I feel like I am in “de- ja- vu”. I had this same experience during my first cycle of chemotherapy, only now, the “roasting” is a lot worst than before. I feel like I am under the desert sun without clothes on. My finger tips are almost numb now because of the pain it had been through for days. I am at “rest” from the chemo drug today because tomorrow, my one and only loving sister, will do her unselfish act of giving me her “bone marrow”.
Emotionally I don’t know how I am. I guess it is pretty much of a “de-ja-vu” also. I remember the mixed feelings I had back then as memory of my husband making a lot of calls, drafting several appeal letters, going to and from my office as he started to look for the four point two million I needed. Many people indeed responded! His phone never stopped ringing, internet messages flocked with so many promises of help and encouragement. It seemed like everyone was suddenly awakened with enthusiasm to do this and that project to be able to help us financially. These people giving us hope really gave us encouragement. Each time my husband and I talked, his smile became brighter and brighter as he would relate to me how this and that person responded positively to his appeal. I finally gave up wallowing and gave in to the same hope that my disease was not a death sentence but just another sea to cross together as man and wife. A test if love will still be there when attraction and other tangible and physical aspects are removed.
December came, my transplant schedule was given but for some reason it did not push through. My husband gave me several reasons for the delay but assured me that it was not for financial reasons. The delay was horrific! Leukemia cells are one of the fastest growing cancer cells ever known thus my fate was literally just a fate. The pain from a weekly bone marrow aspirate became part of my strictly limited activity. But I did not mind the pain knowing I will be able to see and interact with someone else in the hospital. A pleasure I did not know til then. The bone marrow aspirate has to be done to monitor the leukemic cells. It was eerie and so so sad when the aspirate result came bad again in late December. It was new years eve, I have to be on chemo drugs, away from home and my three little precious ones. Will this be my last new year? But I have to be a “steel” in all of these.
Steel is not the hardest metal on earth! Knowing the truth of the reason why my transplant was being delayed was FINANCIAL brought me in agony of doubt and despair. Where were the people who promised? It was just two months prior when they were all over us! My good husband who was the bare witness of my physical and emotional difficulty saved me from some more by keeping from me the fact that we could not even pay for the down payment yet. But as I have said, the ordeal is for both of us and I will not be protected from reality. It was in mid January when I learned of the fact. My “marine” Major husband, stripped off with rank, has to line up in different institution to ask for financial assistance so as to keep the mother of his children alive even for a year or five. It was not flattering, I felt his humiliation and it cut me deeply. The hurt was too much I started asking myself “am I asking so much from him? Am I being selfish?” If I die right there and then it would be easier for him and the children. He would not experience the unkind and unnecessary words from different office secretary or personnel. He would not hear the doubting words of “mistah’s” whom he thought knew how important dignity for him is, that he was doing this to raise money for personal use. It just hurts more than too much to see your respected husband devaluated for your sake. But his answer to me was simply “ in sickness and health” and it was enough for me.
Frustration was all he has on the people behind the offices whom he thought could help him but barely extended help. Despite this, he still saw himself favored as several other people line up in the same offices the whole day for their meager 1 thousand pesos, while he gets at least five thousand pesos.
Our faith has been tested. Now it’s time to learn about God’s timing. The Orchestrator of all things would not simply let go of what He started. Another schedule was given and this time no barrier should stop it otherwise transplant would be futile. Everyday for the succeeding days he meet a lot of unexpected people used by God to guide his way. People in the military most of them have been through a lot and survived also, the real friends that we had and people we barely know were the ones touched by the Lord to contribute in finding the two million down payment. The PDI story published in God’s time (February 14, 2010) was one of our gateway also. It was so amazing that people would respond to such an appeal. I did not know how, but I believe it is these people’s own walk with the Lord that made them commit. Who in the world would just give someone a hundred thousand pesos and would not have their names given?! All I can say is that the faith of my husband must not be ignored in this turn of the event. The same faith I am learning as I stay alone in my 17 degree temp room at St. Luke’s hospital.
We are still ¼ away from completing our road to four million. And just like any other roads we expect twist and turns and crossroads along the way. Along with each turn comes our emotional response to each of the event. With prayer we hope for the right responses on everything at all times.
“Thus far the Lord has helped us” 1 Samuel 7:12.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
From the Inside
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 at 6:11pm
Finally I am now admitted at the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit of St. Luke's Medical Center. The agony of waiting is now being paid with a reward.
Alone in the room, I had the glimpse of the day I received the worst news in my life. In retrospect, that day was not all bad news after all. The hope that I might have a chance to surpass the "usual six months" of a leukemia patient was given to us when our hematologist told us about the life saving procedure called "Bone Marrow Transplant". Our hematologist from Baguio said that the procedure that costs "about 4" has been done successfully here at SLMC. I asked her "Dr. 4? you mean 4 hundred thousand?" Her reply was " no no no. It's 4 MILLION pesos!" . . . .I felt like a child whose chocolate has been taken away!
I did not know who cried harder, me or my husband. Even if we both cash advance our salary until our 100 years service we will never be able to get hold of that amount. The amount was just too impossible for us to raise. We did not know how to react, we both just sat down hugging each other from time to time. In my mind I was already preparing what to say to the children, how to say it without compromising their psychological milieu. "Murag gakumoton ang akong kasing kasing!" How will you tell a 6,5 and 1 year old that you will be gone forever?! Sleep did not visit me that night, as I realized I spent very little time with my children being in the hospital always. I felt sorry for them and angry with myself for not having the foresight that death could come to anyone and "age does not matter". I have accepted the fact that indeed I will be one of the many victims of leukemia. That my children will be like one of those insecure children that takes therapy session with me. I could never tell how painful it was!
We wallowed in our loneliness for days. I could see the pain in my husbands eyes. I know he wanted to appease me but he couldn't as he himself needs to be appeased. We were both hurting so much for our children we did not know how to go about it. I wanted to console him but I don't know how. I wanted to tell him I will be okay but then I would be lying. It was like getting caught in a maze, there is no way out for us. . . the prize was 4 MILLION PESOS.
My husband and I, we both believe that life is mastered by a Supreme Being who bless man's endeavor if it is in line with His perfect plan. Stephen who have been in many battles went above his weeping and just said "in a battle as long as the officer is still alive there is always hope that the troop will win." I wanted to believe him that time, but his high hopes was not contagious enough to uplift me. 4 MILLION PESOS WAS STILL 4 MILLION PESOS, nothing can reduce the price that I literally have to pay to save my life.
I am tired now! More to come tomorrow after O.R. if the Hickman catheter that will be placed in my chest will not hurt that bad. Tomorrow is officially my first day, today was just for my laboratories. Platelet is being prepared to be transfused for me as my platelet now is only 95.
Finally I am now admitted at the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit of St. Luke's Medical Center. The agony of waiting is now being paid with a reward.
Alone in the room, I had the glimpse of the day I received the worst news in my life. In retrospect, that day was not all bad news after all. The hope that I might have a chance to surpass the "usual six months" of a leukemia patient was given to us when our hematologist told us about the life saving procedure called "Bone Marrow Transplant". Our hematologist from Baguio said that the procedure that costs "about 4" has been done successfully here at SLMC. I asked her "Dr. 4? you mean 4 hundred thousand?" Her reply was " no no no. It's 4 MILLION pesos!" . . . .I felt like a child whose chocolate has been taken away!
I did not know who cried harder, me or my husband. Even if we both cash advance our salary until our 100 years service we will never be able to get hold of that amount. The amount was just too impossible for us to raise. We did not know how to react, we both just sat down hugging each other from time to time. In my mind I was already preparing what to say to the children, how to say it without compromising their psychological milieu. "Murag gakumoton ang akong kasing kasing!" How will you tell a 6,5 and 1 year old that you will be gone forever?! Sleep did not visit me that night, as I realized I spent very little time with my children being in the hospital always. I felt sorry for them and angry with myself for not having the foresight that death could come to anyone and "age does not matter". I have accepted the fact that indeed I will be one of the many victims of leukemia. That my children will be like one of those insecure children that takes therapy session with me. I could never tell how painful it was!
We wallowed in our loneliness for days. I could see the pain in my husbands eyes. I know he wanted to appease me but he couldn't as he himself needs to be appeased. We were both hurting so much for our children we did not know how to go about it. I wanted to console him but I don't know how. I wanted to tell him I will be okay but then I would be lying. It was like getting caught in a maze, there is no way out for us. . . the prize was 4 MILLION PESOS.
My husband and I, we both believe that life is mastered by a Supreme Being who bless man's endeavor if it is in line with His perfect plan. Stephen who have been in many battles went above his weeping and just said "in a battle as long as the officer is still alive there is always hope that the troop will win." I wanted to believe him that time, but his high hopes was not contagious enough to uplift me. 4 MILLION PESOS WAS STILL 4 MILLION PESOS, nothing can reduce the price that I literally have to pay to save my life.
I am tired now! More to come tomorrow after O.R. if the Hickman catheter that will be placed in my chest will not hurt that bad. Tomorrow is officially my first day, today was just for my laboratories. Platelet is being prepared to be transfused for me as my platelet now is only 95.
Its My Time Now
Tuesday, March 16, 2010 at 3:10pm
Since the day that I was sentenced to live my life differently, it has been my husband who corresponded to friends and acquaintances in my behalf. Very much like a Press Relation Officer he accounted every detail of what was going on. I thought he was indeed talking about me. But as I try to profile all the writings he did, from the appeals up to the one published in the PDI, I realized that the only thing about me there was the sickness. Every single letter he wrote was his experience and not mine. I am writing this because I believe that those who walked with us in this journey deserved to benefit from my experience.
I am in my last few months of Residency Training in Psychiatry. I already had my plans of going back to CDO, in fact I already talked to the lone psychiatrist there and he already told me that he would fix everything so that once I got there I would not have difficulty in finding client/patients. The cash register in my mind would no longer stop computing the amount I would get out of it. My husband and I thought that this is it! The Lord was finally blessing us and giving us our hearts desire.
When everything was just a grasp away, it was snatched! I was told that I have an Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. My hematologist congratulated me for not breaking down in front of her, she even acknowledged my being a psychiatrist as a BIG help in my dignified acceptance of my fate. That line was a joke as until now if i recall that judgment day I still have the feeling of wanting to crawl back in my mother's womb to be born again so that I could take a different path. It was that hard to accept!
The biggest question that filled my mind in the 47 days that I stayed in the hospital was "why now?" Why not when I was still single when I don't have a husband and children to think about. Why not when I did not have a clear path to take in terms of my career. Why wait until I am about to reap the fruits of my labor in my career. This questions shook my faith! I did not want to go on anymore because it will be useless to go against God's wishes. I lost the faith that He would want me to succeed in this lifetime. I blocked all communication to others by not accepting visitors, changing my sim and just allowing my husband to deal with everything and everyone. I felt bitter and angry and envious of my fellow graduating residents who are making their rounds on their last few months of training. I should have been like that!
Two or three of our close friends asked in the text "di ba malakas kayo mag dasal?". This statement toppled my already shaking faith. I succumbed to depression specially upon seeing myself ripped off with physical prowess. Bald and weak, unable to do the simple task of going to the bathroom I could not imagine anything worse than that. I got tired of fighting the torturing effects of the chemo drugs my body gave in to sepsis. I was always staring blankly and only the voices of my children could make me come back into the room.
My body was resting during my septic days (I could not feel anything anymore) but my mind was full of "memories". So many things that happened in the past good and bad crossed my mind just floating here and there. So many of them but worth mentioning was my recall of the time when my husband and I prayed to the Lord for water as it has been week that our quarters had no water. Our money then was only a hundred peso as we had water delivery thrice that week. That night the rain poured and three drums were filled with water. I was expecting that the Lord's answer to our prayer was someone would lend or give us money so water can be delivered. But we did not received any money. What He gave us was what we prayed for WATER! The Lord's way is just different from our way.
Considering the mortality rate of sepsis, I did not die! The sepsis was God's miracle! It was His way of telling me that I am more than blessed. He showed me that He had already surrounded me with the things I needed to surpass the test He is giving me right now. He gave me a husband who lives up to the meaning of his name Stephen (God's martyr). My husband had never left my side from day one up to now not minding what will happen to the career he dearly loved. He blessed me with children so sweet they gave me reason to live.
As to the question why now? If my disease happened before I would not have a husband who would be the channel to produce the enormous amount of 4.2M. If my disease happened when i did not have my Bitoy, Balot and Bilog yet, I would not brave the pains of chemotherapy that feels like a torture. There is nothing a mother would not do for her children, even to bargain with the Lord for more years and set aside the possibility that it was already God's appointed time. It also happened now as the last part of my training in psychiatry. The good Lord has made me experience how it is to be a patient so that I could empathize better with my patients.
The Lord has given me a lot! He has walked with me the entire time. I thought I was also walking with Him. I have to have a Leukemia so that I would walk with Him closer. . .
I will be posting more notes as tomorrow I will be admitted already for the bone marrow transplant. It is a month long procedure that I plan to share with everyone.
Since the day that I was sentenced to live my life differently, it has been my husband who corresponded to friends and acquaintances in my behalf. Very much like a Press Relation Officer he accounted every detail of what was going on. I thought he was indeed talking about me. But as I try to profile all the writings he did, from the appeals up to the one published in the PDI, I realized that the only thing about me there was the sickness. Every single letter he wrote was his experience and not mine. I am writing this because I believe that those who walked with us in this journey deserved to benefit from my experience.
I am in my last few months of Residency Training in Psychiatry. I already had my plans of going back to CDO, in fact I already talked to the lone psychiatrist there and he already told me that he would fix everything so that once I got there I would not have difficulty in finding client/patients. The cash register in my mind would no longer stop computing the amount I would get out of it. My husband and I thought that this is it! The Lord was finally blessing us and giving us our hearts desire.
When everything was just a grasp away, it was snatched! I was told that I have an Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. My hematologist congratulated me for not breaking down in front of her, she even acknowledged my being a psychiatrist as a BIG help in my dignified acceptance of my fate. That line was a joke as until now if i recall that judgment day I still have the feeling of wanting to crawl back in my mother's womb to be born again so that I could take a different path. It was that hard to accept!
The biggest question that filled my mind in the 47 days that I stayed in the hospital was "why now?" Why not when I was still single when I don't have a husband and children to think about. Why not when I did not have a clear path to take in terms of my career. Why wait until I am about to reap the fruits of my labor in my career. This questions shook my faith! I did not want to go on anymore because it will be useless to go against God's wishes. I lost the faith that He would want me to succeed in this lifetime. I blocked all communication to others by not accepting visitors, changing my sim and just allowing my husband to deal with everything and everyone. I felt bitter and angry and envious of my fellow graduating residents who are making their rounds on their last few months of training. I should have been like that!
Two or three of our close friends asked in the text "di ba malakas kayo mag dasal?". This statement toppled my already shaking faith. I succumbed to depression specially upon seeing myself ripped off with physical prowess. Bald and weak, unable to do the simple task of going to the bathroom I could not imagine anything worse than that. I got tired of fighting the torturing effects of the chemo drugs my body gave in to sepsis. I was always staring blankly and only the voices of my children could make me come back into the room.
My body was resting during my septic days (I could not feel anything anymore) but my mind was full of "memories". So many things that happened in the past good and bad crossed my mind just floating here and there. So many of them but worth mentioning was my recall of the time when my husband and I prayed to the Lord for water as it has been week that our quarters had no water. Our money then was only a hundred peso as we had water delivery thrice that week. That night the rain poured and three drums were filled with water. I was expecting that the Lord's answer to our prayer was someone would lend or give us money so water can be delivered. But we did not received any money. What He gave us was what we prayed for WATER! The Lord's way is just different from our way.
Considering the mortality rate of sepsis, I did not die! The sepsis was God's miracle! It was His way of telling me that I am more than blessed. He showed me that He had already surrounded me with the things I needed to surpass the test He is giving me right now. He gave me a husband who lives up to the meaning of his name Stephen (God's martyr). My husband had never left my side from day one up to now not minding what will happen to the career he dearly loved. He blessed me with children so sweet they gave me reason to live.
As to the question why now? If my disease happened before I would not have a husband who would be the channel to produce the enormous amount of 4.2M. If my disease happened when i did not have my Bitoy, Balot and Bilog yet, I would not brave the pains of chemotherapy that feels like a torture. There is nothing a mother would not do for her children, even to bargain with the Lord for more years and set aside the possibility that it was already God's appointed time. It also happened now as the last part of my training in psychiatry. The good Lord has made me experience how it is to be a patient so that I could empathize better with my patients.
The Lord has given me a lot! He has walked with me the entire time. I thought I was also walking with Him. I have to have a Leukemia so that I would walk with Him closer. . .
I will be posting more notes as tomorrow I will be admitted already for the bone marrow transplant. It is a month long procedure that I plan to share with everyone.
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