Wednesday, December 8, 2010 at 12:56pm
Indeed “The night is darkest before the break of dawn.” In my eight month post transplant period the scourge inflicted upon my body and mind become stronger. With each strike a groan for pain is inevitable, with each strike cuts are getting deeper I can no longer contain it I have to air complain. I have no escape! I cannot run away, a barrier is installed right in front of me. Not a mountain that I could go around about but a wall so long and so high I could not climb. Whatever courage left in me is slowly fading away; whatever strength left in me is no longer enough for me to take even a single step forward.
Why finality takes so long to come? It is of preference, I am ready. I have been since my second admission this month. I no longer consider it selfishness or unfair for my husband and children to wish for final rest for even them is forced to take part in the suffering. They have done their part; they have taken more than their portion of bitterness. I cannot let them be hurt much longer, no matter what they say a single hard blow is a lot better than moderate constant scourge. Though not cornered I rest, not to reflect just to rest and stop fighting.
I wanted to “switch off” my thinking but even that eludes my will. Even in my despair GOOD things of the past flashback for a split second. Have I not experienced wellness two months ago? Have I not been back on my feet enjoying household chores and my family? In all abnormalities of my other organ system isn’t my cancer cured? In the abnormality of my liver isn’t my bone marrow working well already? Why don’t I succumb to profuse bleeding with my abnormal clotting factors? Is this not my third sepsis? Why am I still alive? Don’t I have a man whose love and devotion to me and our marriage been tested by what seems to be an element hotter than fire? Don’t I have three beautiful children whose emotional quotient is more than genius? As they (our kids) do perfectly well in every aspect despite the constant sorrow in their hearts. What am I missing? Oh I know, I am missing the flicker of light in what I perceive as total darkness.
I struggled to have a comfortable life and I did not get it. Now I wish for worst but neither that was given. My life is truly not in my hands! “Only God can do all things; and no plan of His can be thwarted” (Job 42:2). His plans are so hard to accept because at the moment they seem so horrible and unfathomable. But “Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge” (Job 42:3). Indeed who am I to interfere with His plans for me? Didn’t Job in his blind faith emerge victorious in the end? He did not only become more blessed with earthly things. More than a blessing for his life is in history used by many who lose hope because of affliction. His misfortune is now used as an example to give hope, to never give up and to wait upon the Lord in every impossible situation. With assurance thru His words I know that I am in a plan designed for His greater glory, thus, it is good for me. I will hold on tightly to this lovely passage “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future” (Jeremiah 29:11).
So right now I decided to stand up and start walking again. I don’t have any choice nor do I? My life will not be taken unless it is time, even if I stop I will be in the same situation so I might as well keep on going. Who knows I may just be few steps away from His goal for me. As to the seemingly tall and long wall in front of me, is not Mt Everest the known tallest mountain on earth has lost its prestige to a lame? Is there anything permanent in this lifetime? I can think of nothing! Both good and bad fade away. This moment of my lifetime shall also pass, as to when only He can tell. Bravely now I will keep on walking, where to? I don’t have an answer, but hopefully towards that small ray of light. Until when will I go on? WITH BLIND FAITH I WILL WALK UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN . . .
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
God’s Gift . . . My Strength and My Shield
Tuesday, August 3, 2010 at 1:55pm
With God as his protector, this tall, dark, Marines stayed for several years in the “area” fighting battles. Ruthless to the enemies, he was the “Braveheart” of my life. God, country before his own personal whims, for me he was a true selfless patriot. He remained loyal to everything he stood for before we got married, an unsung hero of some sort of the country, AFP, and Marine Corps. Who else can be prouder than the woman behind this man?
But at some point I stopped being mesmerized by his selflessness. It felt like he was too much of a hero for others for even when he was no longer in the “field” he was still always at work. Always thinking, planning, and doing something for the office he was being assigned to. Everywhere he goes he was always into improving things that needs improvement, believing in his heart that consolations follows ones love for his work. Although my heart bleeds for him knowing that he was under appreciated and devaluated at times, I torture him by subtly letting him feel that he was neglecting me and the children, that he was effortless in keeping his family happy and that he loves me less. He was a hero no more in my perception; but he just continued doing what he was doing despite my waning support.
Ten years of marriage is not an assurance that you know your better half that well! I judged him wrongly when I thought of him as someone who does not care for me. When I was diagnosed to have an AML, he showed me that he will be there for me too when I needed him most. There was never a time that he was not at my side. Without hesitation he gladly accepted the RHAC he was placed into, despite knowing the fact that it is something that would surely hurt his military career. He does not mind not being able to follow the military pattern he wanted so much until he sees me well and out of danger. I am now sure that heroism is something innate in him, helping those in need, be it a family member or anybody else. I now clearly see that selfless act of disregarding his own need to be with his bride during the battle in Mindanao was genuine!
He is not perfect! He snores loud he disturbs my sleep. His mouth stays open in our long talks and he looks at me as if I talk in Chinese. He hates reading and deliberately misinterprets things to get away with reading. He is not funny. He has all the imperfections I thought I could NOT live with. But all these imperfections are compensated by HIS FEAR AND LOVE FOR THE LORD!
No one may ever know how loyal he is to this country, he may never get the chance to realize the goals and good visions he has for the present organization where he belongs, but as his partner in life I would always thank the Lord he was born so that I can have and possess the greatest gift I can have in this lifetime! As I rejoice in my first victory over my cancer I have to thank him for being obedient to the Sovereign Lord command on the day we got married . . . For richer and for poorer, in SICKNESS and in health, till death do us part. Finally I thank GOD that I come only second in my husbands heart, as Jesus Christ is the first! He may commit mistakes along the way, but I am assured he will return to the right path as his loyalty is to HIM!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
When All are Gone .....
When All are Gone...
July 28, 2010 Tuesday at 7:22am
I am reluctant to make any kind of “updates” the past few days as putting my mind into words seems to be a hard “task” for me these days. It must be the long term effects of my medication that is slowing my neurons down, as I have been on these drugs for almost four months now. Good thing that two of them were already withdrawn and one is being tapered as my laboratories (except my liver profile) are almost normal. The plan is to have most of my medication removed before the end of August as these drugs can cause potential harm when used for prolonged period. Potential danger that includes recurrence of leukaemia, damage to other organs and myriads of changes in me physically, mentally and emotionally.
I am now in the period of re adjusting myself to “normal” and I am starting with my youngest son who, among my three sons, was the most deprived in terms of time spent with me. Something indescribable beats in my heart whenever I try to lift him up but could not sustain for even five minutes. I can see in his eyes that he is as frustrated as I am not to be cuddled longer. I could not explain to him (he is only 19 months old) that my spine hurts real badly whenever I lift him up and try to play with him. The painful reality is not only that I could not play with him at his present age, but the fact that my physical ability may never return to me anymore. Every move I make is done in slow motion. It is as if my muscle had acquired a “mind” of its own, it controls the pacing of physical activity. Even brushing my teeth and writing is an effort as my fingers would go into clonuses if forced to do work. If I walk fast my calf muscle will suddenly contract itself painfully as if to remind me I am doing things very fast, that I am not calm, and that I am not fully resting. Is this God’s way of fulfilling His word to me that “I will give you rest”? If I will be able to come into terms with this truth, the answer will be yes it is. My corporeal being is in the twilight of acceptance and struggle to regain complete control of my physical being. I find it hard to accept that at my age I have to slow things down already, that I will never be able to beat the day by accomplishing more than its number of hours. Being in a predicament beyond my control, I will have to come to terms with Him who is all knowing. For reasons He only knew I am physically remoulded. “MY OWN” strength is gone, and I am left with “SERENITY”! “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)
Organizing thoughts and putting them into words is one of the things I can do easily. It comes naturally for me that I never thought it can be “taken” away from me by anything, not even this sickness. The thought that I still have my mental faculty in its full capacity made my acceptance of my physical limitation a lot easier. Since I was confined, I do nothing but read, write, update myself on things both important and not. All these done to make sure that the seat of my human knowledge will not be affected by both the sickness and medicines. To my dismay, I guess this once unappreciated gift will not be spared. I feel it is being taken away too as collecting and collating thoughts for me these days is an effort. I struggle and refuse to let go as I have to be the master of “MY OWN THOUGHTS”. My words should be chosen by my own brain, nothing should be spontaneous, and everything should be consciously picked so it will have an impact on those who are reached. Shamefully I use the name of my Deity but in my heart hidden the boasting that they are my words therefore my credit. In His great plan for me though, He needs to take away and remould even my human knowledge. Just like my body, my brain now is tired of struggling. I have come to terms with the fact of its limitations. HIS great purpose has to be revealed in HIS own words, not mine. The credit had to be HIS, not mine. I can never be wise or intelligent unless He feeds me with it, my effort to be one only lead to my unrest. “MY OWN” knowledge is gone, and I am left with “WISDOM”! “I am determined to be wise – but this was beyond me” (Ecclesiastes 7:23)
Too caught up in my emotional web since I got sick, I feel nothing but pity upon myself. Day after day I have to convince myself that I am alright, I am blessed, and that it is with reason that my life’s potential is cut off at its midst. With my training I have succeeded in counteracting this self pity for almost a year now. I smile in the face of nothingness, I blabber in the midst of uncertainty, and I even entertain others with my seemingly hopeless situation. I was able to solidly convince myself that I will survive the emotional turmoil brought by my illness by being emotionally well balanced. I focused myself on myself alone, never looking at the periphery lest my balanced will be toppling down. Two or three fellow patients attempted to talk to me, some non cancer patients tried reaching out for me but I ignored them all. I am in too much pain I cannot allow other people’s pain to add up otherwise my balance will be disturbed and I may not survive even for a second. I labour to achieve positive outlook let them find way to heal themselves too. I have built a strong bricks around my heart I am emotionally intangible. Always on my guard to keep the bricks on hold, I am starting to tire. Lately I am starting to become irrationally “emotional” over a lot of co patients during my checkups at the BMT OPD. As if my eyes were opened, I starting to them in a different angle and I could not make myself see their pain objectively. To the very young cancer patients I feel that they are more deprived than I am. To the older ones I feel their struggle to hold on to what little time they have. To some who just been diagnosed, I sympathize with their hardship and struggle in accepting what had hit them. They are all pain, pain that I used to experience yet deny. Spontaneously and unknown to me, my guard for self preservation is out of my hands; I had allowed myself to be lost in other peoples pain. My heart not only bleeds for my fellow cancer patients but on others also who clearly manifests heavy loads that maybe unknown to them. These people are all just like me, strong people who knew how to manipulate perfectly their emotions into their advantage therefore thinks that contentment is at hand. Unconsciously though the shout for search for something more quenching is clearly manifested in the manner they send their emails. When I am conscious and lost in other people’s pain, when “MY OWN” emotional sense of stability is gone, I am left with “CONFIDENCE”. Confidence in Jesus Christ that HE is working in my life here on earth to secure my eternity by being a channel of HIS love for everyone. “The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave HIMSELF for me” (Galatians 2:20).
The changes and still ongoing changes in me are not easy as it involves first and foremost HUMILITY. The acceptance that I now exist with so much limitation requires utmost humility and obedience. Limitations on the matters I used to enjoy so much (seeing my patients which took up 80% of my time, going out with friends, playing badminton) but also take up so much of my time I disregard the more important ones (I spend less than 5% with my children). As they say “All are permissible, but not all are beneficial”. I thank the Lord for stirring the course of life to what is beneficial, and with gladness I accept the PEACE that comes along with it!
The remoulding that has been done and still being done entails PATIENCE! I thought I could not stand the wait, and that so much more will be asked. Then when I stopped struggling I realized in fact that it was easy for it only requires keeping a still and quiet heart. I thank the Lord for teaching me the discipline of quietness, and with gladness I accept the PEACE that comes along with it!
Like a larva ready to metamorphose into a beautiful butterfly, I am coming out soon! To enjoy God’s gifts that are vital and beneficial for my existence, and to radiate to many people the LOVE and COMPASSION of GOD through CHRIST JESUS!
WHEN ALL ARE GONE, I AM PARADOXICALLY FULLER THAN I USED TO BE!
July 28, 2010 Tuesday at 7:22am
I am reluctant to make any kind of “updates” the past few days as putting my mind into words seems to be a hard “task” for me these days. It must be the long term effects of my medication that is slowing my neurons down, as I have been on these drugs for almost four months now. Good thing that two of them were already withdrawn and one is being tapered as my laboratories (except my liver profile) are almost normal. The plan is to have most of my medication removed before the end of August as these drugs can cause potential harm when used for prolonged period. Potential danger that includes recurrence of leukaemia, damage to other organs and myriads of changes in me physically, mentally and emotionally.
I am now in the period of re adjusting myself to “normal” and I am starting with my youngest son who, among my three sons, was the most deprived in terms of time spent with me. Something indescribable beats in my heart whenever I try to lift him up but could not sustain for even five minutes. I can see in his eyes that he is as frustrated as I am not to be cuddled longer. I could not explain to him (he is only 19 months old) that my spine hurts real badly whenever I lift him up and try to play with him. The painful reality is not only that I could not play with him at his present age, but the fact that my physical ability may never return to me anymore. Every move I make is done in slow motion. It is as if my muscle had acquired a “mind” of its own, it controls the pacing of physical activity. Even brushing my teeth and writing is an effort as my fingers would go into clonuses if forced to do work. If I walk fast my calf muscle will suddenly contract itself painfully as if to remind me I am doing things very fast, that I am not calm, and that I am not fully resting. Is this God’s way of fulfilling His word to me that “I will give you rest”? If I will be able to come into terms with this truth, the answer will be yes it is. My corporeal being is in the twilight of acceptance and struggle to regain complete control of my physical being. I find it hard to accept that at my age I have to slow things down already, that I will never be able to beat the day by accomplishing more than its number of hours. Being in a predicament beyond my control, I will have to come to terms with Him who is all knowing. For reasons He only knew I am physically remoulded. “MY OWN” strength is gone, and I am left with “SERENITY”! “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)
Organizing thoughts and putting them into words is one of the things I can do easily. It comes naturally for me that I never thought it can be “taken” away from me by anything, not even this sickness. The thought that I still have my mental faculty in its full capacity made my acceptance of my physical limitation a lot easier. Since I was confined, I do nothing but read, write, update myself on things both important and not. All these done to make sure that the seat of my human knowledge will not be affected by both the sickness and medicines. To my dismay, I guess this once unappreciated gift will not be spared. I feel it is being taken away too as collecting and collating thoughts for me these days is an effort. I struggle and refuse to let go as I have to be the master of “MY OWN THOUGHTS”. My words should be chosen by my own brain, nothing should be spontaneous, and everything should be consciously picked so it will have an impact on those who are reached. Shamefully I use the name of my Deity but in my heart hidden the boasting that they are my words therefore my credit. In His great plan for me though, He needs to take away and remould even my human knowledge. Just like my body, my brain now is tired of struggling. I have come to terms with the fact of its limitations. HIS great purpose has to be revealed in HIS own words, not mine. The credit had to be HIS, not mine. I can never be wise or intelligent unless He feeds me with it, my effort to be one only lead to my unrest. “MY OWN” knowledge is gone, and I am left with “WISDOM”! “I am determined to be wise – but this was beyond me” (Ecclesiastes 7:23)
Too caught up in my emotional web since I got sick, I feel nothing but pity upon myself. Day after day I have to convince myself that I am alright, I am blessed, and that it is with reason that my life’s potential is cut off at its midst. With my training I have succeeded in counteracting this self pity for almost a year now. I smile in the face of nothingness, I blabber in the midst of uncertainty, and I even entertain others with my seemingly hopeless situation. I was able to solidly convince myself that I will survive the emotional turmoil brought by my illness by being emotionally well balanced. I focused myself on myself alone, never looking at the periphery lest my balanced will be toppling down. Two or three fellow patients attempted to talk to me, some non cancer patients tried reaching out for me but I ignored them all. I am in too much pain I cannot allow other people’s pain to add up otherwise my balance will be disturbed and I may not survive even for a second. I labour to achieve positive outlook let them find way to heal themselves too. I have built a strong bricks around my heart I am emotionally intangible. Always on my guard to keep the bricks on hold, I am starting to tire. Lately I am starting to become irrationally “emotional” over a lot of co patients during my checkups at the BMT OPD. As if my eyes were opened, I starting to them in a different angle and I could not make myself see their pain objectively. To the very young cancer patients I feel that they are more deprived than I am. To the older ones I feel their struggle to hold on to what little time they have. To some who just been diagnosed, I sympathize with their hardship and struggle in accepting what had hit them. They are all pain, pain that I used to experience yet deny. Spontaneously and unknown to me, my guard for self preservation is out of my hands; I had allowed myself to be lost in other peoples pain. My heart not only bleeds for my fellow cancer patients but on others also who clearly manifests heavy loads that maybe unknown to them. These people are all just like me, strong people who knew how to manipulate perfectly their emotions into their advantage therefore thinks that contentment is at hand. Unconsciously though the shout for search for something more quenching is clearly manifested in the manner they send their emails. When I am conscious and lost in other people’s pain, when “MY OWN” emotional sense of stability is gone, I am left with “CONFIDENCE”. Confidence in Jesus Christ that HE is working in my life here on earth to secure my eternity by being a channel of HIS love for everyone. “The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave HIMSELF for me” (Galatians 2:20).
The changes and still ongoing changes in me are not easy as it involves first and foremost HUMILITY. The acceptance that I now exist with so much limitation requires utmost humility and obedience. Limitations on the matters I used to enjoy so much (seeing my patients which took up 80% of my time, going out with friends, playing badminton) but also take up so much of my time I disregard the more important ones (I spend less than 5% with my children). As they say “All are permissible, but not all are beneficial”. I thank the Lord for stirring the course of life to what is beneficial, and with gladness I accept the PEACE that comes along with it!
The remoulding that has been done and still being done entails PATIENCE! I thought I could not stand the wait, and that so much more will be asked. Then when I stopped struggling I realized in fact that it was easy for it only requires keeping a still and quiet heart. I thank the Lord for teaching me the discipline of quietness, and with gladness I accept the PEACE that comes along with it!
Like a larva ready to metamorphose into a beautiful butterfly, I am coming out soon! To enjoy God’s gifts that are vital and beneficial for my existence, and to radiate to many people the LOVE and COMPASSION of GOD through CHRIST JESUS!
WHEN ALL ARE GONE, I AM PARADOXICALLY FULLER THAN I USED TO BE!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Need for LOVE . . .
Saturday, June 19, 2010 at 6:14am
At the onset of my illness a very good friend of mine sympathized with me. I felt her deep sadness along with a question that until now still lingers in my mind. After all the kind and encouraging words she uttered, she also asked me, “I just wonder why this has happened to you when both you and Stephen were very prayerful, Godly couple?” The question offended me that time, but as I realized that the question was more for herself than mine, I felt great woe for her.
That feeling of woe to my friend made me ask myself what kind of life was I showing others back then. Surely after I have received Jesus Christ in my life years before my sickness I made it a point to do my part in making Him seen in all my endeavours. In all my struggles I call upon Him, in blessings after blessings I give thanks to Him. I never fail to mention Him to people each they come for non therapeutic advice. I thought that I was already doing what God wants me to do for Him in my everyday living.
Looking back, I can say I have been up and down my own little hills in life. I always get to the peaks of these hills. Down on my knees throughout med school especially during board exams I was able to make it despite financial difficulty. I remember I used to just feel so much for my batch mates who had the capacity to waste their time and money in med school while I have to stern, work double time, and never really enjoyed the days. I know I had scarred many hearts back then as they perceived me as someone hard to approach and never easy to get along with. Little did they know that the “id” behind my facade is envy of their good and comfortable life. I have compensated this need (envy) by “not being one of them” all the more. I have placed myself in solitude, seeking and searching why my heart is always in turmoil. I pray, I get calmed but like opium my prayer does not last very long. My mind is right but I always feel that my heart is always wrong as it was never at peace, and I did not see the reason why for I was making it better than the others.
My marriage to my husband is the highest hill peak I had reached. He made me more anchored to God, made me more at peace with myself, made me more confident with myself. It was a relief finding someone who would take you as you are. I don’t have to be brainy (my strongest defence from all my inadequacy) with him all the time. But our union was not at the peak all the time. In fact, it was about to go downhill early on as it was tested by infidelity early at its stage. Took me years to forgive, and until now I still remember the pain of the worst thing anyone can do to someone, betrayal! My love for him never allowed me to tell anyone about it so I suffered alone not wanting to destroy his image of a God fearing person. It was a good thing that truly he is a God fearing person, and that situation was just a one event. Through prayers God did not allow my pride and pain to destroy us. The Lord won the battle that I thought I could never make.
I chose psychiatry as medical specialty perhaps to help myself on the first place. One school of thought psychiatrist believes is that “ones behaviour is determined by her “id”. As “id” is that part of the mind that is always for pleasure, comfort and release I may have been in the field because I wanted to find the peace I have been looking for everywhere. For even when my mind is right, I feel that there is something wrong in my heart. I did find myself, knowing my own psychodynamics and all and it gave me peace at the beginning. Knowing me though was not the answer. The jungle I was into still ate me up and made me more a monster. Competing with others is my worst weakness. I always have this need to prove my supremacy over others. I do a lot of extra reading, extra work, extra of everything and I shout it to the world. I needed to be appreciated! Although it was part of my psychodynamics I just did know how to treat it. I am stressed and just plain tired but could not stop. My “id” was just too powerful than my “ego” and “super ego” combined. In my inner struggles I keep working for the Lord through lip service, showing that I am Christian in my walk in life but deep inside, God as my opium just did not work anymore. My personal relationship with Christ, which is the only thing He requires of me, was no longer there.
Now my friend’s question struck me as very valid and relevant to all that has happened and happening. How come my sunny life been gloomed with thundering rain despite my struggle to be in allegiance to the Supreme Being. It was after all an utmost effort to show His presence in my life despite not feeling Him, thus it deserve good blessing instead of sickness. “God sees through the heart”! “He is all knowing” and “there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing that can be hidden from HIM”. “He knows my every thought, he knows the deepest part of my heart and He knows MY EVERY NEED!” He saw my struggle, He perceived the tiredness of my heart and He saw my need for rest. The unrest in my soul is His reason for placing me in my present SITUATION. He wanted to tell me that I am more important than what I do. My happiness and my comfort are more important than my need to be appreciated by others. He wanted to tell me that I have no idea who He is and my perspective of Him is far from the truth I know. In my present solitude He wanted to tell me of my NEED FOR LOVE.
LOVE a very powerful emotion that can both build and destroy. Even the biblical definition of love is so hard to achieve as it is a perfect manifestation of something that seemed to be just a concept. “Love is patient and kind.” the book of life says. “Love does not envy, it does not boast, and it is not proud.” “Love is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no records of wrongs.” I could “act out” this definition of love but I find it difficult to feel. I am exactly the opposite of all of these therefore it is so difficult for me. Is he giving me something difficult to achieve? Something that would make me crawl on my knees just to perform? Is He making my life more miserable? Of course not! As He opens my eyes in my daily reflection, it dawned on me that the LOVE that I NEEDED is not the emotional one. Ii is Jesus Christ Himself. He is the perfect manifestation of love, He turn the concept of LOVE to reality. He is kind, patient, not rude, not easily angered, and KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONG! I can love easily if I walk with the source of love Himself. Such a beautiful realization of Him it touches the core of my heart! I find it hard to love because I never have or I never allowed the SOURCE of love Himself to dwell (and I to dwell in Him) in me completely.
As I go back to my friend’s question which I perceive as tantamount to asking “Is my sickness a punishment?” I believe that punishment is not of this lifetime! In fact this lifetime is meant for pure happiness and comfort for I believe this is glimpse of what is to come. He meant for me to enjoy every good thing that He had ever made to give me an idea how much better it is in the next. This sickness is just His just one of those reminders He already had made me experience before. So many times He had worked in my life but I have never yielded. He had no other way now but to break me completely, reminding me that my “days here on earth is numbered” and that “my life is in His hands”. Done out of LOVE, He is now in my everyday isolation, gently moulding and remoulding me into better person.
My sunshine will come out soon and I am looking forward to what He has in store for me. This time my hope is that my life will not be like a “clanging cymbal” or a “resounding gong” as I learn to LOVE in His perspective. I hope to reflect, without effort or struggle, that a personal relationship with God, my walk with LOVE Himself is the only thing required.
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of this is LOVE.” (1Cor.13:13)
At the onset of my illness a very good friend of mine sympathized with me. I felt her deep sadness along with a question that until now still lingers in my mind. After all the kind and encouraging words she uttered, she also asked me, “I just wonder why this has happened to you when both you and Stephen were very prayerful, Godly couple?” The question offended me that time, but as I realized that the question was more for herself than mine, I felt great woe for her.
That feeling of woe to my friend made me ask myself what kind of life was I showing others back then. Surely after I have received Jesus Christ in my life years before my sickness I made it a point to do my part in making Him seen in all my endeavours. In all my struggles I call upon Him, in blessings after blessings I give thanks to Him. I never fail to mention Him to people each they come for non therapeutic advice. I thought that I was already doing what God wants me to do for Him in my everyday living.
Looking back, I can say I have been up and down my own little hills in life. I always get to the peaks of these hills. Down on my knees throughout med school especially during board exams I was able to make it despite financial difficulty. I remember I used to just feel so much for my batch mates who had the capacity to waste their time and money in med school while I have to stern, work double time, and never really enjoyed the days. I know I had scarred many hearts back then as they perceived me as someone hard to approach and never easy to get along with. Little did they know that the “id” behind my facade is envy of their good and comfortable life. I have compensated this need (envy) by “not being one of them” all the more. I have placed myself in solitude, seeking and searching why my heart is always in turmoil. I pray, I get calmed but like opium my prayer does not last very long. My mind is right but I always feel that my heart is always wrong as it was never at peace, and I did not see the reason why for I was making it better than the others.
My marriage to my husband is the highest hill peak I had reached. He made me more anchored to God, made me more at peace with myself, made me more confident with myself. It was a relief finding someone who would take you as you are. I don’t have to be brainy (my strongest defence from all my inadequacy) with him all the time. But our union was not at the peak all the time. In fact, it was about to go downhill early on as it was tested by infidelity early at its stage. Took me years to forgive, and until now I still remember the pain of the worst thing anyone can do to someone, betrayal! My love for him never allowed me to tell anyone about it so I suffered alone not wanting to destroy his image of a God fearing person. It was a good thing that truly he is a God fearing person, and that situation was just a one event. Through prayers God did not allow my pride and pain to destroy us. The Lord won the battle that I thought I could never make.
I chose psychiatry as medical specialty perhaps to help myself on the first place. One school of thought psychiatrist believes is that “ones behaviour is determined by her “id”. As “id” is that part of the mind that is always for pleasure, comfort and release I may have been in the field because I wanted to find the peace I have been looking for everywhere. For even when my mind is right, I feel that there is something wrong in my heart. I did find myself, knowing my own psychodynamics and all and it gave me peace at the beginning. Knowing me though was not the answer. The jungle I was into still ate me up and made me more a monster. Competing with others is my worst weakness. I always have this need to prove my supremacy over others. I do a lot of extra reading, extra work, extra of everything and I shout it to the world. I needed to be appreciated! Although it was part of my psychodynamics I just did know how to treat it. I am stressed and just plain tired but could not stop. My “id” was just too powerful than my “ego” and “super ego” combined. In my inner struggles I keep working for the Lord through lip service, showing that I am Christian in my walk in life but deep inside, God as my opium just did not work anymore. My personal relationship with Christ, which is the only thing He requires of me, was no longer there.
Now my friend’s question struck me as very valid and relevant to all that has happened and happening. How come my sunny life been gloomed with thundering rain despite my struggle to be in allegiance to the Supreme Being. It was after all an utmost effort to show His presence in my life despite not feeling Him, thus it deserve good blessing instead of sickness. “God sees through the heart”! “He is all knowing” and “there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing that can be hidden from HIM”. “He knows my every thought, he knows the deepest part of my heart and He knows MY EVERY NEED!” He saw my struggle, He perceived the tiredness of my heart and He saw my need for rest. The unrest in my soul is His reason for placing me in my present SITUATION. He wanted to tell me that I am more important than what I do. My happiness and my comfort are more important than my need to be appreciated by others. He wanted to tell me that I have no idea who He is and my perspective of Him is far from the truth I know. In my present solitude He wanted to tell me of my NEED FOR LOVE.
LOVE a very powerful emotion that can both build and destroy. Even the biblical definition of love is so hard to achieve as it is a perfect manifestation of something that seemed to be just a concept. “Love is patient and kind.” the book of life says. “Love does not envy, it does not boast, and it is not proud.” “Love is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no records of wrongs.” I could “act out” this definition of love but I find it difficult to feel. I am exactly the opposite of all of these therefore it is so difficult for me. Is he giving me something difficult to achieve? Something that would make me crawl on my knees just to perform? Is He making my life more miserable? Of course not! As He opens my eyes in my daily reflection, it dawned on me that the LOVE that I NEEDED is not the emotional one. Ii is Jesus Christ Himself. He is the perfect manifestation of love, He turn the concept of LOVE to reality. He is kind, patient, not rude, not easily angered, and KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONG! I can love easily if I walk with the source of love Himself. Such a beautiful realization of Him it touches the core of my heart! I find it hard to love because I never have or I never allowed the SOURCE of love Himself to dwell (and I to dwell in Him) in me completely.
As I go back to my friend’s question which I perceive as tantamount to asking “Is my sickness a punishment?” I believe that punishment is not of this lifetime! In fact this lifetime is meant for pure happiness and comfort for I believe this is glimpse of what is to come. He meant for me to enjoy every good thing that He had ever made to give me an idea how much better it is in the next. This sickness is just His just one of those reminders He already had made me experience before. So many times He had worked in my life but I have never yielded. He had no other way now but to break me completely, reminding me that my “days here on earth is numbered” and that “my life is in His hands”. Done out of LOVE, He is now in my everyday isolation, gently moulding and remoulding me into better person.
My sunshine will come out soon and I am looking forward to what He has in store for me. This time my hope is that my life will not be like a “clanging cymbal” or a “resounding gong” as I learn to LOVE in His perspective. I hope to reflect, without effort or struggle, that a personal relationship with God, my walk with LOVE Himself is the only thing required.
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of this is LOVE.” (1Cor.13:13)
City of Lights . . .
Yesterday at 9:27pm
DEATH is an inevitable reality that frizzes everyone with fear. Less powerful than love yet it has more capacity than love to change a person’s perspective in life. As the last days of my isolation comes near, thoughts of DEATH haunts me more often. The idea of reflecting about it very depressing, but I have to as it pre occupies my mind. I guess this is my last task in my transformation, conquering my own FEAR over my inevitable extinction.
If during my “sepsis” days I was dying, then the experience “of dying” is not very scary, initially at least. The process was like a dream, nothing painful as I clearly I was with my dead paternal grandmother. She (my grandmother) was so alive in this glimpse thus fear of her being dead in reality never crossed my mind. She was holding a very clean, white mosquito net to which she wanted me to get inside as she said I will be bitten by mosquito. She used to do that when I was a child, she knows I hate using mosquito nets. Lovingly she would try to tuck me into it but I fervently refuse saying it feels so hot to sleep with it, then I would come out my wits and realize that I was in a hospital bed and she would vanish. Every time that I am out of my wit it was my grandma, sometimes with other old dead people I knew (all of them carrying mosquito net) that I would be with. All of them, though not in a scary way, try to convince me to get inside their net.
It was a pleasure to be with my grandmother once more so I welcomed her daily company with serenity. This serenity though was disturbed when at some point the dream changed. Replaced with a scene where I was in a top of a very dark hill frozen in fear! It was so dark I could even see my own hands and it felt as if something or someone around me will just grab and torn me to pieces if I move. I felt helpless as the darkness was so intense, my feet would not even move in my command to step forward. I have never been that scared in my life, and my only hope was a distant well lighted city that was too far to dash. In my desperation I was in the verge of succumbing to my fear when I realized that there was Someone in the dark with me that does not emanate fear. I was not alone in the dark. I could not see His face but I felt His presence. I also realized that the darkness became lighter. He did not say a word but I felt that He was also looking at the distant city full of lights. Then a passage from the book of life, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me” seemed to have been whispered to me. These words gave me strength to take one step forward towards the well lighted city. That single step brought me back to BGH with several doctors and nurses around me. I was in dopamine drip and a “code” was about to be called have not my palpatory BP picked up. It was not my time yet!
For a cancer patient in sepsis death is more than a cousin. It was what I expected when I took that one step during my near death experience. Everything just point to what seemed to be my end, even passage given to me, such as “valley of death”. Even the lighted city, I thought it was His city already waiting for my final destiny. But in His not to be questioned plans, He awaken me still in my own physical body. Deep in my heart now I firmly believe that God alone holds the switch of my breath. What makes me ponder right now was the sudden rush of courage I felt upon hearing His words of assurance that “He was with me, with His rod and staff to comfort me”. What power did it gave me that I took that one brave step forward towards what I thought was my rupture. A test of faith that I passed because of the power of His words of assurance that I was not alone in my darkness. When I woke up still in my earthly form, I firmly believed it my heart that only God can say when will be my appointed time, not my sickness or anything else.
I have been told so many times by so many people (my husband included) that I am still alive because I still have a mission. What is this important thing that I could do for the Lord? I could think of nothing for the Lord lacks nothing. There is nothing I can do to add up to His greatness, He is who He, the supplier of all the things that I need. He does not need anything from me as much as I need so much from Him. His ONLY requirement of me is to live every minute of my day dedicated to HIM alone. Does this mean I have to have a perfect, sinless day? Or that I will not do anything anymore for my life but pray every minute? Definitely not, for if that is the requirement I would surely fail every minute of every day.
In moments when I still myself, trying to soothe myself from fears of uncertainty I hear the same spirit I heard during my near death experience telling me that “MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light”, much lighter and easier than the yoke I try to hook upon myself. I now understand that the yoke He was talking about is my acceptance of where I am and what I have right now. But what do I have right now? Humanly speaking I have nothing; no family to cook for, no morning rush to the hospital for work, no bankbook to update, no activity to attend, no badminton games and yet I live each day satisfied. God’s words “MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light” is so true. Life is easy, happy, and satisfactory if lived in His way! In Him “there is nothing else that I shall want!” blessings that I truly need just keep on coming my way, our way (my entire family) without tiring effort. The blessing of peace and satisfaction are flowing non-stop.
Why am I still alive? In my limited human mind I am still alive because I am just not ready to face my Maker yet. He loves me so much He does not want to lose me in any way! He has “broken my will, but not my spirit” through this sickness, reminding me of His power above all things. He has given me new life through the transplant procedure, making sure that I am reminded that there is nothing impossible for Him. Now in my last 30 days or so of isolation He is gently remoulding me. Every day He “prunes” out all the bad buds in my soul as I remain and will remain imperfect and sinful while here on earth. He is very gentle in His "pruning" though as He still makes sure I enjoy every beautiful thing that He had made in this earth. And I believe He does this so that I would look forward to His appointed time without FEAR.
Are my thoughts now depressing? At some point I have to admit that it is, after all, the topic is about death! Personal experience of near death never fails to turn person’s life 360 degrees as it entails unfathomable fear. Two things I grasp about death; one is that it is inevitable so I need to fret over it. For the meantime, I am commanded to enjoy everything to the fullest one day at a time while waiting for my day. The second thing is that it will not take me until my Maker permitted it. He will not take me until I am good enough for reaping. I am (as well as everyone) precious to Him, He does not want to lose me, thus He would break and remould me again and again if He has to until I learn how to chose the right path on every cross road that I meet in my earthly time.
Death indeed has its power to freeze my every nerve, but God’s love is more powerful I could cross the darkest valley with courage and without fear, so why Fear.
“Only today is yours, tomorrow is the Father’s”. (Andrew Murray)
DEATH is an inevitable reality that frizzes everyone with fear. Less powerful than love yet it has more capacity than love to change a person’s perspective in life. As the last days of my isolation comes near, thoughts of DEATH haunts me more often. The idea of reflecting about it very depressing, but I have to as it pre occupies my mind. I guess this is my last task in my transformation, conquering my own FEAR over my inevitable extinction.
If during my “sepsis” days I was dying, then the experience “of dying” is not very scary, initially at least. The process was like a dream, nothing painful as I clearly I was with my dead paternal grandmother. She (my grandmother) was so alive in this glimpse thus fear of her being dead in reality never crossed my mind. She was holding a very clean, white mosquito net to which she wanted me to get inside as she said I will be bitten by mosquito. She used to do that when I was a child, she knows I hate using mosquito nets. Lovingly she would try to tuck me into it but I fervently refuse saying it feels so hot to sleep with it, then I would come out my wits and realize that I was in a hospital bed and she would vanish. Every time that I am out of my wit it was my grandma, sometimes with other old dead people I knew (all of them carrying mosquito net) that I would be with. All of them, though not in a scary way, try to convince me to get inside their net.
It was a pleasure to be with my grandmother once more so I welcomed her daily company with serenity. This serenity though was disturbed when at some point the dream changed. Replaced with a scene where I was in a top of a very dark hill frozen in fear! It was so dark I could even see my own hands and it felt as if something or someone around me will just grab and torn me to pieces if I move. I felt helpless as the darkness was so intense, my feet would not even move in my command to step forward. I have never been that scared in my life, and my only hope was a distant well lighted city that was too far to dash. In my desperation I was in the verge of succumbing to my fear when I realized that there was Someone in the dark with me that does not emanate fear. I was not alone in the dark. I could not see His face but I felt His presence. I also realized that the darkness became lighter. He did not say a word but I felt that He was also looking at the distant city full of lights. Then a passage from the book of life, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me” seemed to have been whispered to me. These words gave me strength to take one step forward towards the well lighted city. That single step brought me back to BGH with several doctors and nurses around me. I was in dopamine drip and a “code” was about to be called have not my palpatory BP picked up. It was not my time yet!
For a cancer patient in sepsis death is more than a cousin. It was what I expected when I took that one step during my near death experience. Everything just point to what seemed to be my end, even passage given to me, such as “valley of death”. Even the lighted city, I thought it was His city already waiting for my final destiny. But in His not to be questioned plans, He awaken me still in my own physical body. Deep in my heart now I firmly believe that God alone holds the switch of my breath. What makes me ponder right now was the sudden rush of courage I felt upon hearing His words of assurance that “He was with me, with His rod and staff to comfort me”. What power did it gave me that I took that one brave step forward towards what I thought was my rupture. A test of faith that I passed because of the power of His words of assurance that I was not alone in my darkness. When I woke up still in my earthly form, I firmly believed it my heart that only God can say when will be my appointed time, not my sickness or anything else.
I have been told so many times by so many people (my husband included) that I am still alive because I still have a mission. What is this important thing that I could do for the Lord? I could think of nothing for the Lord lacks nothing. There is nothing I can do to add up to His greatness, He is who He, the supplier of all the things that I need. He does not need anything from me as much as I need so much from Him. His ONLY requirement of me is to live every minute of my day dedicated to HIM alone. Does this mean I have to have a perfect, sinless day? Or that I will not do anything anymore for my life but pray every minute? Definitely not, for if that is the requirement I would surely fail every minute of every day.
In moments when I still myself, trying to soothe myself from fears of uncertainty I hear the same spirit I heard during my near death experience telling me that “MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light”, much lighter and easier than the yoke I try to hook upon myself. I now understand that the yoke He was talking about is my acceptance of where I am and what I have right now. But what do I have right now? Humanly speaking I have nothing; no family to cook for, no morning rush to the hospital for work, no bankbook to update, no activity to attend, no badminton games and yet I live each day satisfied. God’s words “MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light” is so true. Life is easy, happy, and satisfactory if lived in His way! In Him “there is nothing else that I shall want!” blessings that I truly need just keep on coming my way, our way (my entire family) without tiring effort. The blessing of peace and satisfaction are flowing non-stop.
Why am I still alive? In my limited human mind I am still alive because I am just not ready to face my Maker yet. He loves me so much He does not want to lose me in any way! He has “broken my will, but not my spirit” through this sickness, reminding me of His power above all things. He has given me new life through the transplant procedure, making sure that I am reminded that there is nothing impossible for Him. Now in my last 30 days or so of isolation He is gently remoulding me. Every day He “prunes” out all the bad buds in my soul as I remain and will remain imperfect and sinful while here on earth. He is very gentle in His "pruning" though as He still makes sure I enjoy every beautiful thing that He had made in this earth. And I believe He does this so that I would look forward to His appointed time without FEAR.
Are my thoughts now depressing? At some point I have to admit that it is, after all, the topic is about death! Personal experience of near death never fails to turn person’s life 360 degrees as it entails unfathomable fear. Two things I grasp about death; one is that it is inevitable so I need to fret over it. For the meantime, I am commanded to enjoy everything to the fullest one day at a time while waiting for my day. The second thing is that it will not take me until my Maker permitted it. He will not take me until I am good enough for reaping. I am (as well as everyone) precious to Him, He does not want to lose me, thus He would break and remould me again and again if He has to until I learn how to chose the right path on every cross road that I meet in my earthly time.
Death indeed has its power to freeze my every nerve, but God’s love is more powerful I could cross the darkest valley with courage and without fear, so why Fear.
“Only today is yours, tomorrow is the Father’s”. (Andrew Murray)
Friday, June 11, 2010
Selfish Wish
Wednesday at 9:48pm
Tomorrow is my 30th day since I was discharged from the hospital. They said that most patients get readmitted in two to three weeks time because of acquired infection or LBM and I am lucky to be one of the few who reached the one month and counting period. Post transplant, especially the first 120 days, is the most difficult part of all. Most of the patients I have talked to would rather bury the memory in the deepest recesses of their mind. Sometimes I have to do the same to be able to sleep but it seems that the constant pain in my back would not make me forget. For a week now my low back pain although tolerable is such a nuisance I can’t even sit long enough to read or do something else. If I force to sit down for a long time, the pain would shoot up at my nape area to my head. Three mornings ago I woke up unable to move my knees. They seemed to lock themselves and now give me discomfort to walk. I am not some sadist to enjoy all these but I am not complaining this time. I have been thru these pains and so much more . . .
What a way to celebrate the Easter Sunday of 2010, considering it was my first post transplant day. I happily announced to almost everyone that my ordeal was finally over. I successfully received and wholeheartedly accepted my sister’s bone marrow. I was just to wait for two to three weeks for the new bone marrow to engraft and produce the blood components I needed to survive. I was elated, euphoric even and I felt so free! I needed something to do, something that will help me on the days to come when the dreaded effects of chemo drugs and the possible start of GVHD will start. My goal was to defeat the physical symptoms through “mind over matter.” “Know your enemy”, I devoured books pertaining to medications and more. I acted as if I was back in med school. I thought I was ready to face my post transplant period ALONE but all my effort was vain for not one prepared me of what was to come.
My second week post transplant, my new bone marrow started to produce new blood cells. The same week I also woke up with one big, painful sore in my tongue. Forewarned I did not worry about it confident that though it was painful, it was tolerable. I am all set to experience this pain most post transplant were all so afraid about. Mind over matter, my mind was ready. The following day another sore came out, and since then everyday new one would just pop out of nowhere until my tongue became swollen it would come out of my mouth. I could not speak because of the pain and at night I could sleep as beside the pain saliva would flow up to my neck. Just with one sore it was painful enough, with every inch of tongue it was excruciatingly painful. The “one night popping” sore did not stop in the tongue. It grew also in my throat and I believe up to my anus because every time I excrete I writhe in pain. It would take me an hour plus buckets of sweat just to use the bathroom, which was more than five to six times a day. I could not eat; I could not speak because of severe pain 24 hours a day. I did my best to conquer the pain; I tried to suffer it all on my own! It was only at night that I could not hide the torture. As in my minutes of sleep I would dream that I was well playing with my children, and then the three of them would sit in my chest I could not breath I would moan in pain. My sister would wake me up always telling me I sound like in too much pain, to which I would answer I was just having a bad dream. Even my mind refused to accept that I was in pain.
Every day I waited for the doctor’s promise that the sore will go away one by one the way they came, instead it worsened. Everything that was given to me, from IV medication to per orem medication would cause severe abdominal pain. Even the simple magnesium and potassium that was supposed to be normal component of my body would make me crawl in my bed in pain. It felt like a sore rubbed with pepper, the "hotness" would creep into my skin and skin me alive. I stopped counting the coming weeks as the torture of my gut continued. I was already placed on TPN as I could not swallow anymore despite my willingness to.
For weeks they have been asking me if I wanted the pain management team to come in, but I would answer “I can take the pain; I have a very high threshold for pain.” I can make it, “mind over matter!” At this point in time I was the one who requested for the pain management team to come in. “I needed someone, anyone to abate the pain.” I was then hooked on fentanyl drip. Like a miracle it helped lessen the pain and the relief was such a pleasure I thought it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. The drip was under my own control, so I did not allow even a little discomfort as I would press it once I awakened so that not an atom of pain could touch me. The pain free feelings given by the fentanyl made me selfishly and horribly wish for death. I thought if my sickness will make live this kind of pain all the time then I would rather have swift one. The sleep the fentanyl was giving me an unimaginable relief, gave me so must rest I wanted to rest for good. I was in this state for almost a week, wanting nothing but relief, wishing for things to be always that comfortable. Not even the voice of my husband would take me away in my comfort zone. Not even the voices of my angels (my children) would stop me from continually dripping myself with the only thing that made me feel satisfied (fentanyl).
As their day of visit was always a Sunday, the last thing I would hear from them was we came from Sunday school and we have something for you. Work of art they do in Sunday school that I used to keep and cherish but that time did not matter anymore. Then one day my eldest, my “warrior” child, asked “mom why are you always asleep when we visit, are you still tired? Dad said you are not getting well? Don’t you want to get well anymore?” A seven year old, made to face the reality that his mom will not probably get well because she refuse to. It was my wake up call!
As a mother, I have been so selfish wishing for comfort. I have forgotten that they too (my little children) were made to make sacrifice of not having their mom long enough. I was so selfish I forgot that I promised that I will be with him on his 7th birthday, then on my second son’s 5th birthday. I promised that I will be there already before classes begin to tutor them in their homework. I promised that I would finish the make believe story of the three baboons which they love so much. I was so selfish I forgot that I have given them hope that I would return to them and we will do so many things together. I realized that their longing for a mother and the fear they harbour was so much torturing than my physical pain. The sacrifices they were forced to be in were so much more than mine it made me so ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my selfish wish for my own COMFORT I did not think of the other people hoping unceasingly that I would take courage and do my very best to return to them.
“It is only by frequent repetition that a child learns her lesson.”
It occured to me then that I am again under test! For the first time in three weeks that I was in pain I thought of the One who have been watching me my entire ordeal. After my successful second transplant attempt through His higher way, I thought I could walk on my own the rest of the journey through “mind over matter”. I let go of my hold on Him the way I did when I got frustrated during my first transplant attempt. I free myself from HIM in FRUSTRATION, I also free from Him after VICTORY! When will I ever learn? What else He WOULD not and COULD not do for me? He has saved me so many times in my life and yet I wanted to be free from Him each time for reason I did not fully understand then! In whatever emotional state as long as I could see MY OWN WAY OUT I detach from Him. My stubborn heart and my foolish dependence on what can be proven and tangible keeps me from fully comprehending that there is nothing in this earth that is not of Him. From the beating of my heart to the smallest sore I had was all His and in His control. And He used this to teach my heart the real meaning of the cliché that “I will never make it here on earth or in heaven without Him.” His reality and existence was too much for my human brain to grasp that is why I refuse to believe it! I thought I was already calling upon Him when I say a prayer but actually the prayer I say is just like a wishful thinking for someone that is unseen. as before praying I already had MY OWN plans. In His mercy and hard to comprehend love for me, He made my last forty days stay in the BMT unit an experience of His reality and His ever presence in my life.
For the nth time Jesus Christ called me again to “rest in Him”, and I responded the way I did before. Only this time I became aware that He had and has another invitation for me which I fail to hear before. A very soft invitation to “abide, live, dwell, endure, await, and stand firm with Him.” He opened my eyes to the truth, again my always spoken yet not heartfelt truth, that I JUST COULD NOT LIVE APART FROM HIM! I do have my choice not to, but His love for me would not stop Him from reaching me out until like a child I will fully LEARN.
In my present pain and in my present situation I am always attacked by the thought that I am an imbecile. MY human pride tempts me to feel useless to myself, my husband, kids and society. These thoughts always bring me down to melancholia. I am learning to counter it with God's words, with His command that "a man should remain in the situation where he is being called to.” In my daily reflections He always reminds me to “shield myself with faith, use His word as sword, protect my heart with His righteousness, and wore my shoes of humility.” all the time.
I don’t really know until when I will be like this. I don’t really know how He sees me to be of service to Him this way. All I know is it took Him years to polish “Joseph the dreamer” before He placed him to the fore. Joseph’s on his end just waited upon the Lord for he knew and understood completely that Jesus Christ’s way is the best way now and for always!He cheerfully served Him with the understanding that it is not the situation but the "hands" behind the situation (victory or frustration) that should be the focus of his attention!
Tomorrow is my 30th day since I was discharged from the hospital. They said that most patients get readmitted in two to three weeks time because of acquired infection or LBM and I am lucky to be one of the few who reached the one month and counting period. Post transplant, especially the first 120 days, is the most difficult part of all. Most of the patients I have talked to would rather bury the memory in the deepest recesses of their mind. Sometimes I have to do the same to be able to sleep but it seems that the constant pain in my back would not make me forget. For a week now my low back pain although tolerable is such a nuisance I can’t even sit long enough to read or do something else. If I force to sit down for a long time, the pain would shoot up at my nape area to my head. Three mornings ago I woke up unable to move my knees. They seemed to lock themselves and now give me discomfort to walk. I am not some sadist to enjoy all these but I am not complaining this time. I have been thru these pains and so much more . . .
What a way to celebrate the Easter Sunday of 2010, considering it was my first post transplant day. I happily announced to almost everyone that my ordeal was finally over. I successfully received and wholeheartedly accepted my sister’s bone marrow. I was just to wait for two to three weeks for the new bone marrow to engraft and produce the blood components I needed to survive. I was elated, euphoric even and I felt so free! I needed something to do, something that will help me on the days to come when the dreaded effects of chemo drugs and the possible start of GVHD will start. My goal was to defeat the physical symptoms through “mind over matter.” “Know your enemy”, I devoured books pertaining to medications and more. I acted as if I was back in med school. I thought I was ready to face my post transplant period ALONE but all my effort was vain for not one prepared me of what was to come.
My second week post transplant, my new bone marrow started to produce new blood cells. The same week I also woke up with one big, painful sore in my tongue. Forewarned I did not worry about it confident that though it was painful, it was tolerable. I am all set to experience this pain most post transplant were all so afraid about. Mind over matter, my mind was ready. The following day another sore came out, and since then everyday new one would just pop out of nowhere until my tongue became swollen it would come out of my mouth. I could not speak because of the pain and at night I could sleep as beside the pain saliva would flow up to my neck. Just with one sore it was painful enough, with every inch of tongue it was excruciatingly painful. The “one night popping” sore did not stop in the tongue. It grew also in my throat and I believe up to my anus because every time I excrete I writhe in pain. It would take me an hour plus buckets of sweat just to use the bathroom, which was more than five to six times a day. I could not eat; I could not speak because of severe pain 24 hours a day. I did my best to conquer the pain; I tried to suffer it all on my own! It was only at night that I could not hide the torture. As in my minutes of sleep I would dream that I was well playing with my children, and then the three of them would sit in my chest I could not breath I would moan in pain. My sister would wake me up always telling me I sound like in too much pain, to which I would answer I was just having a bad dream. Even my mind refused to accept that I was in pain.
Every day I waited for the doctor’s promise that the sore will go away one by one the way they came, instead it worsened. Everything that was given to me, from IV medication to per orem medication would cause severe abdominal pain. Even the simple magnesium and potassium that was supposed to be normal component of my body would make me crawl in my bed in pain. It felt like a sore rubbed with pepper, the "hotness" would creep into my skin and skin me alive. I stopped counting the coming weeks as the torture of my gut continued. I was already placed on TPN as I could not swallow anymore despite my willingness to.
For weeks they have been asking me if I wanted the pain management team to come in, but I would answer “I can take the pain; I have a very high threshold for pain.” I can make it, “mind over matter!” At this point in time I was the one who requested for the pain management team to come in. “I needed someone, anyone to abate the pain.” I was then hooked on fentanyl drip. Like a miracle it helped lessen the pain and the relief was such a pleasure I thought it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. The drip was under my own control, so I did not allow even a little discomfort as I would press it once I awakened so that not an atom of pain could touch me. The pain free feelings given by the fentanyl made me selfishly and horribly wish for death. I thought if my sickness will make live this kind of pain all the time then I would rather have swift one. The sleep the fentanyl was giving me an unimaginable relief, gave me so must rest I wanted to rest for good. I was in this state for almost a week, wanting nothing but relief, wishing for things to be always that comfortable. Not even the voice of my husband would take me away in my comfort zone. Not even the voices of my angels (my children) would stop me from continually dripping myself with the only thing that made me feel satisfied (fentanyl).
As their day of visit was always a Sunday, the last thing I would hear from them was we came from Sunday school and we have something for you. Work of art they do in Sunday school that I used to keep and cherish but that time did not matter anymore. Then one day my eldest, my “warrior” child, asked “mom why are you always asleep when we visit, are you still tired? Dad said you are not getting well? Don’t you want to get well anymore?” A seven year old, made to face the reality that his mom will not probably get well because she refuse to. It was my wake up call!
As a mother, I have been so selfish wishing for comfort. I have forgotten that they too (my little children) were made to make sacrifice of not having their mom long enough. I was so selfish I forgot that I promised that I will be with him on his 7th birthday, then on my second son’s 5th birthday. I promised that I will be there already before classes begin to tutor them in their homework. I promised that I would finish the make believe story of the three baboons which they love so much. I was so selfish I forgot that I have given them hope that I would return to them and we will do so many things together. I realized that their longing for a mother and the fear they harbour was so much torturing than my physical pain. The sacrifices they were forced to be in were so much more than mine it made me so ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my selfish wish for my own COMFORT I did not think of the other people hoping unceasingly that I would take courage and do my very best to return to them.
“It is only by frequent repetition that a child learns her lesson.”
It occured to me then that I am again under test! For the first time in three weeks that I was in pain I thought of the One who have been watching me my entire ordeal. After my successful second transplant attempt through His higher way, I thought I could walk on my own the rest of the journey through “mind over matter”. I let go of my hold on Him the way I did when I got frustrated during my first transplant attempt. I free myself from HIM in FRUSTRATION, I also free from Him after VICTORY! When will I ever learn? What else He WOULD not and COULD not do for me? He has saved me so many times in my life and yet I wanted to be free from Him each time for reason I did not fully understand then! In whatever emotional state as long as I could see MY OWN WAY OUT I detach from Him. My stubborn heart and my foolish dependence on what can be proven and tangible keeps me from fully comprehending that there is nothing in this earth that is not of Him. From the beating of my heart to the smallest sore I had was all His and in His control. And He used this to teach my heart the real meaning of the cliché that “I will never make it here on earth or in heaven without Him.” His reality and existence was too much for my human brain to grasp that is why I refuse to believe it! I thought I was already calling upon Him when I say a prayer but actually the prayer I say is just like a wishful thinking for someone that is unseen. as before praying I already had MY OWN plans. In His mercy and hard to comprehend love for me, He made my last forty days stay in the BMT unit an experience of His reality and His ever presence in my life.
For the nth time Jesus Christ called me again to “rest in Him”, and I responded the way I did before. Only this time I became aware that He had and has another invitation for me which I fail to hear before. A very soft invitation to “abide, live, dwell, endure, await, and stand firm with Him.” He opened my eyes to the truth, again my always spoken yet not heartfelt truth, that I JUST COULD NOT LIVE APART FROM HIM! I do have my choice not to, but His love for me would not stop Him from reaching me out until like a child I will fully LEARN.
In my present pain and in my present situation I am always attacked by the thought that I am an imbecile. MY human pride tempts me to feel useless to myself, my husband, kids and society. These thoughts always bring me down to melancholia. I am learning to counter it with God's words, with His command that "a man should remain in the situation where he is being called to.” In my daily reflections He always reminds me to “shield myself with faith, use His word as sword, protect my heart with His righteousness, and wore my shoes of humility.” all the time.
I don’t really know until when I will be like this. I don’t really know how He sees me to be of service to Him this way. All I know is it took Him years to polish “Joseph the dreamer” before He placed him to the fore. Joseph’s on his end just waited upon the Lord for he knew and understood completely that Jesus Christ’s way is the best way now and for always!He cheerfully served Him with the understanding that it is not the situation but the "hands" behind the situation (victory or frustration) that should be the focus of his attention!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Snatched Away . . . . Just Like That
Snatched Away . . . just like that!
by: Maria Ella Regondola-Cabanlet
May 28 2010 Friday 9:04 pm
Sleep eludes me again for three nights now, and forgetting my favourite borrowed dictum that “sleep is the only thing that I could not achieve by trying harder.” I try so hard to rest!
My mind keeps on marching back to March 30, 2010. On this date two very significant things were to happen. It was my eldest son’s 7th birthday and it was the date I was to have my bone marrow transplant. It was not me who chose the schedule that was why I gave significant “magical” meaning to it. I thought it was God’s greatest gift to my son, his mom’s new life on his own birth date.
The mixed affect was clear in the bone marrow transplant unit that date. All the staff nurses were there, the entire BMT team, the other specialist involved were just around the hospital premises, my husband was there, and I knew many people were saying prayers for me that day. My donor sister called me up early from her own hospital room telling me that it will just be a matter of hours and that God was with us. She was wheeled off to the operating room at seven AM, while I waited in my bed laconic. I was maybe anxious, despite mind setting, but I was full of hope for the second chance the Lord was giving me. I really felt like grasping Him and hugging Him only if He was tangible that time. My heart was full of ought of Him, there is no doubt in my mind that I will speak about Him the rest of my earthly life!
An hour later, I was given sedative/anxiolytic and was told that in 15 minutes time the transplant will start. Fighting off the effect of the sedative I felt that I was hooked to cardiac monitor, vital signs were checked, and the cardiology team came in giving the green sign that transplant maybe started. I saw my sister’s bone marrow; it looked like an ordinary blood only in a much bigger container and not as bright red as peripheral blood. The last thing the BMT team leader told me was that “everything will be fine, it was good thing your sister has big bones we were able to harvest 1.5 L when you only need 1.2 L.” Then they all went out of the unit and only two nurses and a hematology fellow were left inside.
I fell asleep. Then all of a sudden I felt something fell off my head. It hit so hard I thought my skull cracked! I thought the cardiac monitor fell off my head and I could not move! I tried to shout but no words would come out of my mouth. My hands were too weak to touch my head to feel it, and the nurse and doctor who were there seemed not to care something fell off my head. The severe crushing pain was followed by stab like pain in my chest, and then I heard them saying the BP is up! The pain in my chest became a pressure that seemed to suck the air out of my lungs. This time I gathered all my strength to get up as I coughed and coughed grasping for air. I noticed then that room was full of people asking “Can you now breathe? Are you feeling better? Please relax!” Groggy from the sedatives I did not exactly know what was happening, but through what I was hearing I gathered that I was rejecting my sister’s perfectly matched bone marrow. They said they never had anything like this before since though my sister is blood type “B” and I was blood type “O” it was not her blood that was being transfused but her bone marrow which was devoid of the blood elements that would cause an immediate rejection reaction. They gave room for the possibility that I was just too anxious for the procedure so they resumed. With each slow drop of the bone marrow my vital signs became paradoxical; with high BP I started having bradycardia. The procedure has to be terminated with less than three hundred cc infused of the required 1.2L! The BMT unit in my observation suddenly just turned gray.
From laconic I became mute and just slept for aside from being sedated I did not know how and what to feel. I was awakened the following day by my husband’s shaking saying I was perhaps having nightmare as he said I was groaning. MY SITUATION WAS INDEED A NIGHTMARE! In my mind I believed, that was it! Perhaps my time had really come. Without my sister’s bone marrow and with my own bone marrow eroded by the strong chemo drugs, I will just be waiting for my time. My husband holding my hand while on my bedside blabber about faith and trust in God while all the thoughts of acceptance of my near death played on my mind. I looked at him and wanted to tell him things but I really became mute that day. Even my tears won’t come out though I know I had pails and pails to shed. I could see him teary eyed but still faithful that God will continue what He had started me. My husband’s heart firmly believed that God will not bring us as far as admission at the BMT unit just to die there. Stephen’s faith was just too much I have to look away lest he will see that mine has been SNAPPED away by the devil already. And I allowed the devil to SNAP it away from me without a good fight.
Always my number one prayer warrior, my husband started praying at the top of his voice that moment as he felt I was holding my faith in a tiny string again. Inside the BMT unit he was praising and thanking the Lord for yesterday’s event. He was really at the top of his voice crying the nurses on duty had to come inside to see what was going on. But Stephen just continued praising and thanking God! I did not hear him pray that God let me survive even without transplant; instead he prayed that God would put back in me the faith I had that I will be healed. It was then that I started crying again for I remembered was it not just few hours prior to the aborted transplant I was ready to be God’s champion?! Was it not also the day before the transplant I clearly profess God’s goodness in my life when I made one of my articles? Where did it all go? Just one frustration I was ready to throw God out of the window! Forgetting all the other good things He has done for me, forgetting His love for me, and putting His faithfulness equal with my human faith. I was not angry with God though, I just lost the faith.
Clearly in that test of faith my human nature again won! My faith is determined by IMMEDIATE and FAVORABLE result. When it does not happen the way I hope for it to happen, I reduce the Lord to my level. If only the problem was financial I could have borrowed or asked from someone money, and considered that act (borrowing and asking) as God’s way of answering my prayer request. If only the problem was something I could do something about, something tangible, I would have done it myself and considered MY OWN actions as God’s way of answering my prayer. If only He made that transplant smooth sailing the way He did it to others my confidence in Him would have not faltered! I could not trust His promise of more years in my life that time because even my doctors went out of the unit with confused faces.
In retrospect though, it had to be that way. I have to be pushed against the wall where there is nothing anyone can do to make me understand what He really meant when He said that “His ways and thoughts are higher than mine”, “that He is faithful to finish the work that He started”, and that “He is the God of the impossible”. I have to be awakened from the fact that the faith in Him that I profess and boast about was skin deep and all lip service. My faith was so shallow that with simple presence of the devil, even without the devil taunting me, it fades away as quickly as I say it. Oh how easy for me to say God is good! How easy for me to say God will provide! And how easy for me to say God is merciful He will heal me! But when put to tests? I doubted Him and went back to my own old self seeing the Lord as someone with limitation. Good thing that God’s faithfulness is unlike mine! He did not leave me despite my doubt. He instead “provided me a way out of that temptation” not to call upon Him anymore. He sent my husband Stephen who I believe is always filled with the Holy Spirit when he prays, as in our nine years of marriage he always prays for the right thing even if it meant inconvenience for us all. He was on his knees not for my life but for a real faith to be seeded again in my heart.
God is faithful to finish every work He started in me. He brought me as far as the BMT unit, though my little faith then did not doubted it, He finished my transplant through the success of the second attempt. The second attempt was “miraculously” smooth as I slept the whole time and had normal vital signs. I was still constantly awakened by chest pain which make me shout “Jesus my greatest healer please hide me in the shadow of your love and protection” in my mind. With this simple prayer immediate relief of my chest pain would come. The second attempt of transplant was finished in three hours time, uneventful in God’s higher way! Ironically the successful transplant happened on an April fool’s day! On the flip side though, it was a Maundy Thursday, a day before the passion of Christ centuries ago. I did no longer see it as “magically significant day” rather it was His appointed time for my new life in Him.
The complication of my transplant right now is far more dangerous than the transplant itself. My new bone marrow is rejecting and attacking my liver. My liver profile results are thousands times higher than normal, and I am presently jaundiced. I still fear a lot of things; after all I am still a “doctor” and human being. The only difference now is that I don’t let the enemy snatch away my faith again just like that! I come to learn the secret weapon of knowing Jesus Christ by heart as the best armour to protect my faith. Among the books that I try to know by heart now, the one that contains the truth of who God really is, is the book that contains the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth, everyone knows this book!
I come to realize that in order for me to have a solid faith in Him, I must know Him first. Knowing Him is the beginning of wisdom!
by: Maria Ella Regondola-Cabanlet
May 28 2010 Friday 9:04 pm
Sleep eludes me again for three nights now, and forgetting my favourite borrowed dictum that “sleep is the only thing that I could not achieve by trying harder.” I try so hard to rest!
My mind keeps on marching back to March 30, 2010. On this date two very significant things were to happen. It was my eldest son’s 7th birthday and it was the date I was to have my bone marrow transplant. It was not me who chose the schedule that was why I gave significant “magical” meaning to it. I thought it was God’s greatest gift to my son, his mom’s new life on his own birth date.
The mixed affect was clear in the bone marrow transplant unit that date. All the staff nurses were there, the entire BMT team, the other specialist involved were just around the hospital premises, my husband was there, and I knew many people were saying prayers for me that day. My donor sister called me up early from her own hospital room telling me that it will just be a matter of hours and that God was with us. She was wheeled off to the operating room at seven AM, while I waited in my bed laconic. I was maybe anxious, despite mind setting, but I was full of hope for the second chance the Lord was giving me. I really felt like grasping Him and hugging Him only if He was tangible that time. My heart was full of ought of Him, there is no doubt in my mind that I will speak about Him the rest of my earthly life!
An hour later, I was given sedative/anxiolytic and was told that in 15 minutes time the transplant will start. Fighting off the effect of the sedative I felt that I was hooked to cardiac monitor, vital signs were checked, and the cardiology team came in giving the green sign that transplant maybe started. I saw my sister’s bone marrow; it looked like an ordinary blood only in a much bigger container and not as bright red as peripheral blood. The last thing the BMT team leader told me was that “everything will be fine, it was good thing your sister has big bones we were able to harvest 1.5 L when you only need 1.2 L.” Then they all went out of the unit and only two nurses and a hematology fellow were left inside.
I fell asleep. Then all of a sudden I felt something fell off my head. It hit so hard I thought my skull cracked! I thought the cardiac monitor fell off my head and I could not move! I tried to shout but no words would come out of my mouth. My hands were too weak to touch my head to feel it, and the nurse and doctor who were there seemed not to care something fell off my head. The severe crushing pain was followed by stab like pain in my chest, and then I heard them saying the BP is up! The pain in my chest became a pressure that seemed to suck the air out of my lungs. This time I gathered all my strength to get up as I coughed and coughed grasping for air. I noticed then that room was full of people asking “Can you now breathe? Are you feeling better? Please relax!” Groggy from the sedatives I did not exactly know what was happening, but through what I was hearing I gathered that I was rejecting my sister’s perfectly matched bone marrow. They said they never had anything like this before since though my sister is blood type “B” and I was blood type “O” it was not her blood that was being transfused but her bone marrow which was devoid of the blood elements that would cause an immediate rejection reaction. They gave room for the possibility that I was just too anxious for the procedure so they resumed. With each slow drop of the bone marrow my vital signs became paradoxical; with high BP I started having bradycardia. The procedure has to be terminated with less than three hundred cc infused of the required 1.2L! The BMT unit in my observation suddenly just turned gray.
From laconic I became mute and just slept for aside from being sedated I did not know how and what to feel. I was awakened the following day by my husband’s shaking saying I was perhaps having nightmare as he said I was groaning. MY SITUATION WAS INDEED A NIGHTMARE! In my mind I believed, that was it! Perhaps my time had really come. Without my sister’s bone marrow and with my own bone marrow eroded by the strong chemo drugs, I will just be waiting for my time. My husband holding my hand while on my bedside blabber about faith and trust in God while all the thoughts of acceptance of my near death played on my mind. I looked at him and wanted to tell him things but I really became mute that day. Even my tears won’t come out though I know I had pails and pails to shed. I could see him teary eyed but still faithful that God will continue what He had started me. My husband’s heart firmly believed that God will not bring us as far as admission at the BMT unit just to die there. Stephen’s faith was just too much I have to look away lest he will see that mine has been SNAPPED away by the devil already. And I allowed the devil to SNAP it away from me without a good fight.
Always my number one prayer warrior, my husband started praying at the top of his voice that moment as he felt I was holding my faith in a tiny string again. Inside the BMT unit he was praising and thanking the Lord for yesterday’s event. He was really at the top of his voice crying the nurses on duty had to come inside to see what was going on. But Stephen just continued praising and thanking God! I did not hear him pray that God let me survive even without transplant; instead he prayed that God would put back in me the faith I had that I will be healed. It was then that I started crying again for I remembered was it not just few hours prior to the aborted transplant I was ready to be God’s champion?! Was it not also the day before the transplant I clearly profess God’s goodness in my life when I made one of my articles? Where did it all go? Just one frustration I was ready to throw God out of the window! Forgetting all the other good things He has done for me, forgetting His love for me, and putting His faithfulness equal with my human faith. I was not angry with God though, I just lost the faith.
Clearly in that test of faith my human nature again won! My faith is determined by IMMEDIATE and FAVORABLE result. When it does not happen the way I hope for it to happen, I reduce the Lord to my level. If only the problem was financial I could have borrowed or asked from someone money, and considered that act (borrowing and asking) as God’s way of answering my prayer request. If only the problem was something I could do something about, something tangible, I would have done it myself and considered MY OWN actions as God’s way of answering my prayer. If only He made that transplant smooth sailing the way He did it to others my confidence in Him would have not faltered! I could not trust His promise of more years in my life that time because even my doctors went out of the unit with confused faces.
In retrospect though, it had to be that way. I have to be pushed against the wall where there is nothing anyone can do to make me understand what He really meant when He said that “His ways and thoughts are higher than mine”, “that He is faithful to finish the work that He started”, and that “He is the God of the impossible”. I have to be awakened from the fact that the faith in Him that I profess and boast about was skin deep and all lip service. My faith was so shallow that with simple presence of the devil, even without the devil taunting me, it fades away as quickly as I say it. Oh how easy for me to say God is good! How easy for me to say God will provide! And how easy for me to say God is merciful He will heal me! But when put to tests? I doubted Him and went back to my own old self seeing the Lord as someone with limitation. Good thing that God’s faithfulness is unlike mine! He did not leave me despite my doubt. He instead “provided me a way out of that temptation” not to call upon Him anymore. He sent my husband Stephen who I believe is always filled with the Holy Spirit when he prays, as in our nine years of marriage he always prays for the right thing even if it meant inconvenience for us all. He was on his knees not for my life but for a real faith to be seeded again in my heart.
God is faithful to finish every work He started in me. He brought me as far as the BMT unit, though my little faith then did not doubted it, He finished my transplant through the success of the second attempt. The second attempt was “miraculously” smooth as I slept the whole time and had normal vital signs. I was still constantly awakened by chest pain which make me shout “Jesus my greatest healer please hide me in the shadow of your love and protection” in my mind. With this simple prayer immediate relief of my chest pain would come. The second attempt of transplant was finished in three hours time, uneventful in God’s higher way! Ironically the successful transplant happened on an April fool’s day! On the flip side though, it was a Maundy Thursday, a day before the passion of Christ centuries ago. I did no longer see it as “magically significant day” rather it was His appointed time for my new life in Him.
The complication of my transplant right now is far more dangerous than the transplant itself. My new bone marrow is rejecting and attacking my liver. My liver profile results are thousands times higher than normal, and I am presently jaundiced. I still fear a lot of things; after all I am still a “doctor” and human being. The only difference now is that I don’t let the enemy snatch away my faith again just like that! I come to learn the secret weapon of knowing Jesus Christ by heart as the best armour to protect my faith. Among the books that I try to know by heart now, the one that contains the truth of who God really is, is the book that contains the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth, everyone knows this book!
I come to realize that in order for me to have a solid faith in Him, I must know Him first. Knowing Him is the beginning of wisdom!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Hibernating
Tuesday, May 18, 2010 at 10:34pm
I have tried so many times to write everything that comes into my mind but I could not organize them into something that would make sense. So unlike me rather, as my mind and my finger tips are blessed with coordination, expressing my thoughts and emotions is not a difficult task for me. It kind a scare me as I seem to lose it. I was told by my doctors that this is just one of the many “necessary evils” of all the things that I have been through for the past months. If “lucky” enough I will regain the speed of my neuronal processing shorter than three months, if not I might as well start mental exercises to at least make sure that it will return.
This is my 7th day after discharge, 48th day post transplant. Home indeed, but still away from my well longed husband and kids. The rules are: get out of the room only when necessary, wear triple mask at all times, eat in the room, change and clean everything in the room everyday, never eat uncooked or even just half cooked food, never have visitor, and most of all rest all you can. Where I am now is a miniature St. Luke’s that I don’t have to pay millions. With the help of one house help I monitor my own vital signs, clean my own chest wounds, measure my own input and output, and compute for my own daily calorie and protein intake and make sure that I take all my medications on time ( I take at least 14 kinds of medications now TID) . At this point is the reason why maybe the Lord made me what I am by profession. I don’t have to pay for a private nurse that will surely add up to our financial burden.
I think I am the most unattractive creature anybody can lay their eyes upon right now. Bald to till head skin, it’s like being waxed everyday it looks to me that my hair has no chance of growing back again and not even a single hair survived! My skin burnt to black! There is nothing that covers me that is not burnt by the chemo drugs. And because of the immune suppressants (cell cept and prednisone at high doses) that I am taking my muscles (especially my leg muscles) are wasting! Imagine Mr. Incredible? That is how my body is proportioned right now. Nothing hurts though only my pride, and I am very thankful I don’t feel weak. At this point is the reason why maybe the Lord genetically endowed me with body that has resistant fats. As my nutritionist told me, my reserved fats along with antibiotics protected me from having sepsis again during those times that I was febrile and could not eat anything. The exercise resistant fats that I used to hate so much were there for a reason.
My first three days at home was as senseless as my chaotic mind. I do not know what to do with my time. I pace around till I got tired enough to just fall asleep, read without understanding single line of what I was reading. I tried provoking myself to anger or just irritability by watching news and awaken any emotion at all. I used to get angry and stress myself out when I hear not so good news, but in my first three days home even the results of election had no effect on me. It is hard fact to accept that I think I am actually being apathetic! I felt little excitement on my way home after discharge but when I arrived here at home, the emotional “blank” returned. Indeed the forefathers of psychiatry found a great discovery when they said that when someone is subjected long enough to pain and suffering the result would be that they become “meek”. Even though they have mind of their own they lose the emotional energy to fight back. Like trained dog that would jump and pick up stick without knowing the logic. Like domestic animal that would be slaughtered also not knowing the logic of it.
I thought I already need professional help. I have been handling myself emotionally and psychologically since my diagnosis in September last year, and logic is now telling me I am no longer seeing the entire picture. Mind you I do not meet any criteria of Axis I psychiatric diagnosis but as I have said maybe I am not seeing it as I should.
A day or two ago, I just decided to pick a book. The first thing I noticed was the famous line “TO EVERYTHING THERE IS SEASON, A TIME FOR EVERY PURPOSE IN HEAVEN: A TIME TO BE BORN, AND A TIME TO DIE”. It surprised me that this line was JFK’s favourite words of wisdom, learned from the wisest man who ever walked on this earth, King Solomon himself! The King in his lowest moment (severely depressed if I am to make a diagnosis) in Ecclesiastes saw vanity in everything despite what he had and what he was capable of. For some reason it made me feel good, for even the wisest king and a great US president had been through dark times. They knew the wisdom that they could not stop bad things from happening and that many things are beyond their control despite their position and power. Only God can truly decide what will happen. Truly sun and rain comes to all and it will come on time appointed if it is line with a purpose in heaven!
At that moment great insight came to me that I am not having any psychiatric issue but rather I am in HIBERNATION. I don’t exactly know what happens emotionally to animals that hibernate but what I knew is that they have to hibernate to ensure survival from hostile environment for some time. My “apathy”, a very bad thing for psychiatrist, has to happen to make sure that my soul is empty enough to absorb new and better emotions. How will I be able to be happy again when resentment over possible lost career, lost physical beauty, lost physical strength and all loses a cancer survivor (more so a transplant patient) could ever think of will loom over me all the time? I am being thought a lot of new things right now. I am in the process of stripping myself of my learned behaviour I have been practicing for the past 37 years. I would like to consider myself asleep from my old self, to be cleansed thoroughly.
This hibernation is God’s way of protecting me from my human nature. If allowed to be out in the world where I have been prior to my leukemia, I will be eaten up again by my own need to compete, to be successful, be praised and ultimately be envied. It is my realization now that even those wants hides no logic, only good feelings. Addicting a good feeling that has driven me on the verge of real weariness without realizing it! And I now believe that this contributed heavily on my leukemia. With weariness came the worst feeling of all “envy” on other people’s good fortune. Then the cycle return, more achievement should be accomplished. I believe those times were more tiring than being on hospital bed for months and months. And God in His infinite wisdom He knows that I will put Him second or third or worst, even forget all about Him again when He let me get out of this situation easily. I am still isolated because I am not ready to face the world. After all I would not want my leukemia to amount to nothing! The experience was tragically wonderful I would not want to waste it. In my every solitude He strengthens every aspect of my being and I am just so thankful for it!
Now is my season to master the more important thing in my life, my walk in faith and full trust in Jesus, and if I still have a purpose for heaven here on earth, that time too shall come!!!
I have tried so many times to write everything that comes into my mind but I could not organize them into something that would make sense. So unlike me rather, as my mind and my finger tips are blessed with coordination, expressing my thoughts and emotions is not a difficult task for me. It kind a scare me as I seem to lose it. I was told by my doctors that this is just one of the many “necessary evils” of all the things that I have been through for the past months. If “lucky” enough I will regain the speed of my neuronal processing shorter than three months, if not I might as well start mental exercises to at least make sure that it will return.
This is my 7th day after discharge, 48th day post transplant. Home indeed, but still away from my well longed husband and kids. The rules are: get out of the room only when necessary, wear triple mask at all times, eat in the room, change and clean everything in the room everyday, never eat uncooked or even just half cooked food, never have visitor, and most of all rest all you can. Where I am now is a miniature St. Luke’s that I don’t have to pay millions. With the help of one house help I monitor my own vital signs, clean my own chest wounds, measure my own input and output, and compute for my own daily calorie and protein intake and make sure that I take all my medications on time ( I take at least 14 kinds of medications now TID) . At this point is the reason why maybe the Lord made me what I am by profession. I don’t have to pay for a private nurse that will surely add up to our financial burden.
I think I am the most unattractive creature anybody can lay their eyes upon right now. Bald to till head skin, it’s like being waxed everyday it looks to me that my hair has no chance of growing back again and not even a single hair survived! My skin burnt to black! There is nothing that covers me that is not burnt by the chemo drugs. And because of the immune suppressants (cell cept and prednisone at high doses) that I am taking my muscles (especially my leg muscles) are wasting! Imagine Mr. Incredible? That is how my body is proportioned right now. Nothing hurts though only my pride, and I am very thankful I don’t feel weak. At this point is the reason why maybe the Lord genetically endowed me with body that has resistant fats. As my nutritionist told me, my reserved fats along with antibiotics protected me from having sepsis again during those times that I was febrile and could not eat anything. The exercise resistant fats that I used to hate so much were there for a reason.
My first three days at home was as senseless as my chaotic mind. I do not know what to do with my time. I pace around till I got tired enough to just fall asleep, read without understanding single line of what I was reading. I tried provoking myself to anger or just irritability by watching news and awaken any emotion at all. I used to get angry and stress myself out when I hear not so good news, but in my first three days home even the results of election had no effect on me. It is hard fact to accept that I think I am actually being apathetic! I felt little excitement on my way home after discharge but when I arrived here at home, the emotional “blank” returned. Indeed the forefathers of psychiatry found a great discovery when they said that when someone is subjected long enough to pain and suffering the result would be that they become “meek”. Even though they have mind of their own they lose the emotional energy to fight back. Like trained dog that would jump and pick up stick without knowing the logic. Like domestic animal that would be slaughtered also not knowing the logic of it.
I thought I already need professional help. I have been handling myself emotionally and psychologically since my diagnosis in September last year, and logic is now telling me I am no longer seeing the entire picture. Mind you I do not meet any criteria of Axis I psychiatric diagnosis but as I have said maybe I am not seeing it as I should.
A day or two ago, I just decided to pick a book. The first thing I noticed was the famous line “TO EVERYTHING THERE IS SEASON, A TIME FOR EVERY PURPOSE IN HEAVEN: A TIME TO BE BORN, AND A TIME TO DIE”. It surprised me that this line was JFK’s favourite words of wisdom, learned from the wisest man who ever walked on this earth, King Solomon himself! The King in his lowest moment (severely depressed if I am to make a diagnosis) in Ecclesiastes saw vanity in everything despite what he had and what he was capable of. For some reason it made me feel good, for even the wisest king and a great US president had been through dark times. They knew the wisdom that they could not stop bad things from happening and that many things are beyond their control despite their position and power. Only God can truly decide what will happen. Truly sun and rain comes to all and it will come on time appointed if it is line with a purpose in heaven!
At that moment great insight came to me that I am not having any psychiatric issue but rather I am in HIBERNATION. I don’t exactly know what happens emotionally to animals that hibernate but what I knew is that they have to hibernate to ensure survival from hostile environment for some time. My “apathy”, a very bad thing for psychiatrist, has to happen to make sure that my soul is empty enough to absorb new and better emotions. How will I be able to be happy again when resentment over possible lost career, lost physical beauty, lost physical strength and all loses a cancer survivor (more so a transplant patient) could ever think of will loom over me all the time? I am being thought a lot of new things right now. I am in the process of stripping myself of my learned behaviour I have been practicing for the past 37 years. I would like to consider myself asleep from my old self, to be cleansed thoroughly.
This hibernation is God’s way of protecting me from my human nature. If allowed to be out in the world where I have been prior to my leukemia, I will be eaten up again by my own need to compete, to be successful, be praised and ultimately be envied. It is my realization now that even those wants hides no logic, only good feelings. Addicting a good feeling that has driven me on the verge of real weariness without realizing it! And I now believe that this contributed heavily on my leukemia. With weariness came the worst feeling of all “envy” on other people’s good fortune. Then the cycle return, more achievement should be accomplished. I believe those times were more tiring than being on hospital bed for months and months. And God in His infinite wisdom He knows that I will put Him second or third or worst, even forget all about Him again when He let me get out of this situation easily. I am still isolated because I am not ready to face the world. After all I would not want my leukemia to amount to nothing! The experience was tragically wonderful I would not want to waste it. In my every solitude He strengthens every aspect of my being and I am just so thankful for it!
Now is my season to master the more important thing in my life, my walk in faith and full trust in Jesus, and if I still have a purpose for heaven here on earth, that time too shall come!!!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
The Road to Four Million
I feel like I am in “de- ja- vu”. I had this same experience during my first cycle of chemotherapy, only now, the “roasting” is a lot worst than before. I feel like I am under the desert sun without clothes on. My finger tips are almost numb now because of the pain it had been through for days. I am at “rest” from the chemo drug today because tomorrow, my one and only loving sister, will do her unselfish act of giving me her “bone marrow”.
Emotionally I don’t know how I am. I guess it is pretty much of a “de-ja-vu” also. I remember the mixed feelings I had back then as memory of my husband making a lot of calls, drafting several appeal letters, going to and from my office as he started to look for the four point two million I needed. Many people indeed responded! His phone never stopped ringing, internet messages flocked with so many promises of help and encouragement. It seemed like everyone was suddenly awakened with enthusiasm to do this and that project to be able to help us financially. These people giving us hope really gave us encouragement. Each time my husband and I talked, his smile became brighter and brighter as he would relate to me how this and that person responded positively to his appeal. I finally gave up wallowing and gave in to the same hope that my disease was not a death sentence but just another sea to cross together as man and wife. A test if love will still be there when attraction and other tangible and physical aspects are removed.
December came, my transplant schedule was given but for some reason it did not push through. My husband gave me several reasons for the delay but assured me that it was not for financial reasons. The delay was horrific! Leukemia cells are one of the fastest growing cancer cells ever known thus my fate was literally just a fate. The pain from a weekly bone marrow aspirate became part of my strictly limited activity. But I did not mind the pain knowing I will be able to see and interact with someone else in the hospital. A pleasure I did not know til then. The bone marrow aspirate has to be done to monitor the leukemic cells. It was eerie and so so sad when the aspirate result came bad again in late December. It was new years eve, I have to be on chemo drugs, away from home and my three little precious ones. Will this be my last new year? But I have to be a “steel” in all of these.
Steel is not the hardest metal on earth! Knowing the truth of the reason why my transplant was being delayed was FINANCIAL brought me in agony of doubt and despair. Where were the people who promised? It was just two months prior when they were all over us! My good husband who was the bare witness of my physical and emotional difficulty saved me from some more by keeping from me the fact that we could not even pay for the down payment yet. But as I have said, the ordeal is for both of us and I will not be protected from reality. It was in mid January when I learned of the fact. My “marine” Major husband, stripped off with rank, has to line up in different institution to ask for financial assistance so as to keep the mother of his children alive even for a year or five. It was not flattering, I felt his humiliation and it cut me deeply. The hurt was too much I started asking myself “am I asking so much from him? Am I being selfish?” If I die right there and then it would be easier for him and the children. He would not experience the unkind and unnecessary words from different office secretary or personnel. He would not hear the doubting words of “mistah’s” whom he thought knew how important dignity for him is, that he was doing this to raise money for personal use. It just hurts more than too much to see your respected husband devaluated for your sake. But his answer to me was simply “ in sickness and health” and it was enough for me.
Frustration was all he has on the people behind the offices whom he thought could help him but barely extended help. Despite this, he still saw himself favored as several other people line up in the same offices the whole day for their meager 1 thousand pesos, while he gets at least five thousand pesos.
Our faith has been tested. Now it’s time to learn about God’s timing. The Orchestrator of all things would not simply let go of what He started. Another schedule was given and this time no barrier should stop it otherwise transplant would be futile. Everyday for the succeeding days he meet a lot of unexpected people used by God to guide his way. People in the military most of them have been through a lot and survived also, the real friends that we had and people we barely know were the ones touched by the Lord to contribute in finding the two million down payment. The PDI story published in God’s time (February 14, 2010) was one of our gateway also. It was so amazing that people would respond to such an appeal. I did not know how, but I believe it is these people’s own walk with the Lord that made them commit. Who in the world would just give someone a hundred thousand pesos and would not have their names given?! All I can say is that the faith of my husband must not be ignored in this turn of the event. The same faith I am learning as I stay alone in my 17 degree temp room at St. Luke’s hospital.
We are still ¼ away from completing our road to four million. And just like any other roads we expect twist and turns and crossroads along the way. Along with each turn comes our emotional response to each of the event. With prayer we hope for the right responses on everything at all times.
“Thus far the Lord has helped us” 1 Samuel 7:12.
Emotionally I don’t know how I am. I guess it is pretty much of a “de-ja-vu” also. I remember the mixed feelings I had back then as memory of my husband making a lot of calls, drafting several appeal letters, going to and from my office as he started to look for the four point two million I needed. Many people indeed responded! His phone never stopped ringing, internet messages flocked with so many promises of help and encouragement. It seemed like everyone was suddenly awakened with enthusiasm to do this and that project to be able to help us financially. These people giving us hope really gave us encouragement. Each time my husband and I talked, his smile became brighter and brighter as he would relate to me how this and that person responded positively to his appeal. I finally gave up wallowing and gave in to the same hope that my disease was not a death sentence but just another sea to cross together as man and wife. A test if love will still be there when attraction and other tangible and physical aspects are removed.
December came, my transplant schedule was given but for some reason it did not push through. My husband gave me several reasons for the delay but assured me that it was not for financial reasons. The delay was horrific! Leukemia cells are one of the fastest growing cancer cells ever known thus my fate was literally just a fate. The pain from a weekly bone marrow aspirate became part of my strictly limited activity. But I did not mind the pain knowing I will be able to see and interact with someone else in the hospital. A pleasure I did not know til then. The bone marrow aspirate has to be done to monitor the leukemic cells. It was eerie and so so sad when the aspirate result came bad again in late December. It was new years eve, I have to be on chemo drugs, away from home and my three little precious ones. Will this be my last new year? But I have to be a “steel” in all of these.
Steel is not the hardest metal on earth! Knowing the truth of the reason why my transplant was being delayed was FINANCIAL brought me in agony of doubt and despair. Where were the people who promised? It was just two months prior when they were all over us! My good husband who was the bare witness of my physical and emotional difficulty saved me from some more by keeping from me the fact that we could not even pay for the down payment yet. But as I have said, the ordeal is for both of us and I will not be protected from reality. It was in mid January when I learned of the fact. My “marine” Major husband, stripped off with rank, has to line up in different institution to ask for financial assistance so as to keep the mother of his children alive even for a year or five. It was not flattering, I felt his humiliation and it cut me deeply. The hurt was too much I started asking myself “am I asking so much from him? Am I being selfish?” If I die right there and then it would be easier for him and the children. He would not experience the unkind and unnecessary words from different office secretary or personnel. He would not hear the doubting words of “mistah’s” whom he thought knew how important dignity for him is, that he was doing this to raise money for personal use. It just hurts more than too much to see your respected husband devaluated for your sake. But his answer to me was simply “ in sickness and health” and it was enough for me.
Frustration was all he has on the people behind the offices whom he thought could help him but barely extended help. Despite this, he still saw himself favored as several other people line up in the same offices the whole day for their meager 1 thousand pesos, while he gets at least five thousand pesos.
Our faith has been tested. Now it’s time to learn about God’s timing. The Orchestrator of all things would not simply let go of what He started. Another schedule was given and this time no barrier should stop it otherwise transplant would be futile. Everyday for the succeeding days he meet a lot of unexpected people used by God to guide his way. People in the military most of them have been through a lot and survived also, the real friends that we had and people we barely know were the ones touched by the Lord to contribute in finding the two million down payment. The PDI story published in God’s time (February 14, 2010) was one of our gateway also. It was so amazing that people would respond to such an appeal. I did not know how, but I believe it is these people’s own walk with the Lord that made them commit. Who in the world would just give someone a hundred thousand pesos and would not have their names given?! All I can say is that the faith of my husband must not be ignored in this turn of the event. The same faith I am learning as I stay alone in my 17 degree temp room at St. Luke’s hospital.
We are still ¼ away from completing our road to four million. And just like any other roads we expect twist and turns and crossroads along the way. Along with each turn comes our emotional response to each of the event. With prayer we hope for the right responses on everything at all times.
“Thus far the Lord has helped us” 1 Samuel 7:12.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
From the Inside
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 at 6:11pm
Finally I am now admitted at the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit of St. Luke's Medical Center. The agony of waiting is now being paid with a reward.
Alone in the room, I had the glimpse of the day I received the worst news in my life. In retrospect, that day was not all bad news after all. The hope that I might have a chance to surpass the "usual six months" of a leukemia patient was given to us when our hematologist told us about the life saving procedure called "Bone Marrow Transplant". Our hematologist from Baguio said that the procedure that costs "about 4" has been done successfully here at SLMC. I asked her "Dr. 4? you mean 4 hundred thousand?" Her reply was " no no no. It's 4 MILLION pesos!" . . . .I felt like a child whose chocolate has been taken away!
I did not know who cried harder, me or my husband. Even if we both cash advance our salary until our 100 years service we will never be able to get hold of that amount. The amount was just too impossible for us to raise. We did not know how to react, we both just sat down hugging each other from time to time. In my mind I was already preparing what to say to the children, how to say it without compromising their psychological milieu. "Murag gakumoton ang akong kasing kasing!" How will you tell a 6,5 and 1 year old that you will be gone forever?! Sleep did not visit me that night, as I realized I spent very little time with my children being in the hospital always. I felt sorry for them and angry with myself for not having the foresight that death could come to anyone and "age does not matter". I have accepted the fact that indeed I will be one of the many victims of leukemia. That my children will be like one of those insecure children that takes therapy session with me. I could never tell how painful it was!
We wallowed in our loneliness for days. I could see the pain in my husbands eyes. I know he wanted to appease me but he couldn't as he himself needs to be appeased. We were both hurting so much for our children we did not know how to go about it. I wanted to console him but I don't know how. I wanted to tell him I will be okay but then I would be lying. It was like getting caught in a maze, there is no way out for us. . . the prize was 4 MILLION PESOS.
My husband and I, we both believe that life is mastered by a Supreme Being who bless man's endeavor if it is in line with His perfect plan. Stephen who have been in many battles went above his weeping and just said "in a battle as long as the officer is still alive there is always hope that the troop will win." I wanted to believe him that time, but his high hopes was not contagious enough to uplift me. 4 MILLION PESOS WAS STILL 4 MILLION PESOS, nothing can reduce the price that I literally have to pay to save my life.
I am tired now! More to come tomorrow after O.R. if the Hickman catheter that will be placed in my chest will not hurt that bad. Tomorrow is officially my first day, today was just for my laboratories. Platelet is being prepared to be transfused for me as my platelet now is only 95.
Finally I am now admitted at the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit of St. Luke's Medical Center. The agony of waiting is now being paid with a reward.
Alone in the room, I had the glimpse of the day I received the worst news in my life. In retrospect, that day was not all bad news after all. The hope that I might have a chance to surpass the "usual six months" of a leukemia patient was given to us when our hematologist told us about the life saving procedure called "Bone Marrow Transplant". Our hematologist from Baguio said that the procedure that costs "about 4" has been done successfully here at SLMC. I asked her "Dr. 4? you mean 4 hundred thousand?" Her reply was " no no no. It's 4 MILLION pesos!" . . . .I felt like a child whose chocolate has been taken away!
I did not know who cried harder, me or my husband. Even if we both cash advance our salary until our 100 years service we will never be able to get hold of that amount. The amount was just too impossible for us to raise. We did not know how to react, we both just sat down hugging each other from time to time. In my mind I was already preparing what to say to the children, how to say it without compromising their psychological milieu. "Murag gakumoton ang akong kasing kasing!" How will you tell a 6,5 and 1 year old that you will be gone forever?! Sleep did not visit me that night, as I realized I spent very little time with my children being in the hospital always. I felt sorry for them and angry with myself for not having the foresight that death could come to anyone and "age does not matter". I have accepted the fact that indeed I will be one of the many victims of leukemia. That my children will be like one of those insecure children that takes therapy session with me. I could never tell how painful it was!
We wallowed in our loneliness for days. I could see the pain in my husbands eyes. I know he wanted to appease me but he couldn't as he himself needs to be appeased. We were both hurting so much for our children we did not know how to go about it. I wanted to console him but I don't know how. I wanted to tell him I will be okay but then I would be lying. It was like getting caught in a maze, there is no way out for us. . . the prize was 4 MILLION PESOS.
My husband and I, we both believe that life is mastered by a Supreme Being who bless man's endeavor if it is in line with His perfect plan. Stephen who have been in many battles went above his weeping and just said "in a battle as long as the officer is still alive there is always hope that the troop will win." I wanted to believe him that time, but his high hopes was not contagious enough to uplift me. 4 MILLION PESOS WAS STILL 4 MILLION PESOS, nothing can reduce the price that I literally have to pay to save my life.
I am tired now! More to come tomorrow after O.R. if the Hickman catheter that will be placed in my chest will not hurt that bad. Tomorrow is officially my first day, today was just for my laboratories. Platelet is being prepared to be transfused for me as my platelet now is only 95.
Its My Time Now
Tuesday, March 16, 2010 at 3:10pm
Since the day that I was sentenced to live my life differently, it has been my husband who corresponded to friends and acquaintances in my behalf. Very much like a Press Relation Officer he accounted every detail of what was going on. I thought he was indeed talking about me. But as I try to profile all the writings he did, from the appeals up to the one published in the PDI, I realized that the only thing about me there was the sickness. Every single letter he wrote was his experience and not mine. I am writing this because I believe that those who walked with us in this journey deserved to benefit from my experience.
I am in my last few months of Residency Training in Psychiatry. I already had my plans of going back to CDO, in fact I already talked to the lone psychiatrist there and he already told me that he would fix everything so that once I got there I would not have difficulty in finding client/patients. The cash register in my mind would no longer stop computing the amount I would get out of it. My husband and I thought that this is it! The Lord was finally blessing us and giving us our hearts desire.
When everything was just a grasp away, it was snatched! I was told that I have an Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. My hematologist congratulated me for not breaking down in front of her, she even acknowledged my being a psychiatrist as a BIG help in my dignified acceptance of my fate. That line was a joke as until now if i recall that judgment day I still have the feeling of wanting to crawl back in my mother's womb to be born again so that I could take a different path. It was that hard to accept!
The biggest question that filled my mind in the 47 days that I stayed in the hospital was "why now?" Why not when I was still single when I don't have a husband and children to think about. Why not when I did not have a clear path to take in terms of my career. Why wait until I am about to reap the fruits of my labor in my career. This questions shook my faith! I did not want to go on anymore because it will be useless to go against God's wishes. I lost the faith that He would want me to succeed in this lifetime. I blocked all communication to others by not accepting visitors, changing my sim and just allowing my husband to deal with everything and everyone. I felt bitter and angry and envious of my fellow graduating residents who are making their rounds on their last few months of training. I should have been like that!
Two or three of our close friends asked in the text "di ba malakas kayo mag dasal?". This statement toppled my already shaking faith. I succumbed to depression specially upon seeing myself ripped off with physical prowess. Bald and weak, unable to do the simple task of going to the bathroom I could not imagine anything worse than that. I got tired of fighting the torturing effects of the chemo drugs my body gave in to sepsis. I was always staring blankly and only the voices of my children could make me come back into the room.
My body was resting during my septic days (I could not feel anything anymore) but my mind was full of "memories". So many things that happened in the past good and bad crossed my mind just floating here and there. So many of them but worth mentioning was my recall of the time when my husband and I prayed to the Lord for water as it has been week that our quarters had no water. Our money then was only a hundred peso as we had water delivery thrice that week. That night the rain poured and three drums were filled with water. I was expecting that the Lord's answer to our prayer was someone would lend or give us money so water can be delivered. But we did not received any money. What He gave us was what we prayed for WATER! The Lord's way is just different from our way.
Considering the mortality rate of sepsis, I did not die! The sepsis was God's miracle! It was His way of telling me that I am more than blessed. He showed me that He had already surrounded me with the things I needed to surpass the test He is giving me right now. He gave me a husband who lives up to the meaning of his name Stephen (God's martyr). My husband had never left my side from day one up to now not minding what will happen to the career he dearly loved. He blessed me with children so sweet they gave me reason to live.
As to the question why now? If my disease happened before I would not have a husband who would be the channel to produce the enormous amount of 4.2M. If my disease happened when i did not have my Bitoy, Balot and Bilog yet, I would not brave the pains of chemotherapy that feels like a torture. There is nothing a mother would not do for her children, even to bargain with the Lord for more years and set aside the possibility that it was already God's appointed time. It also happened now as the last part of my training in psychiatry. The good Lord has made me experience how it is to be a patient so that I could empathize better with my patients.
The Lord has given me a lot! He has walked with me the entire time. I thought I was also walking with Him. I have to have a Leukemia so that I would walk with Him closer. . .
I will be posting more notes as tomorrow I will be admitted already for the bone marrow transplant. It is a month long procedure that I plan to share with everyone.
Since the day that I was sentenced to live my life differently, it has been my husband who corresponded to friends and acquaintances in my behalf. Very much like a Press Relation Officer he accounted every detail of what was going on. I thought he was indeed talking about me. But as I try to profile all the writings he did, from the appeals up to the one published in the PDI, I realized that the only thing about me there was the sickness. Every single letter he wrote was his experience and not mine. I am writing this because I believe that those who walked with us in this journey deserved to benefit from my experience.
I am in my last few months of Residency Training in Psychiatry. I already had my plans of going back to CDO, in fact I already talked to the lone psychiatrist there and he already told me that he would fix everything so that once I got there I would not have difficulty in finding client/patients. The cash register in my mind would no longer stop computing the amount I would get out of it. My husband and I thought that this is it! The Lord was finally blessing us and giving us our hearts desire.
When everything was just a grasp away, it was snatched! I was told that I have an Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. My hematologist congratulated me for not breaking down in front of her, she even acknowledged my being a psychiatrist as a BIG help in my dignified acceptance of my fate. That line was a joke as until now if i recall that judgment day I still have the feeling of wanting to crawl back in my mother's womb to be born again so that I could take a different path. It was that hard to accept!
The biggest question that filled my mind in the 47 days that I stayed in the hospital was "why now?" Why not when I was still single when I don't have a husband and children to think about. Why not when I did not have a clear path to take in terms of my career. Why wait until I am about to reap the fruits of my labor in my career. This questions shook my faith! I did not want to go on anymore because it will be useless to go against God's wishes. I lost the faith that He would want me to succeed in this lifetime. I blocked all communication to others by not accepting visitors, changing my sim and just allowing my husband to deal with everything and everyone. I felt bitter and angry and envious of my fellow graduating residents who are making their rounds on their last few months of training. I should have been like that!
Two or three of our close friends asked in the text "di ba malakas kayo mag dasal?". This statement toppled my already shaking faith. I succumbed to depression specially upon seeing myself ripped off with physical prowess. Bald and weak, unable to do the simple task of going to the bathroom I could not imagine anything worse than that. I got tired of fighting the torturing effects of the chemo drugs my body gave in to sepsis. I was always staring blankly and only the voices of my children could make me come back into the room.
My body was resting during my septic days (I could not feel anything anymore) but my mind was full of "memories". So many things that happened in the past good and bad crossed my mind just floating here and there. So many of them but worth mentioning was my recall of the time when my husband and I prayed to the Lord for water as it has been week that our quarters had no water. Our money then was only a hundred peso as we had water delivery thrice that week. That night the rain poured and three drums were filled with water. I was expecting that the Lord's answer to our prayer was someone would lend or give us money so water can be delivered. But we did not received any money. What He gave us was what we prayed for WATER! The Lord's way is just different from our way.
Considering the mortality rate of sepsis, I did not die! The sepsis was God's miracle! It was His way of telling me that I am more than blessed. He showed me that He had already surrounded me with the things I needed to surpass the test He is giving me right now. He gave me a husband who lives up to the meaning of his name Stephen (God's martyr). My husband had never left my side from day one up to now not minding what will happen to the career he dearly loved. He blessed me with children so sweet they gave me reason to live.
As to the question why now? If my disease happened before I would not have a husband who would be the channel to produce the enormous amount of 4.2M. If my disease happened when i did not have my Bitoy, Balot and Bilog yet, I would not brave the pains of chemotherapy that feels like a torture. There is nothing a mother would not do for her children, even to bargain with the Lord for more years and set aside the possibility that it was already God's appointed time. It also happened now as the last part of my training in psychiatry. The good Lord has made me experience how it is to be a patient so that I could empathize better with my patients.
The Lord has given me a lot! He has walked with me the entire time. I thought I was also walking with Him. I have to have a Leukemia so that I would walk with Him closer. . .
I will be posting more notes as tomorrow I will be admitted already for the bone marrow transplant. It is a month long procedure that I plan to share with everyone.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
"my charm" was crying
i called up my kids this morning to see if everything was ready as my two older kids will travel tonight to see me on my birthday this week end.
i had resolved that i will try my best to never be sad and worried as this strong emotions are really vital in making my laboratory go from bad to worse. but as hear my second son crying i just could not help it. the maternal instinct in me just turned its light on and i could not put it off anymore. i hear him cry as he really believes in his heart and his mind that he would not be be able to come and see me.I do not really know what transpired but he was being threatened that he will not be brought here to see me as a punishment for crying. hearing it WAS JUST AS TORTURE FOR ME AS IT WAS FOR HIM. i know the care givers that they have now meant well even if the method is against my standards. my children are not used to threats, it drives them nuts!they take physical pain better than emotional and psychological ones especially those that pertains to me or their loss of me.my heart just shouts pain at this very moment, is it normal? can anyone relate? i know the one who takes of them loves them as much, that is what I want to believe in my heart.
are these my fault? will they take this against me when they grow older? will they ask where was i when they feel heavy in their chest? I COULD NOT PROTECT THEM FOREVER OR CAN I? what they are going through right now on other people's hands has to pass. they have to learn how to adjust to others and to protect themselves, i just pray dearly that the effect will be positive and will not be the root of a disturbed mind when they grow older.I could bear the thought, they are so young! my pain is killing me. my heart just shouts pain at this very moment, is it normal? can anyone relate? i know the one who takes of them loves them as much, that is what I want to believe in my heart.
God help me now, i want to get out of this sickness and take care of my own children at this very important age. what test is this? I'm being "pressed on all sides" and I do not know how much more I could take.
i had resolved that i will try my best to never be sad and worried as this strong emotions are really vital in making my laboratory go from bad to worse. but as hear my second son crying i just could not help it. the maternal instinct in me just turned its light on and i could not put it off anymore. i hear him cry as he really believes in his heart and his mind that he would not be be able to come and see me.I do not really know what transpired but he was being threatened that he will not be brought here to see me as a punishment for crying. hearing it WAS JUST AS TORTURE FOR ME AS IT WAS FOR HIM. i know the care givers that they have now meant well even if the method is against my standards. my children are not used to threats, it drives them nuts!they take physical pain better than emotional and psychological ones especially those that pertains to me or their loss of me.my heart just shouts pain at this very moment, is it normal? can anyone relate? i know the one who takes of them loves them as much, that is what I want to believe in my heart.
are these my fault? will they take this against me when they grow older? will they ask where was i when they feel heavy in their chest? I COULD NOT PROTECT THEM FOREVER OR CAN I? what they are going through right now on other people's hands has to pass. they have to learn how to adjust to others and to protect themselves, i just pray dearly that the effect will be positive and will not be the root of a disturbed mind when they grow older.I could bear the thought, they are so young! my pain is killing me. my heart just shouts pain at this very moment, is it normal? can anyone relate? i know the one who takes of them loves them as much, that is what I want to believe in my heart.
God help me now, i want to get out of this sickness and take care of my own children at this very important age. what test is this? I'm being "pressed on all sides" and I do not know how much more I could take.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Abot Palad Para Kay Ella
A CARE EXTENSION PROJECT: ABOT PALAD para KAY ELLA CABANLET (Reach out for Ella Cabanlet)
Maria Ella Regondola-Cabanlet, wife of Stephen Cabanlet (a Philippine Marine Officer), was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML) at Baguio General Hospital and Medical Center (BGHMC), Baguio City, Philippines. A sample of her biopsy was sent to the National Kidney and Transplant Institute (NKTI), Quezon City and confirmation was given regarding her diagnosis. She was confined at BGHMC for her first cycle of Chemotherapy last September 19, 2009. Unluckily her condition was complicated by sepsis and bleeding that almost cost her life. By the Lord’s grace, she was discharged after 47 days.
From November 16-27, 2009, Ella had her second cycle of chemotherapy and with God’s grace, there were no infections and complications. The final step of treatment is Stem Cell Transplant (Bone Marrow Transplant). There are only two hospitals in the Philippines that perform Stem Cell or Bone Marrow Transplant, namely: St. Luke’s Medical Center (SLMC), Quezon City and Makati Medical Center (MMC), Makati City. Stephen was given an official cost estimate of about P4.208M (see attached SLMC Cost Estimate & Clinical Abstract pdf files) and for this procedure alone, Stephen will not be able to earn or loan within the military service.
Upon Stephen’s appeal letter from the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office (PCSO), the Board finally approved the amount of P1M as financial support for Ella. The amount is already being processed and hopefully everything will be ready on the appointed time. Presently, the donations for Ella, Stephen’s savings and his Navy authorized medical refund have reached a total of P1.5M. If the PCSO support will be counted, they would still need about P2.7M to complete the required amount. Our Father in heaven is rich and Stephen does not lose hope. Ella is still confined at NKTI; she underwent blood transfusion to increase her WBC, platelet count and hemoglobin; and she was covered with antibiotics due to her low immune system. To-date, she is scheduled for the 3rd cycle of her chemotherapy. God willing she will be discharged on Dec. 31st so that she can spend the New Year's eve with the kids.
Christmas still lingers in our hearts and minds that the Holy Spirit prompts us to find ways and means to extend comfort and care to those who are in dire need no matter who they are, because Jesus urged us to “love our neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39), that we should “love one another” (1 John 4:11b), and to “love not in word or speech but in deed and truth” (1 John 4:18).
We believe you can wholeheartedly reach out your love and generosity by helping in whatever way to let Ella realize this final step of Bone Marrow Transplant. You can actualize your offer of help in one and/or any combination of the following means:
1. Cash Donations
• Philippines via Banco de Oro (BDO):
Account Name: Stephen Cabanlet
Savings Account # 1830373674
• US/Canada & Other Countries via www.Xoom.com
- from your own bank account to Stephen’s bank account;
- this is proven safe, secure, speedy, less costly, and you don’t have to drive or commute to a bank or remittance center.
Note: Please email Alex Quirante (alxquir@gmail.com), Abot Palad Project Head Volunteer, about your donation/s for monitoring and acknowledgement purposes (say also if you wish to remain anonymous).
2. Be an Abot Palad Volunteer (APV) for Ella Cabanlet’s benefit
• Transmit via email, on a first hand basis (not forward), this Appeal Letter with the attachments (save in hard disk first) directly to your family members, relatives, co-workers and friends, and request them to donate via # 1 means; and/or
• Refer to me (via email) your associated Filipino groups/communities or known philanthropist/s with contact names, addresses (office and email), and phone #s for my suitable appeal/ request for assistance and follow up.
Reminder: Please avoid multiple email addresses in To or Cc (copy furnish); instead use Bcc (blind copy furnish) for the purpose to prevent hackers and scammers from using this project or accessing your accounts for their own ends.
Maria Ella Regondola-Cabanlet, wife of Stephen Cabanlet (a Philippine Marine Officer), was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML) at Baguio General Hospital and Medical Center (BGHMC), Baguio City, Philippines. A sample of her biopsy was sent to the National Kidney and Transplant Institute (NKTI), Quezon City and confirmation was given regarding her diagnosis. She was confined at BGHMC for her first cycle of Chemotherapy last September 19, 2009. Unluckily her condition was complicated by sepsis and bleeding that almost cost her life. By the Lord’s grace, she was discharged after 47 days.
From November 16-27, 2009, Ella had her second cycle of chemotherapy and with God’s grace, there were no infections and complications. The final step of treatment is Stem Cell Transplant (Bone Marrow Transplant). There are only two hospitals in the Philippines that perform Stem Cell or Bone Marrow Transplant, namely: St. Luke’s Medical Center (SLMC), Quezon City and Makati Medical Center (MMC), Makati City. Stephen was given an official cost estimate of about P4.208M (see attached SLMC Cost Estimate & Clinical Abstract pdf files) and for this procedure alone, Stephen will not be able to earn or loan within the military service.
Upon Stephen’s appeal letter from the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office (PCSO), the Board finally approved the amount of P1M as financial support for Ella. The amount is already being processed and hopefully everything will be ready on the appointed time. Presently, the donations for Ella, Stephen’s savings and his Navy authorized medical refund have reached a total of P1.5M. If the PCSO support will be counted, they would still need about P2.7M to complete the required amount. Our Father in heaven is rich and Stephen does not lose hope. Ella is still confined at NKTI; she underwent blood transfusion to increase her WBC, platelet count and hemoglobin; and she was covered with antibiotics due to her low immune system. To-date, she is scheduled for the 3rd cycle of her chemotherapy. God willing she will be discharged on Dec. 31st so that she can spend the New Year's eve with the kids.
Christmas still lingers in our hearts and minds that the Holy Spirit prompts us to find ways and means to extend comfort and care to those who are in dire need no matter who they are, because Jesus urged us to “love our neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39), that we should “love one another” (1 John 4:11b), and to “love not in word or speech but in deed and truth” (1 John 4:18).
We believe you can wholeheartedly reach out your love and generosity by helping in whatever way to let Ella realize this final step of Bone Marrow Transplant. You can actualize your offer of help in one and/or any combination of the following means:
1. Cash Donations
• Philippines via Banco de Oro (BDO):
Account Name: Stephen Cabanlet
Savings Account # 1830373674
• US/Canada & Other Countries via www.Xoom.com
- from your own bank account to Stephen’s bank account;
- this is proven safe, secure, speedy, less costly, and you don’t have to drive or commute to a bank or remittance center.
Note: Please email Alex Quirante (alxquir@gmail.com), Abot Palad Project Head Volunteer, about your donation/s for monitoring and acknowledgement purposes (say also if you wish to remain anonymous).
2. Be an Abot Palad Volunteer (APV) for Ella Cabanlet’s benefit
• Transmit via email, on a first hand basis (not forward), this Appeal Letter with the attachments (save in hard disk first) directly to your family members, relatives, co-workers and friends, and request them to donate via # 1 means; and/or
• Refer to me (via email) your associated Filipino groups/communities or known philanthropist/s with contact names, addresses (office and email), and phone #s for my suitable appeal/ request for assistance and follow up.
Reminder: Please avoid multiple email addresses in To or Cc (copy furnish); instead use Bcc (blind copy furnish) for the purpose to prevent hackers and scammers from using this project or accessing your accounts for their own ends.
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