount to asking “Is my sickness a punishment?” I believe that punishment is not of this lifetime! In fact this lifetime is meant for pure happiness and comfort for I believe this is glimpse of what is to come. He meant for me to enjoy every good thing that He had ever made to give me an idea how much better it is in the next. This sickness is just His just one of those reminders He already had made me experience before. So many times He had worked in my life but I have never yielded. He had no other way now but to break me completely, reminding me that my “days here on earth is numbered” and that “my life is in His hands”. Done out of LOVE, He is now in my everyday isolation, gently moulding and remoulding me into better person.
My sunshine will come out soon and I am looking forward to what He has in store for me. This time my hope is that my life will not be like a “clanging cymbal” or a “resounding gong” as I learn to LOVE in His perspective. I hope to reflect, without effort or struggle, that a personal relationship with God, my walk with LOVE Himself is the only thing required.
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of this is LOVE.” (1Cor.13:13)
At the onset of my illness a very good friend of mine sympathized with me. I felt her deep sadness along with a question that until now still lingers in my mind. After all the kind and encouraging words she uttered, she also asked me, “I just wonder why this has happened to you when both you and Stephen were very prayerful, Godly couple?” The question offended me that time, but as I realized that the question was more for herself than mine, I felt great woe for her.
That feeling of woe to my friend made me ask myself what kind of life was I showing others back then. Surely after I have received Jesus Christ in my life years before my sickness I made it a point to do my part in making Him seen in all my endeavours. In all my struggles I call upon Him, in blessings after blessings I give thanks to Him. I never fail to mention Him to people each they come for non therapeutic advice. I thought that I was already doing what God wants me to do for Him in my everyday living.
Looking back, I can say I have been up and down my own little hills in life. I always get to the peaks of these hills. Down on my knees throughout med school especially during board exams I was able to make it despite financial difficulty. I remember I used to just feel so much for my batch mates who had the capacity to waste their time and money in med school while I have to stern, work double time, and never really enjoyed the days. I know I had scarred many hearts back then as they perceived me as someone hard to approach and never easy to get along with. Little did they know that the “id” behind my facade is envy of their good and comfortable life. I have compensated this need (envy) by “not being one of them” all the more. I have placed myself in solitude, seeking and searching why my heart is always in turmoil. I pray, I get calmed but like opium my prayer does not last very long. My mind is right but I always feel that my heart is always wrong as it was never at peace, and I did not see the reason why for I was making it better than the others.
My marriage to my husband is the highest hill peak I had reached. He made me more anchored to God, made me more at peace with myself, made me more confident with myself. It was a relief finding someone who would take you as you are. I don’t have to be brainy (my strongest defence from all my inadequacy) with him all the time. But our union was not at the peak all the time. In fact, it was about to go downhill early on as it was tested by infidelity early at its stage. Took me years to forgive, and until now I still remember the pain of the worst thing anyone can do to someone, betrayal! My love for him never allowed me to tell anyone about it so I suffered alone not wanting to destroy his image of a God fearing person. It was a good thing that truly he is a God fearing person, and that situation was just a one event. Through prayers God did not allow my pride and pain to destroy us. The Lord won the battle that I thought I could never make.
I chose psychiatry as medical specialty perhaps to help myself on the first place. One school of thought psychiatrist believes is that “ones behaviour is determined by her “id”. As “id” is that part of the mind that is always for pleasure, comfort and release I may have been in the field because I wanted to find the peace I have been looking for everywhere. For even when my mind is right, I feel that there is something wrong in my heart. I did find myself, knowing my own psychodynamics and all and it gave me peace at the beginning. Knowing me though was not the answer. The jungle I was into still ate me up and made me more a monster. Competing with others is my worst weakness. I always have this need to prove my supremacy over others. I do a lot of extra reading, extra work, extra of everything and I shout it to the world. I needed to be appreciated! Although it was part of my psychodynamics I just did know how to treat it. I am stressed and just plain tired but could not stop. My “id” was just too powerful than my “ego” and “super ego” combined. In my inner struggles I keep working for the Lord through lip service, showing that I am Christian in my walk in life but deep inside, God as my opium just did not work anymore. My personal relationship with Christ, which is the only thing He requires of me, was no longer there.
Now my friend’s question struck me as very valid and relevant to all that has happened and happening. How come my sunny life been gloomed with thundering rain despite my struggle to be in allegiance to the Supreme Being. It was after all an utmost effort to show His presence in my life despite not feeling Him, thus it deserve good blessing instead of sickness. “God sees through the heart”! “He is all knowing” and “there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing that can be hidden from HIM”. “He knows my every thought, he knows the deepest part of my heart and He knows MY EVERY NEED!” He saw my struggle, He perceived the tiredness of my heart and He saw my need for rest. The unrest in my soul is His reason for placing me in my present SITUATION. He wanted to tell me that I am more important than what I do. My happiness and my comfort are more important than my need to be appreciated by others. He wanted to tell me that I have no idea who He is and my perspective of Him is far from the truth I know. In my present solitude He wanted to tell me of my NEED FOR LOVE.
LOVE a very powerful emotion that can both build and destroy. Even the biblical definition of love is so hard to achieve as it is a perfect manifestation of something that seemed to be just a concept. “Love is patient and kind.” the book of life says. “Love does not envy, it does not boast, and it is not proud.” “Love is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no records of wrongs.” I could “act out” this definition of love but I find it difficult to feel. I am exactly the opposite of all of these therefore it is so difficult for me. Is he giving me something difficult to achieve? Something that would make me crawl on my knees just to perform? Is He making my life more miserable? Of course not! As He opens my eyes in my daily reflection, it dawned on me that the LOVE that I NEEDED is not the emotional one. Ii is Jesus Christ Himself. He is the perfect manifestation of love, He turn the concept of LOVE to reality. He is kind, patient, not rude, not easily angered, and KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONG! I can love easily if I walk with the source of love Himself. Such a beautiful realization of Him it touches the core of my heart! I find it hard to love because I never have or I never allowed the SOURCE of love Himself to dwell (and I to dwell in Him) in me completely.
As I go back to my friend’s question which I perceive as tantamount to asking “Is my sickness a punishment?” I believe that punishment is not of this lifetime! In fact this lifetime is meant for pure happiness and comfort for I believe this is glimpse of what is to come. He meant for me to enjoy every good thing that He had ever made to give me an idea how much better it is in the next. This sickness is just His just one of those reminders He already had made me experience before. So many times He had worked in my life but I have never yielded. He had no other way now but to break me completely, reminding me that my “days here on earth is numbered” and that “my life is in His hands”. Done out of LOVE, He is now in my everyday isolation, gently moulding and remoulding me into better person.
My sunshine will come out soon and I am looking forward to what He has in store for me. This time my hope is that my life will not be like a “clanging cymbal” or a “resounding gong” as I learn to LOVE in His perspective. I hope to reflect, without effort or struggle, that a personal relationship with God, my walk with LOVE Himself is the only thing required.
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of this is LOVE.” (1Cor.13:13)
City of Lights . . .
Yesterday at 9:27pm
DEATH is an inevitable reality that frizzes everyone with fear. Less powerful than love yet it has more capacity than love to change a person’s perspective in life. As the last days of my isolation comes near, thoughts of DEATH haunts me more often. The idea of reflecting about it very depressing, but I have to as it pre occupies my mind. I guess this is my last task in my transformation, conquering my own FEAR over my inevitable extinction.
If during my “sepsis” days I was dying, then the experience “of dying” is not very scary, initially at least. The process was like a dream, nothing painful as I clearly I was with my dead paternal grandmother. She (my grandmother) was so alive in this glimpse thus fear of her being dead in reality never crossed my mind. She was holding a very clean, white mosquito net to which she wanted me to get inside as she said I will be bitten by mosquito. She used to do that when I was a child, she knows I hate using mosquito nets. Lovingly she would try to tuck me into it but I fervently refuse saying it feels so hot to sleep with it, then I would come out my wits and realize that I was in a hospital bed and she would vanish. Every time that I am out of my wit it was my grandma, sometimes with other old dead people I knew (all of them carrying mosquito net) that I would be with. All of them, though not in a scary way, try to convince me to get inside their net.
It was a pleasure to be with my grandmother once more so I welcomed her daily company with serenity. This serenity though was disturbed when at some point the dream changed. Replaced with a scene where I was in a top of a very dark hill frozen in fear! It was so dark I could even see my own hands and it felt as if something or someone around me will just grab and torn me to pieces if I move. I felt helpless as the darkness was so intense, my feet would not even move in my command to step forward. I have never been that scared in my life, and my only hope was a distant well lighted city that was too far to dash. In my desperation I was in the verge of succumbing to my fear when I realized that there was Someone in the dark with me that does not emanate fear. I was not alone in the dark. I could not see His face but I felt His presence. I also realized that the darkness became lighter. He did not say a word but I felt that He was also looking at the distant city full of lights. Then a passage from the book of life, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me” seemed to have been whispered to me. These words gave me strength to take one step forward towards the well lighted city. That single step brought me back to BGH with several doctors and nurses around me. I was in dopamine drip and a “code” was about to be called have not my palpatory BP picked up. It was not my time yet!
For a cancer patient in sepsis death is more than a cousin. It was what I expected when I took that one step during my near death experience. Everything just point to what seemed to be my end, even passage given to me, such as “valley of death”. Even the lighted city, I thought it was His city already waiting for my final destiny. But in His not to be questioned plans, He awaken me still in my own physical body. Deep in my heart now I firmly believe that God alone holds the switch of my breath. What makes me ponder right now was the sudden rush of courage I felt upon hearing His words of assurance that “He was with me, with His rod and staff to comfort me”. What power did it gave me that I took that one brave step forward towards what I thought was my rupture. A test of faith that I passed because of the power of His words of assurance that I was not alone in my darkness. When I woke up still in my earthly form, I firmly believed it my heart that only God can say when will be my appointed time, not my sickness or anything else.
I have been told so many times by so many people (my husband included) that I am still alive because I still have a mission. What is this important thing that I could do for the Lord? I could think of nothing for the Lord lacks nothing. There is nothing I can do to add up to His greatness, He is who He, the supplier of all the things that I need. He does not need anything from me as much as I need so much from Him. His ONLY requirement of me is to live every minute of my day dedicated to HIM alone. Does this mean I have to have a perfect, sinless day? Or that I will not do anything anymore for my life but pray every minute? Definitely not, for if that is the requirement I would surely fail every minute of every day.
In moments when I still myself, trying to soothe myself from fears of uncertainty I hear the same spirit I heard during my near death experience telling me that “MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light”, much lighter and easier than the yoke I try to hook upon myself. I now understand that the yoke He was talking about is my acceptance of where I am and what I have right now. But what do I have right now? Humanly speaking I have nothing; no family to cook for, no morning rush to the hospital for work, no bankbook to update, no activity to attend, no badminton games and yet I live each day satisfied. God’s words “MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light” is so true. Life is easy, happy, and satisfactory if lived in His way! In Him “there is nothing else that I shall want!” blessings that I truly need just keep on coming my way, our way (my entire family) without tiring effort. The blessing of peace and satisfaction are flowing non-stop.
Why am I still alive? In my limited human mind I am still alive because I am just not ready to face my Maker yet. He loves me so much He does not want to lose me in any way! He has “broken my will, but not my spirit” through this sickness, reminding me of His power above all things. He has given me new life through the transplant procedure, making sure that I am reminded that there is nothing impossible for Him. Now in my last 30 days or so of isolation He is gently remoulding me. Every day He “prunes” out all the bad buds in my soul as I remain and will remain imperfect and sinful while here on earth. He is very gentle in His "pruning" though as He still makes sure I enjoy every beautiful thing that He had made in this earth. And I believe He does this so that I would look forward to His appointed time without FEAR.
Are my thoughts now depressing? At some point I have to admit that it is, after all, the topic is about death! Personal experience of near death never fails to turn person’s life 360 degrees as it entails unfathomable fear. Two things I grasp about death; one is that it is inevitable so I need to fret over it. For the meantime, I am commanded to enjoy everything to the fullest one day at a time while waiting for my day. The second thing is that it will not take me until my Maker permitted it. He will not take me until I am good enough for reaping. I am (as well as everyone) precious to Him, He does not want to lose me, thus He would break and remould me again and again if He has to until I learn how to chose the right path on every cross road that I meet in my earthly time.
Death indeed has its power to freeze my every nerve, but God’s love is more powerful I could cross the darkest valley with courage and without fear, so why Fear.
“Only today is yours, tomorrow is the Father’s”. (Andrew Murray)
DEATH is an inevitable reality that frizzes everyone with fear. Less powerful than love yet it has more capacity than love to change a person’s perspective in life. As the last days of my isolation comes near, thoughts of DEATH haunts me more often. The idea of reflecting about it very depressing, but I have to as it pre occupies my mind. I guess this is my last task in my transformation, conquering my own FEAR over my inevitable extinction.
If during my “sepsis” days I was dying, then the experience “of dying” is not very scary, initially at least. The process was like a dream, nothing painful as I clearly I was with my dead paternal grandmother. She (my grandmother) was so alive in this glimpse thus fear of her being dead in reality never crossed my mind. She was holding a very clean, white mosquito net to which she wanted me to get inside as she said I will be bitten by mosquito. She used to do that when I was a child, she knows I hate using mosquito nets. Lovingly she would try to tuck me into it but I fervently refuse saying it feels so hot to sleep with it, then I would come out my wits and realize that I was in a hospital bed and she would vanish. Every time that I am out of my wit it was my grandma, sometimes with other old dead people I knew (all of them carrying mosquito net) that I would be with. All of them, though not in a scary way, try to convince me to get inside their net.
It was a pleasure to be with my grandmother once more so I welcomed her daily company with serenity. This serenity though was disturbed when at some point the dream changed. Replaced with a scene where I was in a top of a very dark hill frozen in fear! It was so dark I could even see my own hands and it felt as if something or someone around me will just grab and torn me to pieces if I move. I felt helpless as the darkness was so intense, my feet would not even move in my command to step forward. I have never been that scared in my life, and my only hope was a distant well lighted city that was too far to dash. In my desperation I was in the verge of succumbing to my fear when I realized that there was Someone in the dark with me that does not emanate fear. I was not alone in the dark. I could not see His face but I felt His presence. I also realized that the darkness became lighter. He did not say a word but I felt that He was also looking at the distant city full of lights. Then a passage from the book of life, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me” seemed to have been whispered to me. These words gave me strength to take one step forward towards the well lighted city. That single step brought me back to BGH with several doctors and nurses around me. I was in dopamine drip and a “code” was about to be called have not my palpatory BP picked up. It was not my time yet!
For a cancer patient in sepsis death is more than a cousin. It was what I expected when I took that one step during my near death experience. Everything just point to what seemed to be my end, even passage given to me, such as “valley of death”. Even the lighted city, I thought it was His city already waiting for my final destiny. But in His not to be questioned plans, He awaken me still in my own physical body. Deep in my heart now I firmly believe that God alone holds the switch of my breath. What makes me ponder right now was the sudden rush of courage I felt upon hearing His words of assurance that “He was with me, with His rod and staff to comfort me”. What power did it gave me that I took that one brave step forward towards what I thought was my rupture. A test of faith that I passed because of the power of His words of assurance that I was not alone in my darkness. When I woke up still in my earthly form, I firmly believed it my heart that only God can say when will be my appointed time, not my sickness or anything else.
I have been told so many times by so many people (my husband included) that I am still alive because I still have a mission. What is this important thing that I could do for the Lord? I could think of nothing for the Lord lacks nothing. There is nothing I can do to add up to His greatness, He is who He, the supplier of all the things that I need. He does not need anything from me as much as I need so much from Him. His ONLY requirement of me is to live every minute of my day dedicated to HIM alone. Does this mean I have to have a perfect, sinless day? Or that I will not do anything anymore for my life but pray every minute? Definitely not, for if that is the requirement I would surely fail every minute of every day.
In moments when I still myself, trying to soothe myself from fears of uncertainty I hear the same spirit I heard during my near death experience telling me that “MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light”, much lighter and easier than the yoke I try to hook upon myself. I now understand that the yoke He was talking about is my acceptance of where I am and what I have right now. But what do I have right now? Humanly speaking I have nothing; no family to cook for, no morning rush to the hospital for work, no bankbook to update, no activity to attend, no badminton games and yet I live each day satisfied. God’s words “MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light” is so true. Life is easy, happy, and satisfactory if lived in His way! In Him “there is nothing else that I shall want!” blessings that I truly need just keep on coming my way, our way (my entire family) without tiring effort. The blessing of peace and satisfaction are flowing non-stop.
Why am I still alive? In my limited human mind I am still alive because I am just not ready to face my Maker yet. He loves me so much He does not want to lose me in any way! He has “broken my will, but not my spirit” through this sickness, reminding me of His power above all things. He has given me new life through the transplant procedure, making sure that I am reminded that there is nothing impossible for Him. Now in my last 30 days or so of isolation He is gently remoulding me. Every day He “prunes” out all the bad buds in my soul as I remain and will remain imperfect and sinful while here on earth. He is very gentle in His "pruning" though as He still makes sure I enjoy every beautiful thing that He had made in this earth. And I believe He does this so that I would look forward to His appointed time without FEAR.
Are my thoughts now depressing? At some point I have to admit that it is, after all, the topic is about death! Personal experience of near death never fails to turn person’s life 360 degrees as it entails unfathomable fear. Two things I grasp about death; one is that it is inevitable so I need to fret over it. For the meantime, I am commanded to enjoy everything to the fullest one day at a time while waiting for my day. The second thing is that it will not take me until my Maker permitted it. He will not take me until I am good enough for reaping. I am (as well as everyone) precious to Him, He does not want to lose me, thus He would break and remould me again and again if He has to until I learn how to chose the right path on every cross road that I meet in my earthly time.
Death indeed has its power to freeze my every nerve, but God’s love is more powerful I could cross the darkest valley with courage and without fear, so why Fear.
“Only today is yours, tomorrow is the Father’s”. (Andrew Murray)
Friday, June 11, 2010
Selfish Wish
Wednesday at 9:48pm
Tomorrow is my 30th day since I was discharged from the hospital. They said that most patients get readmitted in two to three weeks time because of acquired infection or LBM and I am lucky to be one of the few who reached the one month and counting period. Post transplant, especially the first 120 days, is the most difficult part of all. Most of the patients I have talked to would rather bury the memory in the deepest recesses of their mind. Sometimes I have to do the same to be able to sleep but it seems that the constant pain in my back would not make me forget. For a week now my low back pain although tolerable is such a nuisance I can’t even sit long enough to read or do something else. If I force to sit down for a long time, the pain would shoot up at my nape area to my head. Three mornings ago I woke up unable to move my knees. They seemed to lock themselves and now give me discomfort to walk. I am not some sadist to enjoy all these but I am not complaining this time. I have been thru these pains and so much more . . .
What a way to celebrate the Easter Sunday of 2010, considering it was my first post transplant day. I happily announced to almost everyone that my ordeal was finally over. I successfully received and wholeheartedly accepted my sister’s bone marrow. I was just to wait for two to three weeks for the new bone marrow to engraft and produce the blood components I needed to survive. I was elated, euphoric even and I felt so free! I needed something to do, something that will help me on the days to come when the dreaded effects of chemo drugs and the possible start of GVHD will start. My goal was to defeat the physical symptoms through “mind over matter.” “Know your enemy”, I devoured books pertaining to medications and more. I acted as if I was back in med school. I thought I was ready to face my post transplant period ALONE but all my effort was vain for not one prepared me of what was to come.
My second week post transplant, my new bone marrow started to produce new blood cells. The same week I also woke up with one big, painful sore in my tongue. Forewarned I did not worry about it confident that though it was painful, it was tolerable. I am all set to experience this pain most post transplant were all so afraid about. Mind over matter, my mind was ready. The following day another sore came out, and since then everyday new one would just pop out of nowhere until my tongue became swollen it would come out of my mouth. I could not speak because of the pain and at night I could sleep as beside the pain saliva would flow up to my neck. Just with one sore it was painful enough, with every inch of tongue it was excruciatingly painful. The “one night popping” sore did not stop in the tongue. It grew also in my throat and I believe up to my anus because every time I excrete I writhe in pain. It would take me an hour plus buckets of sweat just to use the bathroom, which was more than five to six times a day. I could not eat; I could not speak because of severe pain 24 hours a day. I did my best to conquer the pain; I tried to suffer it all on my own! It was only at night that I could not hide the torture. As in my minutes of sleep I would dream that I was well playing with my children, and then the three of them would sit in my chest I could not breath I would moan in pain. My sister would wake me up always telling me I sound like in too much pain, to which I would answer I was just having a bad dream. Even my mind refused to accept that I was in pain.
Every day I waited for the doctor’s promise that the sore will go away one by one the way they came, instead it worsened. Everything that was given to me, from IV medication to per orem medication would cause severe abdominal pain. Even the simple magnesium and potassium that was supposed to be normal component of my body would make me crawl in my bed in pain. It felt like a sore rubbed with pepper, the "hotness" would creep into my skin and skin me alive. I stopped counting the coming weeks as the torture of my gut continued. I was already placed on TPN as I could not swallow anymore despite my willingness to.
For weeks they have been asking me if I wanted the pain management team to come in, but I would answer “I can take the pain; I have a very high threshold for pain.” I can make it, “mind over matter!” At this point in time I was the one who requested for the pain management team to come in. “I needed someone, anyone to abate the pain.” I was then hooked on fentanyl drip. Like a miracle it helped lessen the pain and the relief was such a pleasure I thought it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. The drip was under my own control, so I did not allow even a little discomfort as I would press it once I awakened so that not an atom of pain could touch me. The pain free feelings given by the fentanyl made me selfishly and horribly wish for death. I thought if my sickness will make live this kind of pain all the time then I would rather have swift one. The sleep the fentanyl was giving me an unimaginable relief, gave me so must rest I wanted to rest for good. I was in this state for almost a week, wanting nothing but relief, wishing for things to be always that comfortable. Not even the voice of my husband would take me away in my comfort zone. Not even the voices of my angels (my children) would stop me from continually dripping myself with the only thing that made me feel satisfied (fentanyl).
As their day of visit was always a Sunday, the last thing I would hear from them was we came from Sunday school and we have something for you. Work of art they do in Sunday school that I used to keep and cherish but that time did not matter anymore. Then one day my eldest, my “warrior” child, asked “mom why are you always asleep when we visit, are you still tired? Dad said you are not getting well? Don’t you want to get well anymore?” A seven year old, made to face the reality that his mom will not probably get well because she refuse to. It was my wake up call!
As a mother, I have been so selfish wishing for comfort. I have forgotten that they too (my little children) were made to make sacrifice of not having their mom long enough. I was so selfish I forgot that I promised that I will be with him on his 7th birthday, then on my second son’s 5th birthday. I promised that I will be there already before classes begin to tutor them in their homework. I promised that I would finish the make believe story of the three baboons which they love so much. I was so selfish I forgot that I have given them hope that I would return to them and we will do so many things together. I realized that their longing for a mother and the fear they harbour was so much torturing than my physical pain. The sacrifices they were forced to be in were so much more than mine it made me so ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my selfish wish for my own COMFORT I did not think of the other people hoping unceasingly that I would take courage and do my very best to return to them.
“It is only by frequent repetition that a child learns her lesson.”
It occured to me then that I am again under test! For the first time in three weeks that I was in pain I thought of the One who have been watching me my entire ordeal. After my successful second transplant attempt through His higher way, I thought I could walk on my own the rest of the journey through “mind over matter”. I let go of my hold on Him the way I did when I got frustrated during my first transplant attempt. I free myself from HIM in FRUSTRATION, I also free from Him after VICTORY! When will I ever learn? What else He WOULD not and COULD not do for me? He has saved me so many times in my life and yet I wanted to be free from Him each time for reason I did not fully understand then! In whatever emotional state as long as I could see MY OWN WAY OUT I detach from Him. My stubborn heart and my foolish dependence on what can be proven and tangible keeps me from fully comprehending that there is nothing in this earth that is not of Him. From the beating of my heart to the smallest sore I had was all His and in His control. And He used this to teach my heart the real meaning of the cliché that “I will never make it here on earth or in heaven without Him.” His reality and existence was too much for my human brain to grasp that is why I refuse to believe it! I thought I was already calling upon Him when I say a prayer but actually the prayer I say is just like a wishful thinking for someone that is unseen. as before praying I already had MY OWN plans. In His mercy and hard to comprehend love for me, He made my last forty days stay in the BMT unit an experience of His reality and His ever presence in my life.
For the nth time Jesus Christ called me again to “rest in Him”, and I responded the way I did before. Only this time I became aware that He had and has another invitation for me which I fail to hear before. A very soft invitation to “abide, live, dwell, endure, await, and stand firm with Him.” He opened my eyes to the truth, again my always spoken yet not heartfelt truth, that I JUST COULD NOT LIVE APART FROM HIM! I do have my choice not to, but His love for me would not stop Him from reaching me out until like a child I will fully LEARN.
In my present pain and in my present situation I am always attacked by the thought that I am an imbecile. MY human pride tempts me to feel useless to myself, my husband, kids and society. These thoughts always bring me down to melancholia. I am learning to counter it with God's words, with His command that "a man should remain in the situation where he is being called to.” In my daily reflections He always reminds me to “shield myself with faith, use His word as sword, protect my heart with His righteousness, and wore my shoes of humility.” all the time.
I don’t really know until when I will be like this. I don’t really know how He sees me to be of service to Him this way. All I know is it took Him years to polish “Joseph the dreamer” before He placed him to the fore. Joseph’s on his end just waited upon the Lord for he knew and understood completely that Jesus Christ’s way is the best way now and for always!He cheerfully served Him with the understanding that it is not the situation but the "hands" behind the situation (victory or frustration) that should be the focus of his attention!
Tomorrow is my 30th day since I was discharged from the hospital. They said that most patients get readmitted in two to three weeks time because of acquired infection or LBM and I am lucky to be one of the few who reached the one month and counting period. Post transplant, especially the first 120 days, is the most difficult part of all. Most of the patients I have talked to would rather bury the memory in the deepest recesses of their mind. Sometimes I have to do the same to be able to sleep but it seems that the constant pain in my back would not make me forget. For a week now my low back pain although tolerable is such a nuisance I can’t even sit long enough to read or do something else. If I force to sit down for a long time, the pain would shoot up at my nape area to my head. Three mornings ago I woke up unable to move my knees. They seemed to lock themselves and now give me discomfort to walk. I am not some sadist to enjoy all these but I am not complaining this time. I have been thru these pains and so much more . . .
What a way to celebrate the Easter Sunday of 2010, considering it was my first post transplant day. I happily announced to almost everyone that my ordeal was finally over. I successfully received and wholeheartedly accepted my sister’s bone marrow. I was just to wait for two to three weeks for the new bone marrow to engraft and produce the blood components I needed to survive. I was elated, euphoric even and I felt so free! I needed something to do, something that will help me on the days to come when the dreaded effects of chemo drugs and the possible start of GVHD will start. My goal was to defeat the physical symptoms through “mind over matter.” “Know your enemy”, I devoured books pertaining to medications and more. I acted as if I was back in med school. I thought I was ready to face my post transplant period ALONE but all my effort was vain for not one prepared me of what was to come.
My second week post transplant, my new bone marrow started to produce new blood cells. The same week I also woke up with one big, painful sore in my tongue. Forewarned I did not worry about it confident that though it was painful, it was tolerable. I am all set to experience this pain most post transplant were all so afraid about. Mind over matter, my mind was ready. The following day another sore came out, and since then everyday new one would just pop out of nowhere until my tongue became swollen it would come out of my mouth. I could not speak because of the pain and at night I could sleep as beside the pain saliva would flow up to my neck. Just with one sore it was painful enough, with every inch of tongue it was excruciatingly painful. The “one night popping” sore did not stop in the tongue. It grew also in my throat and I believe up to my anus because every time I excrete I writhe in pain. It would take me an hour plus buckets of sweat just to use the bathroom, which was more than five to six times a day. I could not eat; I could not speak because of severe pain 24 hours a day. I did my best to conquer the pain; I tried to suffer it all on my own! It was only at night that I could not hide the torture. As in my minutes of sleep I would dream that I was well playing with my children, and then the three of them would sit in my chest I could not breath I would moan in pain. My sister would wake me up always telling me I sound like in too much pain, to which I would answer I was just having a bad dream. Even my mind refused to accept that I was in pain.
Every day I waited for the doctor’s promise that the sore will go away one by one the way they came, instead it worsened. Everything that was given to me, from IV medication to per orem medication would cause severe abdominal pain. Even the simple magnesium and potassium that was supposed to be normal component of my body would make me crawl in my bed in pain. It felt like a sore rubbed with pepper, the "hotness" would creep into my skin and skin me alive. I stopped counting the coming weeks as the torture of my gut continued. I was already placed on TPN as I could not swallow anymore despite my willingness to.
For weeks they have been asking me if I wanted the pain management team to come in, but I would answer “I can take the pain; I have a very high threshold for pain.” I can make it, “mind over matter!” At this point in time I was the one who requested for the pain management team to come in. “I needed someone, anyone to abate the pain.” I was then hooked on fentanyl drip. Like a miracle it helped lessen the pain and the relief was such a pleasure I thought it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. The drip was under my own control, so I did not allow even a little discomfort as I would press it once I awakened so that not an atom of pain could touch me. The pain free feelings given by the fentanyl made me selfishly and horribly wish for death. I thought if my sickness will make live this kind of pain all the time then I would rather have swift one. The sleep the fentanyl was giving me an unimaginable relief, gave me so must rest I wanted to rest for good. I was in this state for almost a week, wanting nothing but relief, wishing for things to be always that comfortable. Not even the voice of my husband would take me away in my comfort zone. Not even the voices of my angels (my children) would stop me from continually dripping myself with the only thing that made me feel satisfied (fentanyl).
As their day of visit was always a Sunday, the last thing I would hear from them was we came from Sunday school and we have something for you. Work of art they do in Sunday school that I used to keep and cherish but that time did not matter anymore. Then one day my eldest, my “warrior” child, asked “mom why are you always asleep when we visit, are you still tired? Dad said you are not getting well? Don’t you want to get well anymore?” A seven year old, made to face the reality that his mom will not probably get well because she refuse to. It was my wake up call!
As a mother, I have been so selfish wishing for comfort. I have forgotten that they too (my little children) were made to make sacrifice of not having their mom long enough. I was so selfish I forgot that I promised that I will be with him on his 7th birthday, then on my second son’s 5th birthday. I promised that I will be there already before classes begin to tutor them in their homework. I promised that I would finish the make believe story of the three baboons which they love so much. I was so selfish I forgot that I have given them hope that I would return to them and we will do so many things together. I realized that their longing for a mother and the fear they harbour was so much torturing than my physical pain. The sacrifices they were forced to be in were so much more than mine it made me so ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my selfish wish for my own COMFORT I did not think of the other people hoping unceasingly that I would take courage and do my very best to return to them.
“It is only by frequent repetition that a child learns her lesson.”
It occured to me then that I am again under test! For the first time in three weeks that I was in pain I thought of the One who have been watching me my entire ordeal. After my successful second transplant attempt through His higher way, I thought I could walk on my own the rest of the journey through “mind over matter”. I let go of my hold on Him the way I did when I got frustrated during my first transplant attempt. I free myself from HIM in FRUSTRATION, I also free from Him after VICTORY! When will I ever learn? What else He WOULD not and COULD not do for me? He has saved me so many times in my life and yet I wanted to be free from Him each time for reason I did not fully understand then! In whatever emotional state as long as I could see MY OWN WAY OUT I detach from Him. My stubborn heart and my foolish dependence on what can be proven and tangible keeps me from fully comprehending that there is nothing in this earth that is not of Him. From the beating of my heart to the smallest sore I had was all His and in His control. And He used this to teach my heart the real meaning of the cliché that “I will never make it here on earth or in heaven without Him.” His reality and existence was too much for my human brain to grasp that is why I refuse to believe it! I thought I was already calling upon Him when I say a prayer but actually the prayer I say is just like a wishful thinking for someone that is unseen. as before praying I already had MY OWN plans. In His mercy and hard to comprehend love for me, He made my last forty days stay in the BMT unit an experience of His reality and His ever presence in my life.
For the nth time Jesus Christ called me again to “rest in Him”, and I responded the way I did before. Only this time I became aware that He had and has another invitation for me which I fail to hear before. A very soft invitation to “abide, live, dwell, endure, await, and stand firm with Him.” He opened my eyes to the truth, again my always spoken yet not heartfelt truth, that I JUST COULD NOT LIVE APART FROM HIM! I do have my choice not to, but His love for me would not stop Him from reaching me out until like a child I will fully LEARN.
In my present pain and in my present situation I am always attacked by the thought that I am an imbecile. MY human pride tempts me to feel useless to myself, my husband, kids and society. These thoughts always bring me down to melancholia. I am learning to counter it with God's words, with His command that "a man should remain in the situation where he is being called to.” In my daily reflections He always reminds me to “shield myself with faith, use His word as sword, protect my heart with His righteousness, and wore my shoes of humility.” all the time.
I don’t really know until when I will be like this. I don’t really know how He sees me to be of service to Him this way. All I know is it took Him years to polish “Joseph the dreamer” before He placed him to the fore. Joseph’s on his end just waited upon the Lord for he knew and understood completely that Jesus Christ’s way is the best way now and for always!He cheerfully served Him with the understanding that it is not the situation but the "hands" behind the situation (victory or frustration) that should be the focus of his attention!
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