Wednesday, December 8, 2010 at 12:56pm
Indeed “The night is darkest before the break of dawn.” In my eight month post transplant period the scourge inflicted upon my body and mind become stronger. With each strike a groan for pain is inevitable, with each strike cuts are getting deeper I can no longer contain it I have to air complain. I have no escape! I cannot run away, a barrier is installed right in front of me. Not a mountain that I could go around about but a wall so long and so high I could not climb. Whatever courage left in me is slowly fading away; whatever strength left in me is no longer enough for me to take even a single step forward.
Why finality takes so long to come? It is of preference, I am ready. I have been since my second admission this month. I no longer consider it selfishness or unfair for my husband and children to wish for final rest for even them is forced to take part in the suffering. They have done their part; they have taken more than their portion of bitterness. I cannot let them be hurt much longer, no matter what they say a single hard blow is a lot better than moderate constant scourge. Though not cornered I rest, not to reflect just to rest and stop fighting.
I wanted to “switch off” my thinking but even that eludes my will. Even in my despair GOOD things of the past flashback for a split second. Have I not experienced wellness two months ago? Have I not been back on my feet enjoying household chores and my family? In all abnormalities of my other organ system isn’t my cancer cured? In the abnormality of my liver isn’t my bone marrow working well already? Why don’t I succumb to profuse bleeding with my abnormal clotting factors? Is this not my third sepsis? Why am I still alive? Don’t I have a man whose love and devotion to me and our marriage been tested by what seems to be an element hotter than fire? Don’t I have three beautiful children whose emotional quotient is more than genius? As they (our kids) do perfectly well in every aspect despite the constant sorrow in their hearts. What am I missing? Oh I know, I am missing the flicker of light in what I perceive as total darkness.
I struggled to have a comfortable life and I did not get it. Now I wish for worst but neither that was given. My life is truly not in my hands! “Only God can do all things; and no plan of His can be thwarted” (Job 42:2). His plans are so hard to accept because at the moment they seem so horrible and unfathomable. But “Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge” (Job 42:3). Indeed who am I to interfere with His plans for me? Didn’t Job in his blind faith emerge victorious in the end? He did not only become more blessed with earthly things. More than a blessing for his life is in history used by many who lose hope because of affliction. His misfortune is now used as an example to give hope, to never give up and to wait upon the Lord in every impossible situation. With assurance thru His words I know that I am in a plan designed for His greater glory, thus, it is good for me. I will hold on tightly to this lovely passage “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future” (Jeremiah 29:11).
So right now I decided to stand up and start walking again. I don’t have any choice nor do I? My life will not be taken unless it is time, even if I stop I will be in the same situation so I might as well keep on going. Who knows I may just be few steps away from His goal for me. As to the seemingly tall and long wall in front of me, is not Mt Everest the known tallest mountain on earth has lost its prestige to a lame? Is there anything permanent in this lifetime? I can think of nothing! Both good and bad fade away. This moment of my lifetime shall also pass, as to when only He can tell. Bravely now I will keep on walking, where to? I don’t have an answer, but hopefully towards that small ray of light. Until when will I go on? WITH BLIND FAITH I WILL WALK UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN . . .
Showing posts with label BMT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BMT. Show all posts
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Selfish Wish
Wednesday at 9:48pm
Tomorrow is my 30th day since I was discharged from the hospital. They said that most patients get readmitted in two to three weeks time because of acquired infection or LBM and I am lucky to be one of the few who reached the one month and counting period. Post transplant, especially the first 120 days, is the most difficult part of all. Most of the patients I have talked to would rather bury the memory in the deepest recesses of their mind. Sometimes I have to do the same to be able to sleep but it seems that the constant pain in my back would not make me forget. For a week now my low back pain although tolerable is such a nuisance I can’t even sit long enough to read or do something else. If I force to sit down for a long time, the pain would shoot up at my nape area to my head. Three mornings ago I woke up unable to move my knees. They seemed to lock themselves and now give me discomfort to walk. I am not some sadist to enjoy all these but I am not complaining this time. I have been thru these pains and so much more . . .
What a way to celebrate the Easter Sunday of 2010, considering it was my first post transplant day. I happily announced to almost everyone that my ordeal was finally over. I successfully received and wholeheartedly accepted my sister’s bone marrow. I was just to wait for two to three weeks for the new bone marrow to engraft and produce the blood components I needed to survive. I was elated, euphoric even and I felt so free! I needed something to do, something that will help me on the days to come when the dreaded effects of chemo drugs and the possible start of GVHD will start. My goal was to defeat the physical symptoms through “mind over matter.” “Know your enemy”, I devoured books pertaining to medications and more. I acted as if I was back in med school. I thought I was ready to face my post transplant period ALONE but all my effort was vain for not one prepared me of what was to come.
My second week post transplant, my new bone marrow started to produce new blood cells. The same week I also woke up with one big, painful sore in my tongue. Forewarned I did not worry about it confident that though it was painful, it was tolerable. I am all set to experience this pain most post transplant were all so afraid about. Mind over matter, my mind was ready. The following day another sore came out, and since then everyday new one would just pop out of nowhere until my tongue became swollen it would come out of my mouth. I could not speak because of the pain and at night I could sleep as beside the pain saliva would flow up to my neck. Just with one sore it was painful enough, with every inch of tongue it was excruciatingly painful. The “one night popping” sore did not stop in the tongue. It grew also in my throat and I believe up to my anus because every time I excrete I writhe in pain. It would take me an hour plus buckets of sweat just to use the bathroom, which was more than five to six times a day. I could not eat; I could not speak because of severe pain 24 hours a day. I did my best to conquer the pain; I tried to suffer it all on my own! It was only at night that I could not hide the torture. As in my minutes of sleep I would dream that I was well playing with my children, and then the three of them would sit in my chest I could not breath I would moan in pain. My sister would wake me up always telling me I sound like in too much pain, to which I would answer I was just having a bad dream. Even my mind refused to accept that I was in pain.
Every day I waited for the doctor’s promise that the sore will go away one by one the way they came, instead it worsened. Everything that was given to me, from IV medication to per orem medication would cause severe abdominal pain. Even the simple magnesium and potassium that was supposed to be normal component of my body would make me crawl in my bed in pain. It felt like a sore rubbed with pepper, the "hotness" would creep into my skin and skin me alive. I stopped counting the coming weeks as the torture of my gut continued. I was already placed on TPN as I could not swallow anymore despite my willingness to.
For weeks they have been asking me if I wanted the pain management team to come in, but I would answer “I can take the pain; I have a very high threshold for pain.” I can make it, “mind over matter!” At this point in time I was the one who requested for the pain management team to come in. “I needed someone, anyone to abate the pain.” I was then hooked on fentanyl drip. Like a miracle it helped lessen the pain and the relief was such a pleasure I thought it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. The drip was under my own control, so I did not allow even a little discomfort as I would press it once I awakened so that not an atom of pain could touch me. The pain free feelings given by the fentanyl made me selfishly and horribly wish for death. I thought if my sickness will make live this kind of pain all the time then I would rather have swift one. The sleep the fentanyl was giving me an unimaginable relief, gave me so must rest I wanted to rest for good. I was in this state for almost a week, wanting nothing but relief, wishing for things to be always that comfortable. Not even the voice of my husband would take me away in my comfort zone. Not even the voices of my angels (my children) would stop me from continually dripping myself with the only thing that made me feel satisfied (fentanyl).
As their day of visit was always a Sunday, the last thing I would hear from them was we came from Sunday school and we have something for you. Work of art they do in Sunday school that I used to keep and cherish but that time did not matter anymore. Then one day my eldest, my “warrior” child, asked “mom why are you always asleep when we visit, are you still tired? Dad said you are not getting well? Don’t you want to get well anymore?” A seven year old, made to face the reality that his mom will not probably get well because she refuse to. It was my wake up call!
As a mother, I have been so selfish wishing for comfort. I have forgotten that they too (my little children) were made to make sacrifice of not having their mom long enough. I was so selfish I forgot that I promised that I will be with him on his 7th birthday, then on my second son’s 5th birthday. I promised that I will be there already before classes begin to tutor them in their homework. I promised that I would finish the make believe story of the three baboons which they love so much. I was so selfish I forgot that I have given them hope that I would return to them and we will do so many things together. I realized that their longing for a mother and the fear they harbour was so much torturing than my physical pain. The sacrifices they were forced to be in were so much more than mine it made me so ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my selfish wish for my own COMFORT I did not think of the other people hoping unceasingly that I would take courage and do my very best to return to them.
“It is only by frequent repetition that a child learns her lesson.”
It occured to me then that I am again under test! For the first time in three weeks that I was in pain I thought of the One who have been watching me my entire ordeal. After my successful second transplant attempt through His higher way, I thought I could walk on my own the rest of the journey through “mind over matter”. I let go of my hold on Him the way I did when I got frustrated during my first transplant attempt. I free myself from HIM in FRUSTRATION, I also free from Him after VICTORY! When will I ever learn? What else He WOULD not and COULD not do for me? He has saved me so many times in my life and yet I wanted to be free from Him each time for reason I did not fully understand then! In whatever emotional state as long as I could see MY OWN WAY OUT I detach from Him. My stubborn heart and my foolish dependence on what can be proven and tangible keeps me from fully comprehending that there is nothing in this earth that is not of Him. From the beating of my heart to the smallest sore I had was all His and in His control. And He used this to teach my heart the real meaning of the cliché that “I will never make it here on earth or in heaven without Him.” His reality and existence was too much for my human brain to grasp that is why I refuse to believe it! I thought I was already calling upon Him when I say a prayer but actually the prayer I say is just like a wishful thinking for someone that is unseen. as before praying I already had MY OWN plans. In His mercy and hard to comprehend love for me, He made my last forty days stay in the BMT unit an experience of His reality and His ever presence in my life.
For the nth time Jesus Christ called me again to “rest in Him”, and I responded the way I did before. Only this time I became aware that He had and has another invitation for me which I fail to hear before. A very soft invitation to “abide, live, dwell, endure, await, and stand firm with Him.” He opened my eyes to the truth, again my always spoken yet not heartfelt truth, that I JUST COULD NOT LIVE APART FROM HIM! I do have my choice not to, but His love for me would not stop Him from reaching me out until like a child I will fully LEARN.
In my present pain and in my present situation I am always attacked by the thought that I am an imbecile. MY human pride tempts me to feel useless to myself, my husband, kids and society. These thoughts always bring me down to melancholia. I am learning to counter it with God's words, with His command that "a man should remain in the situation where he is being called to.” In my daily reflections He always reminds me to “shield myself with faith, use His word as sword, protect my heart with His righteousness, and wore my shoes of humility.” all the time.
I don’t really know until when I will be like this. I don’t really know how He sees me to be of service to Him this way. All I know is it took Him years to polish “Joseph the dreamer” before He placed him to the fore. Joseph’s on his end just waited upon the Lord for he knew and understood completely that Jesus Christ’s way is the best way now and for always!He cheerfully served Him with the understanding that it is not the situation but the "hands" behind the situation (victory or frustration) that should be the focus of his attention!
Tomorrow is my 30th day since I was discharged from the hospital. They said that most patients get readmitted in two to three weeks time because of acquired infection or LBM and I am lucky to be one of the few who reached the one month and counting period. Post transplant, especially the first 120 days, is the most difficult part of all. Most of the patients I have talked to would rather bury the memory in the deepest recesses of their mind. Sometimes I have to do the same to be able to sleep but it seems that the constant pain in my back would not make me forget. For a week now my low back pain although tolerable is such a nuisance I can’t even sit long enough to read or do something else. If I force to sit down for a long time, the pain would shoot up at my nape area to my head. Three mornings ago I woke up unable to move my knees. They seemed to lock themselves and now give me discomfort to walk. I am not some sadist to enjoy all these but I am not complaining this time. I have been thru these pains and so much more . . .
What a way to celebrate the Easter Sunday of 2010, considering it was my first post transplant day. I happily announced to almost everyone that my ordeal was finally over. I successfully received and wholeheartedly accepted my sister’s bone marrow. I was just to wait for two to three weeks for the new bone marrow to engraft and produce the blood components I needed to survive. I was elated, euphoric even and I felt so free! I needed something to do, something that will help me on the days to come when the dreaded effects of chemo drugs and the possible start of GVHD will start. My goal was to defeat the physical symptoms through “mind over matter.” “Know your enemy”, I devoured books pertaining to medications and more. I acted as if I was back in med school. I thought I was ready to face my post transplant period ALONE but all my effort was vain for not one prepared me of what was to come.
My second week post transplant, my new bone marrow started to produce new blood cells. The same week I also woke up with one big, painful sore in my tongue. Forewarned I did not worry about it confident that though it was painful, it was tolerable. I am all set to experience this pain most post transplant were all so afraid about. Mind over matter, my mind was ready. The following day another sore came out, and since then everyday new one would just pop out of nowhere until my tongue became swollen it would come out of my mouth. I could not speak because of the pain and at night I could sleep as beside the pain saliva would flow up to my neck. Just with one sore it was painful enough, with every inch of tongue it was excruciatingly painful. The “one night popping” sore did not stop in the tongue. It grew also in my throat and I believe up to my anus because every time I excrete I writhe in pain. It would take me an hour plus buckets of sweat just to use the bathroom, which was more than five to six times a day. I could not eat; I could not speak because of severe pain 24 hours a day. I did my best to conquer the pain; I tried to suffer it all on my own! It was only at night that I could not hide the torture. As in my minutes of sleep I would dream that I was well playing with my children, and then the three of them would sit in my chest I could not breath I would moan in pain. My sister would wake me up always telling me I sound like in too much pain, to which I would answer I was just having a bad dream. Even my mind refused to accept that I was in pain.
Every day I waited for the doctor’s promise that the sore will go away one by one the way they came, instead it worsened. Everything that was given to me, from IV medication to per orem medication would cause severe abdominal pain. Even the simple magnesium and potassium that was supposed to be normal component of my body would make me crawl in my bed in pain. It felt like a sore rubbed with pepper, the "hotness" would creep into my skin and skin me alive. I stopped counting the coming weeks as the torture of my gut continued. I was already placed on TPN as I could not swallow anymore despite my willingness to.
For weeks they have been asking me if I wanted the pain management team to come in, but I would answer “I can take the pain; I have a very high threshold for pain.” I can make it, “mind over matter!” At this point in time I was the one who requested for the pain management team to come in. “I needed someone, anyone to abate the pain.” I was then hooked on fentanyl drip. Like a miracle it helped lessen the pain and the relief was such a pleasure I thought it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. The drip was under my own control, so I did not allow even a little discomfort as I would press it once I awakened so that not an atom of pain could touch me. The pain free feelings given by the fentanyl made me selfishly and horribly wish for death. I thought if my sickness will make live this kind of pain all the time then I would rather have swift one. The sleep the fentanyl was giving me an unimaginable relief, gave me so must rest I wanted to rest for good. I was in this state for almost a week, wanting nothing but relief, wishing for things to be always that comfortable. Not even the voice of my husband would take me away in my comfort zone. Not even the voices of my angels (my children) would stop me from continually dripping myself with the only thing that made me feel satisfied (fentanyl).
As their day of visit was always a Sunday, the last thing I would hear from them was we came from Sunday school and we have something for you. Work of art they do in Sunday school that I used to keep and cherish but that time did not matter anymore. Then one day my eldest, my “warrior” child, asked “mom why are you always asleep when we visit, are you still tired? Dad said you are not getting well? Don’t you want to get well anymore?” A seven year old, made to face the reality that his mom will not probably get well because she refuse to. It was my wake up call!
As a mother, I have been so selfish wishing for comfort. I have forgotten that they too (my little children) were made to make sacrifice of not having their mom long enough. I was so selfish I forgot that I promised that I will be with him on his 7th birthday, then on my second son’s 5th birthday. I promised that I will be there already before classes begin to tutor them in their homework. I promised that I would finish the make believe story of the three baboons which they love so much. I was so selfish I forgot that I have given them hope that I would return to them and we will do so many things together. I realized that their longing for a mother and the fear they harbour was so much torturing than my physical pain. The sacrifices they were forced to be in were so much more than mine it made me so ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my selfish wish for my own COMFORT I did not think of the other people hoping unceasingly that I would take courage and do my very best to return to them.
“It is only by frequent repetition that a child learns her lesson.”
It occured to me then that I am again under test! For the first time in three weeks that I was in pain I thought of the One who have been watching me my entire ordeal. After my successful second transplant attempt through His higher way, I thought I could walk on my own the rest of the journey through “mind over matter”. I let go of my hold on Him the way I did when I got frustrated during my first transplant attempt. I free myself from HIM in FRUSTRATION, I also free from Him after VICTORY! When will I ever learn? What else He WOULD not and COULD not do for me? He has saved me so many times in my life and yet I wanted to be free from Him each time for reason I did not fully understand then! In whatever emotional state as long as I could see MY OWN WAY OUT I detach from Him. My stubborn heart and my foolish dependence on what can be proven and tangible keeps me from fully comprehending that there is nothing in this earth that is not of Him. From the beating of my heart to the smallest sore I had was all His and in His control. And He used this to teach my heart the real meaning of the cliché that “I will never make it here on earth or in heaven without Him.” His reality and existence was too much for my human brain to grasp that is why I refuse to believe it! I thought I was already calling upon Him when I say a prayer but actually the prayer I say is just like a wishful thinking for someone that is unseen. as before praying I already had MY OWN plans. In His mercy and hard to comprehend love for me, He made my last forty days stay in the BMT unit an experience of His reality and His ever presence in my life.
For the nth time Jesus Christ called me again to “rest in Him”, and I responded the way I did before. Only this time I became aware that He had and has another invitation for me which I fail to hear before. A very soft invitation to “abide, live, dwell, endure, await, and stand firm with Him.” He opened my eyes to the truth, again my always spoken yet not heartfelt truth, that I JUST COULD NOT LIVE APART FROM HIM! I do have my choice not to, but His love for me would not stop Him from reaching me out until like a child I will fully LEARN.
In my present pain and in my present situation I am always attacked by the thought that I am an imbecile. MY human pride tempts me to feel useless to myself, my husband, kids and society. These thoughts always bring me down to melancholia. I am learning to counter it with God's words, with His command that "a man should remain in the situation where he is being called to.” In my daily reflections He always reminds me to “shield myself with faith, use His word as sword, protect my heart with His righteousness, and wore my shoes of humility.” all the time.
I don’t really know until when I will be like this. I don’t really know how He sees me to be of service to Him this way. All I know is it took Him years to polish “Joseph the dreamer” before He placed him to the fore. Joseph’s on his end just waited upon the Lord for he knew and understood completely that Jesus Christ’s way is the best way now and for always!He cheerfully served Him with the understanding that it is not the situation but the "hands" behind the situation (victory or frustration) that should be the focus of his attention!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Hibernating
Tuesday, May 18, 2010 at 10:34pm
I have tried so many times to write everything that comes into my mind but I could not organize them into something that would make sense. So unlike me rather, as my mind and my finger tips are blessed with coordination, expressing my thoughts and emotions is not a difficult task for me. It kind a scare me as I seem to lose it. I was told by my doctors that this is just one of the many “necessary evils” of all the things that I have been through for the past months. If “lucky” enough I will regain the speed of my neuronal processing shorter than three months, if not I might as well start mental exercises to at least make sure that it will return.
This is my 7th day after discharge, 48th day post transplant. Home indeed, but still away from my well longed husband and kids. The rules are: get out of the room only when necessary, wear triple mask at all times, eat in the room, change and clean everything in the room everyday, never eat uncooked or even just half cooked food, never have visitor, and most of all rest all you can. Where I am now is a miniature St. Luke’s that I don’t have to pay millions. With the help of one house help I monitor my own vital signs, clean my own chest wounds, measure my own input and output, and compute for my own daily calorie and protein intake and make sure that I take all my medications on time ( I take at least 14 kinds of medications now TID) . At this point is the reason why maybe the Lord made me what I am by profession. I don’t have to pay for a private nurse that will surely add up to our financial burden.
I think I am the most unattractive creature anybody can lay their eyes upon right now. Bald to till head skin, it’s like being waxed everyday it looks to me that my hair has no chance of growing back again and not even a single hair survived! My skin burnt to black! There is nothing that covers me that is not burnt by the chemo drugs. And because of the immune suppressants (cell cept and prednisone at high doses) that I am taking my muscles (especially my leg muscles) are wasting! Imagine Mr. Incredible? That is how my body is proportioned right now. Nothing hurts though only my pride, and I am very thankful I don’t feel weak. At this point is the reason why maybe the Lord genetically endowed me with body that has resistant fats. As my nutritionist told me, my reserved fats along with antibiotics protected me from having sepsis again during those times that I was febrile and could not eat anything. The exercise resistant fats that I used to hate so much were there for a reason.
My first three days at home was as senseless as my chaotic mind. I do not know what to do with my time. I pace around till I got tired enough to just fall asleep, read without understanding single line of what I was reading. I tried provoking myself to anger or just irritability by watching news and awaken any emotion at all. I used to get angry and stress myself out when I hear not so good news, but in my first three days home even the results of election had no effect on me. It is hard fact to accept that I think I am actually being apathetic! I felt little excitement on my way home after discharge but when I arrived here at home, the emotional “blank” returned. Indeed the forefathers of psychiatry found a great discovery when they said that when someone is subjected long enough to pain and suffering the result would be that they become “meek”. Even though they have mind of their own they lose the emotional energy to fight back. Like trained dog that would jump and pick up stick without knowing the logic. Like domestic animal that would be slaughtered also not knowing the logic of it.
I thought I already need professional help. I have been handling myself emotionally and psychologically since my diagnosis in September last year, and logic is now telling me I am no longer seeing the entire picture. Mind you I do not meet any criteria of Axis I psychiatric diagnosis but as I have said maybe I am not seeing it as I should.
A day or two ago, I just decided to pick a book. The first thing I noticed was the famous line “TO EVERYTHING THERE IS SEASON, A TIME FOR EVERY PURPOSE IN HEAVEN: A TIME TO BE BORN, AND A TIME TO DIE”. It surprised me that this line was JFK’s favourite words of wisdom, learned from the wisest man who ever walked on this earth, King Solomon himself! The King in his lowest moment (severely depressed if I am to make a diagnosis) in Ecclesiastes saw vanity in everything despite what he had and what he was capable of. For some reason it made me feel good, for even the wisest king and a great US president had been through dark times. They knew the wisdom that they could not stop bad things from happening and that many things are beyond their control despite their position and power. Only God can truly decide what will happen. Truly sun and rain comes to all and it will come on time appointed if it is line with a purpose in heaven!
At that moment great insight came to me that I am not having any psychiatric issue but rather I am in HIBERNATION. I don’t exactly know what happens emotionally to animals that hibernate but what I knew is that they have to hibernate to ensure survival from hostile environment for some time. My “apathy”, a very bad thing for psychiatrist, has to happen to make sure that my soul is empty enough to absorb new and better emotions. How will I be able to be happy again when resentment over possible lost career, lost physical beauty, lost physical strength and all loses a cancer survivor (more so a transplant patient) could ever think of will loom over me all the time? I am being thought a lot of new things right now. I am in the process of stripping myself of my learned behaviour I have been practicing for the past 37 years. I would like to consider myself asleep from my old self, to be cleansed thoroughly.
This hibernation is God’s way of protecting me from my human nature. If allowed to be out in the world where I have been prior to my leukemia, I will be eaten up again by my own need to compete, to be successful, be praised and ultimately be envied. It is my realization now that even those wants hides no logic, only good feelings. Addicting a good feeling that has driven me on the verge of real weariness without realizing it! And I now believe that this contributed heavily on my leukemia. With weariness came the worst feeling of all “envy” on other people’s good fortune. Then the cycle return, more achievement should be accomplished. I believe those times were more tiring than being on hospital bed for months and months. And God in His infinite wisdom He knows that I will put Him second or third or worst, even forget all about Him again when He let me get out of this situation easily. I am still isolated because I am not ready to face the world. After all I would not want my leukemia to amount to nothing! The experience was tragically wonderful I would not want to waste it. In my every solitude He strengthens every aspect of my being and I am just so thankful for it!
Now is my season to master the more important thing in my life, my walk in faith and full trust in Jesus, and if I still have a purpose for heaven here on earth, that time too shall come!!!
I have tried so many times to write everything that comes into my mind but I could not organize them into something that would make sense. So unlike me rather, as my mind and my finger tips are blessed with coordination, expressing my thoughts and emotions is not a difficult task for me. It kind a scare me as I seem to lose it. I was told by my doctors that this is just one of the many “necessary evils” of all the things that I have been through for the past months. If “lucky” enough I will regain the speed of my neuronal processing shorter than three months, if not I might as well start mental exercises to at least make sure that it will return.
This is my 7th day after discharge, 48th day post transplant. Home indeed, but still away from my well longed husband and kids. The rules are: get out of the room only when necessary, wear triple mask at all times, eat in the room, change and clean everything in the room everyday, never eat uncooked or even just half cooked food, never have visitor, and most of all rest all you can. Where I am now is a miniature St. Luke’s that I don’t have to pay millions. With the help of one house help I monitor my own vital signs, clean my own chest wounds, measure my own input and output, and compute for my own daily calorie and protein intake and make sure that I take all my medications on time ( I take at least 14 kinds of medications now TID) . At this point is the reason why maybe the Lord made me what I am by profession. I don’t have to pay for a private nurse that will surely add up to our financial burden.
I think I am the most unattractive creature anybody can lay their eyes upon right now. Bald to till head skin, it’s like being waxed everyday it looks to me that my hair has no chance of growing back again and not even a single hair survived! My skin burnt to black! There is nothing that covers me that is not burnt by the chemo drugs. And because of the immune suppressants (cell cept and prednisone at high doses) that I am taking my muscles (especially my leg muscles) are wasting! Imagine Mr. Incredible? That is how my body is proportioned right now. Nothing hurts though only my pride, and I am very thankful I don’t feel weak. At this point is the reason why maybe the Lord genetically endowed me with body that has resistant fats. As my nutritionist told me, my reserved fats along with antibiotics protected me from having sepsis again during those times that I was febrile and could not eat anything. The exercise resistant fats that I used to hate so much were there for a reason.
My first three days at home was as senseless as my chaotic mind. I do not know what to do with my time. I pace around till I got tired enough to just fall asleep, read without understanding single line of what I was reading. I tried provoking myself to anger or just irritability by watching news and awaken any emotion at all. I used to get angry and stress myself out when I hear not so good news, but in my first three days home even the results of election had no effect on me. It is hard fact to accept that I think I am actually being apathetic! I felt little excitement on my way home after discharge but when I arrived here at home, the emotional “blank” returned. Indeed the forefathers of psychiatry found a great discovery when they said that when someone is subjected long enough to pain and suffering the result would be that they become “meek”. Even though they have mind of their own they lose the emotional energy to fight back. Like trained dog that would jump and pick up stick without knowing the logic. Like domestic animal that would be slaughtered also not knowing the logic of it.
I thought I already need professional help. I have been handling myself emotionally and psychologically since my diagnosis in September last year, and logic is now telling me I am no longer seeing the entire picture. Mind you I do not meet any criteria of Axis I psychiatric diagnosis but as I have said maybe I am not seeing it as I should.
A day or two ago, I just decided to pick a book. The first thing I noticed was the famous line “TO EVERYTHING THERE IS SEASON, A TIME FOR EVERY PURPOSE IN HEAVEN: A TIME TO BE BORN, AND A TIME TO DIE”. It surprised me that this line was JFK’s favourite words of wisdom, learned from the wisest man who ever walked on this earth, King Solomon himself! The King in his lowest moment (severely depressed if I am to make a diagnosis) in Ecclesiastes saw vanity in everything despite what he had and what he was capable of. For some reason it made me feel good, for even the wisest king and a great US president had been through dark times. They knew the wisdom that they could not stop bad things from happening and that many things are beyond their control despite their position and power. Only God can truly decide what will happen. Truly sun and rain comes to all and it will come on time appointed if it is line with a purpose in heaven!
At that moment great insight came to me that I am not having any psychiatric issue but rather I am in HIBERNATION. I don’t exactly know what happens emotionally to animals that hibernate but what I knew is that they have to hibernate to ensure survival from hostile environment for some time. My “apathy”, a very bad thing for psychiatrist, has to happen to make sure that my soul is empty enough to absorb new and better emotions. How will I be able to be happy again when resentment over possible lost career, lost physical beauty, lost physical strength and all loses a cancer survivor (more so a transplant patient) could ever think of will loom over me all the time? I am being thought a lot of new things right now. I am in the process of stripping myself of my learned behaviour I have been practicing for the past 37 years. I would like to consider myself asleep from my old self, to be cleansed thoroughly.
This hibernation is God’s way of protecting me from my human nature. If allowed to be out in the world where I have been prior to my leukemia, I will be eaten up again by my own need to compete, to be successful, be praised and ultimately be envied. It is my realization now that even those wants hides no logic, only good feelings. Addicting a good feeling that has driven me on the verge of real weariness without realizing it! And I now believe that this contributed heavily on my leukemia. With weariness came the worst feeling of all “envy” on other people’s good fortune. Then the cycle return, more achievement should be accomplished. I believe those times were more tiring than being on hospital bed for months and months. And God in His infinite wisdom He knows that I will put Him second or third or worst, even forget all about Him again when He let me get out of this situation easily. I am still isolated because I am not ready to face the world. After all I would not want my leukemia to amount to nothing! The experience was tragically wonderful I would not want to waste it. In my every solitude He strengthens every aspect of my being and I am just so thankful for it!
Now is my season to master the more important thing in my life, my walk in faith and full trust in Jesus, and if I still have a purpose for heaven here on earth, that time too shall come!!!
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