When All are Gone...
July 28, 2010 Tuesday at 7:22am
I am reluctant to make any kind of “updates” the past few days as putting my mind into words seems to be a hard “task” for me these days. It must be the long term effects of my medication that is slowing my neurons down, as I have been on these drugs for almost four months now. Good thing that two of them were already withdrawn and one is being tapered as my laboratories (except my liver profile) are almost normal. The plan is to have most of my medication removed before the end of August as these drugs can cause potential harm when used for prolonged period. Potential danger that includes recurrence of leukaemia, damage to other organs and myriads of changes in me physically, mentally and emotionally.
I am now in the period of re adjusting myself to “normal” and I am starting with my youngest son who, among my three sons, was the most deprived in terms of time spent with me. Something indescribable beats in my heart whenever I try to lift him up but could not sustain for even five minutes. I can see in his eyes that he is as frustrated as I am not to be cuddled longer. I could not explain to him (he is only 19 months old) that my spine hurts real badly whenever I lift him up and try to play with him. The painful reality is not only that I could not play with him at his present age, but the fact that my physical ability may never return to me anymore. Every move I make is done in slow motion. It is as if my muscle had acquired a “mind” of its own, it controls the pacing of physical activity. Even brushing my teeth and writing is an effort as my fingers would go into clonuses if forced to do work. If I walk fast my calf muscle will suddenly contract itself painfully as if to remind me I am doing things very fast, that I am not calm, and that I am not fully resting. Is this God’s way of fulfilling His word to me that “I will give you rest”? If I will be able to come into terms with this truth, the answer will be yes it is. My corporeal being is in the twilight of acceptance and struggle to regain complete control of my physical being. I find it hard to accept that at my age I have to slow things down already, that I will never be able to beat the day by accomplishing more than its number of hours. Being in a predicament beyond my control, I will have to come to terms with Him who is all knowing. For reasons He only knew I am physically remoulded. “MY OWN” strength is gone, and I am left with “SERENITY”! “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)
Organizing thoughts and putting them into words is one of the things I can do easily. It comes naturally for me that I never thought it can be “taken” away from me by anything, not even this sickness. The thought that I still have my mental faculty in its full capacity made my acceptance of my physical limitation a lot easier. Since I was confined, I do nothing but read, write, update myself on things both important and not. All these done to make sure that the seat of my human knowledge will not be affected by both the sickness and medicines. To my dismay, I guess this once unappreciated gift will not be spared. I feel it is being taken away too as collecting and collating thoughts for me these days is an effort. I struggle and refuse to let go as I have to be the master of “MY OWN THOUGHTS”. My words should be chosen by my own brain, nothing should be spontaneous, and everything should be consciously picked so it will have an impact on those who are reached. Shamefully I use the name of my Deity but in my heart hidden the boasting that they are my words therefore my credit. In His great plan for me though, He needs to take away and remould even my human knowledge. Just like my body, my brain now is tired of struggling. I have come to terms with the fact of its limitations. HIS great purpose has to be revealed in HIS own words, not mine. The credit had to be HIS, not mine. I can never be wise or intelligent unless He feeds me with it, my effort to be one only lead to my unrest. “MY OWN” knowledge is gone, and I am left with “WISDOM”! “I am determined to be wise – but this was beyond me” (Ecclesiastes 7:23)
Too caught up in my emotional web since I got sick, I feel nothing but pity upon myself. Day after day I have to convince myself that I am alright, I am blessed, and that it is with reason that my life’s potential is cut off at its midst. With my training I have succeeded in counteracting this self pity for almost a year now. I smile in the face of nothingness, I blabber in the midst of uncertainty, and I even entertain others with my seemingly hopeless situation. I was able to solidly convince myself that I will survive the emotional turmoil brought by my illness by being emotionally well balanced. I focused myself on myself alone, never looking at the periphery lest my balanced will be toppling down. Two or three fellow patients attempted to talk to me, some non cancer patients tried reaching out for me but I ignored them all. I am in too much pain I cannot allow other people’s pain to add up otherwise my balance will be disturbed and I may not survive even for a second. I labour to achieve positive outlook let them find way to heal themselves too. I have built a strong bricks around my heart I am emotionally intangible. Always on my guard to keep the bricks on hold, I am starting to tire. Lately I am starting to become irrationally “emotional” over a lot of co patients during my checkups at the BMT OPD. As if my eyes were opened, I starting to them in a different angle and I could not make myself see their pain objectively. To the very young cancer patients I feel that they are more deprived than I am. To the older ones I feel their struggle to hold on to what little time they have. To some who just been diagnosed, I sympathize with their hardship and struggle in accepting what had hit them. They are all pain, pain that I used to experience yet deny. Spontaneously and unknown to me, my guard for self preservation is out of my hands; I had allowed myself to be lost in other peoples pain. My heart not only bleeds for my fellow cancer patients but on others also who clearly manifests heavy loads that maybe unknown to them. These people are all just like me, strong people who knew how to manipulate perfectly their emotions into their advantage therefore thinks that contentment is at hand. Unconsciously though the shout for search for something more quenching is clearly manifested in the manner they send their emails. When I am conscious and lost in other people’s pain, when “MY OWN” emotional sense of stability is gone, I am left with “CONFIDENCE”. Confidence in Jesus Christ that HE is working in my life here on earth to secure my eternity by being a channel of HIS love for everyone. “The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave HIMSELF for me” (Galatians 2:20).
The changes and still ongoing changes in me are not easy as it involves first and foremost HUMILITY. The acceptance that I now exist with so much limitation requires utmost humility and obedience. Limitations on the matters I used to enjoy so much (seeing my patients which took up 80% of my time, going out with friends, playing badminton) but also take up so much of my time I disregard the more important ones (I spend less than 5% with my children). As they say “All are permissible, but not all are beneficial”. I thank the Lord for stirring the course of life to what is beneficial, and with gladness I accept the PEACE that comes along with it!
The remoulding that has been done and still being done entails PATIENCE! I thought I could not stand the wait, and that so much more will be asked. Then when I stopped struggling I realized in fact that it was easy for it only requires keeping a still and quiet heart. I thank the Lord for teaching me the discipline of quietness, and with gladness I accept the PEACE that comes along with it!
Like a larva ready to metamorphose into a beautiful butterfly, I am coming out soon! To enjoy God’s gifts that are vital and beneficial for my existence, and to radiate to many people the LOVE and COMPASSION of GOD through CHRIST JESUS!
WHEN ALL ARE GONE, I AM PARADOXICALLY FULLER THAN I USED TO BE!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Need for LOVE . . .
Saturday, June 19, 2010 at 6:14am
At the onset of my illness a very good friend of mine sympathized with me. I felt her deep sadness along with a question that until now still lingers in my mind. After all the kind and encouraging words she uttered, she also asked me, “I just wonder why this has happened to you when both you and Stephen were very prayerful, Godly couple?” The question offended me that time, but as I realized that the question was more for herself than mine, I felt great woe for her.
That feeling of woe to my friend made me ask myself what kind of life was I showing others back then. Surely after I have received Jesus Christ in my life years before my sickness I made it a point to do my part in making Him seen in all my endeavours. In all my struggles I call upon Him, in blessings after blessings I give thanks to Him. I never fail to mention Him to people each they come for non therapeutic advice. I thought that I was already doing what God wants me to do for Him in my everyday living.
Looking back, I can say I have been up and down my own little hills in life. I always get to the peaks of these hills. Down on my knees throughout med school especially during board exams I was able to make it despite financial difficulty. I remember I used to just feel so much for my batch mates who had the capacity to waste their time and money in med school while I have to stern, work double time, and never really enjoyed the days. I know I had scarred many hearts back then as they perceived me as someone hard to approach and never easy to get along with. Little did they know that the “id” behind my facade is envy of their good and comfortable life. I have compensated this need (envy) by “not being one of them” all the more. I have placed myself in solitude, seeking and searching why my heart is always in turmoil. I pray, I get calmed but like opium my prayer does not last very long. My mind is right but I always feel that my heart is always wrong as it was never at peace, and I did not see the reason why for I was making it better than the others.
My marriage to my husband is the highest hill peak I had reached. He made me more anchored to God, made me more at peace with myself, made me more confident with myself. It was a relief finding someone who would take you as you are. I don’t have to be brainy (my strongest defence from all my inadequacy) with him all the time. But our union was not at the peak all the time. In fact, it was about to go downhill early on as it was tested by infidelity early at its stage. Took me years to forgive, and until now I still remember the pain of the worst thing anyone can do to someone, betrayal! My love for him never allowed me to tell anyone about it so I suffered alone not wanting to destroy his image of a God fearing person. It was a good thing that truly he is a God fearing person, and that situation was just a one event. Through prayers God did not allow my pride and pain to destroy us. The Lord won the battle that I thought I could never make.
I chose psychiatry as medical specialty perhaps to help myself on the first place. One school of thought psychiatrist believes is that “ones behaviour is determined by her “id”. As “id” is that part of the mind that is always for pleasure, comfort and release I may have been in the field because I wanted to find the peace I have been looking for everywhere. For even when my mind is right, I feel that there is something wrong in my heart. I did find myself, knowing my own psychodynamics and all and it gave me peace at the beginning. Knowing me though was not the answer. The jungle I was into still ate me up and made me more a monster. Competing with others is my worst weakness. I always have this need to prove my supremacy over others. I do a lot of extra reading, extra work, extra of everything and I shout it to the world. I needed to be appreciated! Although it was part of my psychodynamics I just did know how to treat it. I am stressed and just plain tired but could not stop. My “id” was just too powerful than my “ego” and “super ego” combined. In my inner struggles I keep working for the Lord through lip service, showing that I am Christian in my walk in life but deep inside, God as my opium just did not work anymore. My personal relationship with Christ, which is the only thing He requires of me, was no longer there.
Now my friend’s question struck me as very valid and relevant to all that has happened and happening. How come my sunny life been gloomed with thundering rain despite my struggle to be in allegiance to the Supreme Being. It was after all an utmost effort to show His presence in my life despite not feeling Him, thus it deserve good blessing instead of sickness. “God sees through the heart”! “He is all knowing” and “there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing that can be hidden from HIM”. “He knows my every thought, he knows the deepest part of my heart and He knows MY EVERY NEED!” He saw my struggle, He perceived the tiredness of my heart and He saw my need for rest. The unrest in my soul is His reason for placing me in my present SITUATION. He wanted to tell me that I am more important than what I do. My happiness and my comfort are more important than my need to be appreciated by others. He wanted to tell me that I have no idea who He is and my perspective of Him is far from the truth I know. In my present solitude He wanted to tell me of my NEED FOR LOVE.
LOVE a very powerful emotion that can both build and destroy. Even the biblical definition of love is so hard to achieve as it is a perfect manifestation of something that seemed to be just a concept. “Love is patient and kind.” the book of life says. “Love does not envy, it does not boast, and it is not proud.” “Love is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no records of wrongs.” I could “act out” this definition of love but I find it difficult to feel. I am exactly the opposite of all of these therefore it is so difficult for me. Is he giving me something difficult to achieve? Something that would make me crawl on my knees just to perform? Is He making my life more miserable? Of course not! As He opens my eyes in my daily reflection, it dawned on me that the LOVE that I NEEDED is not the emotional one. Ii is Jesus Christ Himself. He is the perfect manifestation of love, He turn the concept of LOVE to reality. He is kind, patient, not rude, not easily angered, and KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONG! I can love easily if I walk with the source of love Himself. Such a beautiful realization of Him it touches the core of my heart! I find it hard to love because I never have or I never allowed the SOURCE of love Himself to dwell (and I to dwell in Him) in me completely.
As I go back to my friend’s question which I perceive as tantamount to asking “Is my sickness a punishment?” I believe that punishment is not of this lifetime! In fact this lifetime is meant for pure happiness and comfort for I believe this is glimpse of what is to come. He meant for me to enjoy every good thing that He had ever made to give me an idea how much better it is in the next. This sickness is just His just one of those reminders He already had made me experience before. So many times He had worked in my life but I have never yielded. He had no other way now but to break me completely, reminding me that my “days here on earth is numbered” and that “my life is in His hands”. Done out of LOVE, He is now in my everyday isolation, gently moulding and remoulding me into better person.
My sunshine will come out soon and I am looking forward to what He has in store for me. This time my hope is that my life will not be like a “clanging cymbal” or a “resounding gong” as I learn to LOVE in His perspective. I hope to reflect, without effort or struggle, that a personal relationship with God, my walk with LOVE Himself is the only thing required.
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of this is LOVE.” (1Cor.13:13)
At the onset of my illness a very good friend of mine sympathized with me. I felt her deep sadness along with a question that until now still lingers in my mind. After all the kind and encouraging words she uttered, she also asked me, “I just wonder why this has happened to you when both you and Stephen were very prayerful, Godly couple?” The question offended me that time, but as I realized that the question was more for herself than mine, I felt great woe for her.
That feeling of woe to my friend made me ask myself what kind of life was I showing others back then. Surely after I have received Jesus Christ in my life years before my sickness I made it a point to do my part in making Him seen in all my endeavours. In all my struggles I call upon Him, in blessings after blessings I give thanks to Him. I never fail to mention Him to people each they come for non therapeutic advice. I thought that I was already doing what God wants me to do for Him in my everyday living.
Looking back, I can say I have been up and down my own little hills in life. I always get to the peaks of these hills. Down on my knees throughout med school especially during board exams I was able to make it despite financial difficulty. I remember I used to just feel so much for my batch mates who had the capacity to waste their time and money in med school while I have to stern, work double time, and never really enjoyed the days. I know I had scarred many hearts back then as they perceived me as someone hard to approach and never easy to get along with. Little did they know that the “id” behind my facade is envy of their good and comfortable life. I have compensated this need (envy) by “not being one of them” all the more. I have placed myself in solitude, seeking and searching why my heart is always in turmoil. I pray, I get calmed but like opium my prayer does not last very long. My mind is right but I always feel that my heart is always wrong as it was never at peace, and I did not see the reason why for I was making it better than the others.
My marriage to my husband is the highest hill peak I had reached. He made me more anchored to God, made me more at peace with myself, made me more confident with myself. It was a relief finding someone who would take you as you are. I don’t have to be brainy (my strongest defence from all my inadequacy) with him all the time. But our union was not at the peak all the time. In fact, it was about to go downhill early on as it was tested by infidelity early at its stage. Took me years to forgive, and until now I still remember the pain of the worst thing anyone can do to someone, betrayal! My love for him never allowed me to tell anyone about it so I suffered alone not wanting to destroy his image of a God fearing person. It was a good thing that truly he is a God fearing person, and that situation was just a one event. Through prayers God did not allow my pride and pain to destroy us. The Lord won the battle that I thought I could never make.
I chose psychiatry as medical specialty perhaps to help myself on the first place. One school of thought psychiatrist believes is that “ones behaviour is determined by her “id”. As “id” is that part of the mind that is always for pleasure, comfort and release I may have been in the field because I wanted to find the peace I have been looking for everywhere. For even when my mind is right, I feel that there is something wrong in my heart. I did find myself, knowing my own psychodynamics and all and it gave me peace at the beginning. Knowing me though was not the answer. The jungle I was into still ate me up and made me more a monster. Competing with others is my worst weakness. I always have this need to prove my supremacy over others. I do a lot of extra reading, extra work, extra of everything and I shout it to the world. I needed to be appreciated! Although it was part of my psychodynamics I just did know how to treat it. I am stressed and just plain tired but could not stop. My “id” was just too powerful than my “ego” and “super ego” combined. In my inner struggles I keep working for the Lord through lip service, showing that I am Christian in my walk in life but deep inside, God as my opium just did not work anymore. My personal relationship with Christ, which is the only thing He requires of me, was no longer there.
Now my friend’s question struck me as very valid and relevant to all that has happened and happening. How come my sunny life been gloomed with thundering rain despite my struggle to be in allegiance to the Supreme Being. It was after all an utmost effort to show His presence in my life despite not feeling Him, thus it deserve good blessing instead of sickness. “God sees through the heart”! “He is all knowing” and “there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing that can be hidden from HIM”. “He knows my every thought, he knows the deepest part of my heart and He knows MY EVERY NEED!” He saw my struggle, He perceived the tiredness of my heart and He saw my need for rest. The unrest in my soul is His reason for placing me in my present SITUATION. He wanted to tell me that I am more important than what I do. My happiness and my comfort are more important than my need to be appreciated by others. He wanted to tell me that I have no idea who He is and my perspective of Him is far from the truth I know. In my present solitude He wanted to tell me of my NEED FOR LOVE.
LOVE a very powerful emotion that can both build and destroy. Even the biblical definition of love is so hard to achieve as it is a perfect manifestation of something that seemed to be just a concept. “Love is patient and kind.” the book of life says. “Love does not envy, it does not boast, and it is not proud.” “Love is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no records of wrongs.” I could “act out” this definition of love but I find it difficult to feel. I am exactly the opposite of all of these therefore it is so difficult for me. Is he giving me something difficult to achieve? Something that would make me crawl on my knees just to perform? Is He making my life more miserable? Of course not! As He opens my eyes in my daily reflection, it dawned on me that the LOVE that I NEEDED is not the emotional one. Ii is Jesus Christ Himself. He is the perfect manifestation of love, He turn the concept of LOVE to reality. He is kind, patient, not rude, not easily angered, and KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONG! I can love easily if I walk with the source of love Himself. Such a beautiful realization of Him it touches the core of my heart! I find it hard to love because I never have or I never allowed the SOURCE of love Himself to dwell (and I to dwell in Him) in me completely.
As I go back to my friend’s question which I perceive as tantamount to asking “Is my sickness a punishment?” I believe that punishment is not of this lifetime! In fact this lifetime is meant for pure happiness and comfort for I believe this is glimpse of what is to come. He meant for me to enjoy every good thing that He had ever made to give me an idea how much better it is in the next. This sickness is just His just one of those reminders He already had made me experience before. So many times He had worked in my life but I have never yielded. He had no other way now but to break me completely, reminding me that my “days here on earth is numbered” and that “my life is in His hands”. Done out of LOVE, He is now in my everyday isolation, gently moulding and remoulding me into better person.
My sunshine will come out soon and I am looking forward to what He has in store for me. This time my hope is that my life will not be like a “clanging cymbal” or a “resounding gong” as I learn to LOVE in His perspective. I hope to reflect, without effort or struggle, that a personal relationship with God, my walk with LOVE Himself is the only thing required.
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of this is LOVE.” (1Cor.13:13)
City of Lights . . .
Yesterday at 9:27pm
DEATH is an inevitable reality that frizzes everyone with fear. Less powerful than love yet it has more capacity than love to change a person’s perspective in life. As the last days of my isolation comes near, thoughts of DEATH haunts me more often. The idea of reflecting about it very depressing, but I have to as it pre occupies my mind. I guess this is my last task in my transformation, conquering my own FEAR over my inevitable extinction.
If during my “sepsis” days I was dying, then the experience “of dying” is not very scary, initially at least. The process was like a dream, nothing painful as I clearly I was with my dead paternal grandmother. She (my grandmother) was so alive in this glimpse thus fear of her being dead in reality never crossed my mind. She was holding a very clean, white mosquito net to which she wanted me to get inside as she said I will be bitten by mosquito. She used to do that when I was a child, she knows I hate using mosquito nets. Lovingly she would try to tuck me into it but I fervently refuse saying it feels so hot to sleep with it, then I would come out my wits and realize that I was in a hospital bed and she would vanish. Every time that I am out of my wit it was my grandma, sometimes with other old dead people I knew (all of them carrying mosquito net) that I would be with. All of them, though not in a scary way, try to convince me to get inside their net.
It was a pleasure to be with my grandmother once more so I welcomed her daily company with serenity. This serenity though was disturbed when at some point the dream changed. Replaced with a scene where I was in a top of a very dark hill frozen in fear! It was so dark I could even see my own hands and it felt as if something or someone around me will just grab and torn me to pieces if I move. I felt helpless as the darkness was so intense, my feet would not even move in my command to step forward. I have never been that scared in my life, and my only hope was a distant well lighted city that was too far to dash. In my desperation I was in the verge of succumbing to my fear when I realized that there was Someone in the dark with me that does not emanate fear. I was not alone in the dark. I could not see His face but I felt His presence. I also realized that the darkness became lighter. He did not say a word but I felt that He was also looking at the distant city full of lights. Then a passage from the book of life, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me” seemed to have been whispered to me. These words gave me strength to take one step forward towards the well lighted city. That single step brought me back to BGH with several doctors and nurses around me. I was in dopamine drip and a “code” was about to be called have not my palpatory BP picked up. It was not my time yet!
For a cancer patient in sepsis death is more than a cousin. It was what I expected when I took that one step during my near death experience. Everything just point to what seemed to be my end, even passage given to me, such as “valley of death”. Even the lighted city, I thought it was His city already waiting for my final destiny. But in His not to be questioned plans, He awaken me still in my own physical body. Deep in my heart now I firmly believe that God alone holds the switch of my breath. What makes me ponder right now was the sudden rush of courage I felt upon hearing His words of assurance that “He was with me, with His rod and staff to comfort me”. What power did it gave me that I took that one brave step forward towards what I thought was my rupture. A test of faith that I passed because of the power of His words of assurance that I was not alone in my darkness. When I woke up still in my earthly form, I firmly believed it my heart that only God can say when will be my appointed time, not my sickness or anything else.
I have been told so many times by so many people (my husband included) that I am still alive because I still have a mission. What is this important thing that I could do for the Lord? I could think of nothing for the Lord lacks nothing. There is nothing I can do to add up to His greatness, He is who He, the supplier of all the things that I need. He does not need anything from me as much as I need so much from Him. His ONLY requirement of me is to live every minute of my day dedicated to HIM alone. Does this mean I have to have a perfect, sinless day? Or that I will not do anything anymore for my life but pray every minute? Definitely not, for if that is the requirement I would surely fail every minute of every day.
In moments when I still myself, trying to soothe myself from fears of uncertainty I hear the same spirit I heard during my near death experience telling me that “MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light”, much lighter and easier than the yoke I try to hook upon myself. I now understand that the yoke He was talking about is my acceptance of where I am and what I have right now. But what do I have right now? Humanly speaking I have nothing; no family to cook for, no morning rush to the hospital for work, no bankbook to update, no activity to attend, no badminton games and yet I live each day satisfied. God’s words “MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light” is so true. Life is easy, happy, and satisfactory if lived in His way! In Him “there is nothing else that I shall want!” blessings that I truly need just keep on coming my way, our way (my entire family) without tiring effort. The blessing of peace and satisfaction are flowing non-stop.
Why am I still alive? In my limited human mind I am still alive because I am just not ready to face my Maker yet. He loves me so much He does not want to lose me in any way! He has “broken my will, but not my spirit” through this sickness, reminding me of His power above all things. He has given me new life through the transplant procedure, making sure that I am reminded that there is nothing impossible for Him. Now in my last 30 days or so of isolation He is gently remoulding me. Every day He “prunes” out all the bad buds in my soul as I remain and will remain imperfect and sinful while here on earth. He is very gentle in His "pruning" though as He still makes sure I enjoy every beautiful thing that He had made in this earth. And I believe He does this so that I would look forward to His appointed time without FEAR.
Are my thoughts now depressing? At some point I have to admit that it is, after all, the topic is about death! Personal experience of near death never fails to turn person’s life 360 degrees as it entails unfathomable fear. Two things I grasp about death; one is that it is inevitable so I need to fret over it. For the meantime, I am commanded to enjoy everything to the fullest one day at a time while waiting for my day. The second thing is that it will not take me until my Maker permitted it. He will not take me until I am good enough for reaping. I am (as well as everyone) precious to Him, He does not want to lose me, thus He would break and remould me again and again if He has to until I learn how to chose the right path on every cross road that I meet in my earthly time.
Death indeed has its power to freeze my every nerve, but God’s love is more powerful I could cross the darkest valley with courage and without fear, so why Fear.
“Only today is yours, tomorrow is the Father’s”. (Andrew Murray)
DEATH is an inevitable reality that frizzes everyone with fear. Less powerful than love yet it has more capacity than love to change a person’s perspective in life. As the last days of my isolation comes near, thoughts of DEATH haunts me more often. The idea of reflecting about it very depressing, but I have to as it pre occupies my mind. I guess this is my last task in my transformation, conquering my own FEAR over my inevitable extinction.
If during my “sepsis” days I was dying, then the experience “of dying” is not very scary, initially at least. The process was like a dream, nothing painful as I clearly I was with my dead paternal grandmother. She (my grandmother) was so alive in this glimpse thus fear of her being dead in reality never crossed my mind. She was holding a very clean, white mosquito net to which she wanted me to get inside as she said I will be bitten by mosquito. She used to do that when I was a child, she knows I hate using mosquito nets. Lovingly she would try to tuck me into it but I fervently refuse saying it feels so hot to sleep with it, then I would come out my wits and realize that I was in a hospital bed and she would vanish. Every time that I am out of my wit it was my grandma, sometimes with other old dead people I knew (all of them carrying mosquito net) that I would be with. All of them, though not in a scary way, try to convince me to get inside their net.
It was a pleasure to be with my grandmother once more so I welcomed her daily company with serenity. This serenity though was disturbed when at some point the dream changed. Replaced with a scene where I was in a top of a very dark hill frozen in fear! It was so dark I could even see my own hands and it felt as if something or someone around me will just grab and torn me to pieces if I move. I felt helpless as the darkness was so intense, my feet would not even move in my command to step forward. I have never been that scared in my life, and my only hope was a distant well lighted city that was too far to dash. In my desperation I was in the verge of succumbing to my fear when I realized that there was Someone in the dark with me that does not emanate fear. I was not alone in the dark. I could not see His face but I felt His presence. I also realized that the darkness became lighter. He did not say a word but I felt that He was also looking at the distant city full of lights. Then a passage from the book of life, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me” seemed to have been whispered to me. These words gave me strength to take one step forward towards the well lighted city. That single step brought me back to BGH with several doctors and nurses around me. I was in dopamine drip and a “code” was about to be called have not my palpatory BP picked up. It was not my time yet!
For a cancer patient in sepsis death is more than a cousin. It was what I expected when I took that one step during my near death experience. Everything just point to what seemed to be my end, even passage given to me, such as “valley of death”. Even the lighted city, I thought it was His city already waiting for my final destiny. But in His not to be questioned plans, He awaken me still in my own physical body. Deep in my heart now I firmly believe that God alone holds the switch of my breath. What makes me ponder right now was the sudden rush of courage I felt upon hearing His words of assurance that “He was with me, with His rod and staff to comfort me”. What power did it gave me that I took that one brave step forward towards what I thought was my rupture. A test of faith that I passed because of the power of His words of assurance that I was not alone in my darkness. When I woke up still in my earthly form, I firmly believed it my heart that only God can say when will be my appointed time, not my sickness or anything else.
I have been told so many times by so many people (my husband included) that I am still alive because I still have a mission. What is this important thing that I could do for the Lord? I could think of nothing for the Lord lacks nothing. There is nothing I can do to add up to His greatness, He is who He, the supplier of all the things that I need. He does not need anything from me as much as I need so much from Him. His ONLY requirement of me is to live every minute of my day dedicated to HIM alone. Does this mean I have to have a perfect, sinless day? Or that I will not do anything anymore for my life but pray every minute? Definitely not, for if that is the requirement I would surely fail every minute of every day.
In moments when I still myself, trying to soothe myself from fears of uncertainty I hear the same spirit I heard during my near death experience telling me that “MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light”, much lighter and easier than the yoke I try to hook upon myself. I now understand that the yoke He was talking about is my acceptance of where I am and what I have right now. But what do I have right now? Humanly speaking I have nothing; no family to cook for, no morning rush to the hospital for work, no bankbook to update, no activity to attend, no badminton games and yet I live each day satisfied. God’s words “MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light” is so true. Life is easy, happy, and satisfactory if lived in His way! In Him “there is nothing else that I shall want!” blessings that I truly need just keep on coming my way, our way (my entire family) without tiring effort. The blessing of peace and satisfaction are flowing non-stop.
Why am I still alive? In my limited human mind I am still alive because I am just not ready to face my Maker yet. He loves me so much He does not want to lose me in any way! He has “broken my will, but not my spirit” through this sickness, reminding me of His power above all things. He has given me new life through the transplant procedure, making sure that I am reminded that there is nothing impossible for Him. Now in my last 30 days or so of isolation He is gently remoulding me. Every day He “prunes” out all the bad buds in my soul as I remain and will remain imperfect and sinful while here on earth. He is very gentle in His "pruning" though as He still makes sure I enjoy every beautiful thing that He had made in this earth. And I believe He does this so that I would look forward to His appointed time without FEAR.
Are my thoughts now depressing? At some point I have to admit that it is, after all, the topic is about death! Personal experience of near death never fails to turn person’s life 360 degrees as it entails unfathomable fear. Two things I grasp about death; one is that it is inevitable so I need to fret over it. For the meantime, I am commanded to enjoy everything to the fullest one day at a time while waiting for my day. The second thing is that it will not take me until my Maker permitted it. He will not take me until I am good enough for reaping. I am (as well as everyone) precious to Him, He does not want to lose me, thus He would break and remould me again and again if He has to until I learn how to chose the right path on every cross road that I meet in my earthly time.
Death indeed has its power to freeze my every nerve, but God’s love is more powerful I could cross the darkest valley with courage and without fear, so why Fear.
“Only today is yours, tomorrow is the Father’s”. (Andrew Murray)
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