"my charm" was crying

i called up my kids this morning to see if everything was ready as my two older kids will travel tonight to see me on my birthday this week end.

i had resolved that i will try my best to never be sad and worried as this strong emotions are really vital in making my laboratory go from bad to worse. but as hear my second son crying i just could not help it. the maternal instinct in me just turned its light on and i could not put it off anymore. i hear him cry as he really believes in his heart and his mind that he would not be be able to come and see me.I do not really know what transpired but he was being threatened that he will not be brought here to see me as a punishment for crying. hearing it WAS JUST AS TORTURE FOR ME AS IT WAS FOR HIM. i know the care givers that they have now meant well even if the method is against my standards. my children are not used to threats, it drives them nuts!they take physical pain better than emotional and psychological ones especially those that pertains to me or their loss of me.my heart just shouts pain at this very moment, is it normal? can anyone relate? i know the one who takes of them loves them as much, that is what I want to believe in my heart.

are these my fault? will they take this against me when they grow older? will they ask where was i when they feel heavy in their chest? I COULD NOT PROTECT THEM FOREVER OR CAN I? what they are going through right now on other people's hands has to pass. they have to learn how to adjust to others and to protect themselves, i just pray dearly that the effect will be positive and will not be the root of a disturbed mind when they grow older.I could bear the thought, they are so young! my pain is killing me. my heart just shouts pain at this very moment, is it normal? can anyone relate? i know the one who takes of them loves them as much, that is what I want to believe in my heart.

God help me now, i want to get out of this sickness and take care of my own children at this very important age. what test is this? I'm being "pressed on all sides" and I do not know how much more I could take.